essay help

<p>Do you guys think a close reading of this essay reveals important traits about me?</p>

<p>“Jason, I found you a baby sitting job for the weekend. You need to start making money on your own,” my mother threatened.
“Watch kids? I’d rather go to the dentist!” That was three years ago, and the thought of children filled me with consternation. Fortunately, we struck a deal. If I didn’t have to baby sit during the school year, I would take a job as a counselor at a local day camp.
I was put in charge of five year old boys. Of course it had to be one of my campers who refused to talk and couldn’t stop crying the first day of camp. Terrance was inconsolable. I tired my best to reassure him that he would see his mommy and daddy at the end of the day. He looked up at me with his big, red, swollen eyes and said “I don’t have a daddy.” All I could think of was how to get out of this uncomfortable situation. But the conversation resonated in my mind and I knew I had a lot to learn about this daunting job.
The next day during a quite moment with Terrance, I asked him to tell me all about his dad. With a gleeful smile he talked about how he and his dad loved making sandcastles at the beach. Later that day we grabbed some pales and shovels and I let him give me a lesson in the art of castle making.
As the weeks went by Terrance shared his pleasant and sad memories of his father. I laughed hysterically with him when he recounted the time his father dropped a fudge cake over the turkey and they had a chocolate turkey for thanksgiving. My heart ached when he described the (funeral). Half way through camp I was delighted to see that he began playing and communicating more freely with his peers. To my surprise, I found myself enthusiastically singing nursery songs but more important, Terrance was happily doing the same.
The responsibilities of a counselor are obviously multi-faceted. I learned I had to supervise the children, teach values of fairness, teamwork, and friendship, while always keeping a vigilant eye. What I didn’t expect was that I would have to delve into the psychological problems behind a child’s behavior.
The experience of dealing with real life issues of a sad little five year old boy has led me to a heightened interest in psychology. As I enter my college years I hope to be able to fuse my passion for science with the filed of child development.</p>

<p>I love the middle of the essay - try and build the rest around it. The parts where he recounts the times he spent with his father I like alot, but it sort of falls apart and becomes a cliche or boring essay.</p>

<p>I think it has promise, though...in fact I liked the idea a lot.</p>

<p>only problem is im working in a 500 word limit. Any suggestions?</p>

<p>bump.........</p>

<p>This is just my personal opinion, it has no authority behind it, but I think the essay focuses too much on the child and not enough on you. It is interesting to learn about the child's situation, but the essay is supposed to give the adcoms a better look at you, not a better look at the child who influenced you. It is a good topic, and has great potential, but try to focus more on how it affected you personally and how you responded to it. Don't let it get cliche though. Again, this is just my own opinion, I hope it helps.</p>

<p>"Consternation?" Ugh. Who says that.</p>

<p>As always, get rid of the passive voice "I was..." "I have been...." Oh, and it's "pails," not "pales."</p>

<p>"The responsibilities of a counselor are obviously multi-faceted. I learned I had to supervise the children, teach values of fairness, teamwork, and friendship, while always keeping a vigilant eye. What I didn’t expect was that I would have to delve into the psychological problems behind a child’s behavior."</p>

<p>Waaaay too narrative. Show, don't tell, at the risk of sounding cliched.</p>

<p>Dude, where did the science part come from? A little random, if you ask me. The ending is forced. Make it more interesting, not just a sales pitch.</p>

<p>Agree with flipchick. Nobody gives a damn about terrance. Tell us about you.</p>

<p>maybe you haven't read deep enough that by being able to allow a child to open up, I have revealed certain traits about myself.</p>

<p>I really dislike essays that open with dialogue. Dialogue is very hard to write well and takes a very experienced writer. So the opening is weak.</p>

<p>Yes I think that the essay shows some good traits. </p>

<p>I think you need to carefully edit this. Take out words that don't add value (like "of course", "obviously", "to my surprise"), and try to focus.</p>

<p>"I learned I had to supervise the children, teach values of fairness, teamwork, and friendship, while always keeping a vigilant eye. What I didn’t expect was that I would have to delve into the psychological problems behind a child’s behavior." </p>

<p>Well you make it obvious enough there. What did you reveal? That your "heart ached"? That you can "enthusiastically sing nursery songs"? That you're some type of Freud because you psychoanalyzed a five-year-old?</p>

<p>"maybe you haven't read deep enough that by being able to allow a child to open up, I
have revealed certain traits about myself."</p>

<p>Well, maybe the admissions committee doesn't care about your subtle nuances and alleged "revealed traits." Usually all that happens when writers try to be "deep" is that they end up sounded affected and the admissions committee throws its hands up in disgust. Like it or not, they're not going to spend hours poring over your essay.</p>

<p>And don't be so sensitive. We're trying to help. Posting it on a public forum means you need to be able to take some criticism.</p>

<p>Don't try to sell yourself - just tell the story.</p>

<p>I did like the essay and it was interesting. Work on the ending a bit, as well as the begining. I think it is great that you'd like to learn more about child development.</p>

<p>If you are interested in child development, why protest being a counselor? This confused me. If you have been reading articles/books in the field, then got to apply this knowledge in real life, and it strengthened your desire to pursue this field, then essay makes more sense.
anyway, just my thoughts to tighten the essay. I like the examples, tho could eliminate the singing (doesn't add much)</p>

<p>pretty good,
what college is this for?</p>

<p>for cornell, basically trying to show i was placed in a situation where i took the job just cause it was a job, but ended up turning it into something fun.</p>