<p>grade/critique my essay please. thanks.</p>

<p>Prompt: "It is a paradoxical but profoundly true and important principle of life that the most likely way to reach a goal is to be aiming not at that goal itself but at some more ambitious goal beyond it." --Arnold Toynbee</p>

<p>Assignment: Do you agree that the best way to reach a goal is to aim for an even higher one?</p>


<p>Many people believe that if one aims for a higher goal than what he or she actually strives for, the initial goal will be achieved as a byproduct. However, this belief is not the case in many situations. As evidenced by George's lost dream in Of Mice and Men and the Enron scandal of 2001, setting one's sights on more ambitious goals can overwhelm or delude the individual, slowing progress if any actually exists.</p>

<p>In Steinbeck's novel Of Mice and Men, George's dream of a prosperous life vanishes because he does not convince himself that Lennie renders the dream chimerical. Every time George finds a job for the duo, Lennie finds a way to get the both of them fired. Eventually, George feels so excited about hte prospect of having a farm--his ambitious goal--thta he does not face his real dilemma, which is leaving Lennie. By setting his sights on a higher goal, George deludes himself into thinking that Lennie can join him in the quest for wealth. Because George refuses to aim for his more pertinent goal, he loses his best friend. In this situation, aiming higher deludes the protagonist and jeopardizes his chances of finding a stable job.</p>

<p>Furthermore, Enron's appalling bankrupcy in 2001 attests to the counterproductivity of aiming higher. Beginning in 1996, the natural resources conglomerate grew exceptionally fast, becoming a global phenomenon and extending into other markets via Enron Online and other branches. Soon, it became a multi-billion dollar conglomerate with incredible stock value. However, the company sought even more moeny from the company and decided to falsify accounts of profit and inflate its actual value to increase its apparent worth. Aiming higher, however, had drastic consequences, leading to its exposure of "creative accounting" in 2001 and shaking the entire global market. In this example, shooting for a larger goal transformed into avarice and Enron's ultimate fall, destroying the success Enron had in the first place.</p>

<p>As evidenced by literary and current examples, setting more ambitious goals can indeed prove dangerous. When aiming higher, factors such as greed and delusion can come into play and stymie progress toward the initial goal. People are better off focusing on the matters in front of them rather than losing sight of them for farfetched pursuits.</p>

<p>This is a good situation where hypotheticals are not needed, as you don't really need a compare/contrast based on your thesis (I should have mentioned before that they are not always needed). You also qualified your points well, imo. As far as logic goes, this is a much better essay. You have a provable thesis, and you do a pretty darn good job proving it. </p>

<p>Writing itself could use some work. In the intro, "this belief does not hold true..." would have worked better. Your first line of the second paragraph is confusing. Etc. But really nothing terrible.</p>

<p>Much better essay, imo. This was very focused and well organized. I'd probably give it an 11 on the same scale as before. And also, I like how you used Enron in a somewhat different, but perfectly (if not more) apt way. This kinda shows that you can use the same examples for very different prompts.</p>

<p>dude, thanks a lot man. i really thought about what you said about my last essay, and i'm trying to incorporate some more (appropriate)analysis and logic that is easier to follow. and lol i see what you're saying about the writing; if i had more time i wouldn't need to concede to using awkward phrasing... i am still working on thinking faster sigh</p>

<p>i think i have a good idea of where i'm going with structure and analysis, but man it seems that every 2 sentences i get stuck because i'm repeating a word that i can't find a synonym for or i cant think of a proper phrasing. after 30 seconds or so i force myself to spit it out no matter how awkward it sounds...</p>

<p>i def. need to practice my writing s'more haha anyways thanks a lot!</p>

<p>^yeah, that repetion happens on my timed essays, too. But, I didn't notice any repetition. Although there probably was some, it did not become obvious enough to detract from the essay. So I really wouldn't worry about it.</p>