Essay Idea Need Feedback

<p>Hey guys, this was my first try at the essay where you write about a significant experience and how it impacted you, wanted to know if it was okay to send out: </p>

<pre><code>I remember the August heat during the summer before sophomore year began. I was sweating as I stepped into the line of participants trying out for JV that year. Coach Potter was in front; Coach Barth stayed behind us to ensure we ran at a decent pace.

“Ready” Coach Potter yelled. “Go!”
We leapt up the stadium bleachers. I focused on the girl ahead of me, making sure I didn’t get too far behind her. As the time wore on, people began to drop back behind Barth. By the time we had completed five rounds running up and down the bleachers, Coach Barth and I were slightly detached from the group. The others were either ahead, with Coach Potter, or had fallen behind Coach Barth and me.
Every so often, Barth would tease me. “I’m gonna get you, Lis!” she’d call out.
I gasped out a laugh but sped up, taking her comment seriously. I glanced back so she saw me smile. I won’t let you catch up. Soon I had a system: slow on the stairs, sprint the straightaway. Sprinting was my specialty.
</code></pre>

<p>The drill seemed endless, but finally we were told to stop. I staggered to a halt and moved towards the group gathering at the water jug, catching my breath as I walked. I felt someone slap me on the back. It was Coach Barth.
“That was good, Lis. We need people like you, who don’t give up,” she told me.
I felt a swell of pride at what she told me that day.
However, with junior year came a lot of talented freshman and no sign of me being a choice for the varsity team. Discouraged, I found myself struggling to keep up in the drills. Coach Barth noticed.
“Don’t give up, Lis.” She sounded disappointed. My chest tightened. In my mind, she wasn’t talking about that moment, but the one on the bleachers. How could I ever compete with this group?
That year I was one of two juniors that were still on JV. I never tried out during senior year, afraid that I’d be cut. Instead, I joined cross country. It was different; I was accustomed to the workouts the soccer team had done for the past three years. I was awkward at first with the new stretches and form drills, but I improved.
However, running has never been my passion. It was soccer that I lived for. Since freshman year, I had gone to every extra practice, every optional game. At home, I practiced for hours learning how to juggle. I had done everything in my power to get better; that is, everything until junior year. After that, I had stopped trying.
Why didn’t I try harder to stay on the soccer team? What happened to my will to succeed? Would I have made the team if I had tried out? My loss changed me. It drove me to try in anything and everything, to take opportunities when I had them, because the opportunity I turned away from was the one I regret the most.</p>

<p>Probably not a good idea to just post your essay on the internet :P Instead, make a thread, and pm it to the people who say they'll look over it.</p>

<p>I don't like it at all. You have a several paragraph long buildup before you talk about soccer. You also don't talk about successes at all, and the only thing the reader sees is that you failed and didn't try hard enough to be successful.</p>

<p>Thanks...sorry I'm new so yes that was idiotic of me to post it..
wont do that again</p>

<p>And not to argue, but the idea was that I learned from the failure- that it was important to go through the experience of failing, so that you can succeed</p>

<p>The prompt said to write about an experience, so I was thinking the experience didn't need to be a success- in a way, I was trying to write about something others wouldn't think to write about- a failure, instead of automatically going into how awesome I am at soccer or something</p>

<p>That in mind, do you like the essay any better? Or, if you still did not like the actual topic, was the style of writing and grammar okay?</p>