Essay intro??? Too corny?

Is this intro too corny? I’m thinking I should start out with a description of a certain passage of a song instead.

The twenty three words that form this sentence may very well serve as the most decisive twenty three words of my life. With the thousands of essays that you must peruse, the odds of devising a hook that is not overly trite are certainly not in my favor. Furthermore, the second that your eyes meet the page, the words begin evoking subconscious, and even conscious, reactions and thoughts. Fortunately, though, I can tangibly control these evocations through the use of subliminal messages within the text. With that being said, let us shift our focus towards me. My personality is analogous to a kaleidoscope, as it is both colorful and multi-faceted. Similarly, my thoughts and interests often shift, and amidst all of this change, one thing remains static—my passion for music. Rhetorically speaking, my musical obsession extends beyond strategically placed diction; physically speaking, the obsession extends beyond just my musical endeavors, as it influences absolutely every aspect of my life (reword this).

<p>certainly not an expert but i like it...maybe a bit verbose at times but good</p>

<p>Yeah, some people think i'm a bit too pedantic and wordy, but thats how i write. I think that because i'll be sending in class sample of my writing, the adcoms will realize that i don't necessarily have "thesaraus syndrom."</p>

<p>It doesn't work. You suddenly switch focus in the middle of the paragraph, and your language feels awkwardly padded with intellectual words. "tangibly control these evocations through the use of subliminal messages?" wtf? Really, the reader learns nothing about you from the first half of the intro. Why are the first 23 words so important?--you don't say. You talk loosely about subconscious and psychology, but I have no idea what you are talking about. You are merely hiding your lack of focus with a bunch of ramble. </p>

<p>Your main focus (although ridiculously buried by your language and lack of focus) is music. That should be evident from sentence one, all the way through. Use anecdote and not the precocious filler you have. You're a good writer, so write like one.</p>

<p><<with the="" thousands="" of="" essays="" that="" you="" must="" peruse,="" odds="" devising="" a="" hook="" is="" not="" overly="" trite="" are="" certainly="" in="" my="" favor.="" furthermore,="" second="" your="" eyes="" meet="" page,="" words="" begin="" evoking="" subconscious,="" and="" even="" conscious,="" reactions="" thoughts.="" fortunately,="" though,="" i="" can="" tangibly="" control="" these="" evocations="" through="" use="" subliminal="" messages="" within="" text.="">></with></p>

<p>i dont know.. all of the advice i've read on writing college essays says not to write anything about the college application process itself. just get to the point already.. you love music, blah blah. it seems too unrelated</p>

<p>I agree with drownin... you might normally write like that, but reading through that and actually comprehending what you're saying is pretty difficult. It doesn't flow well; imagine that you are an adcom and you just read 50 essays. Then, you get to THAT opening paragraph... imagine how you would feel?<br>
I would try rewriting it with more emphasis on flow and simplicity; you don't need to have thirty five 10 dollar words in your introduction to be a good writer. :)</p>

<p>Thanks guys. This is exactly why I posted :)</p>

<p>I agree with all of the above, saying how it is much too verbose and meandering...but I also thought I'd just let you know: the first sentence only has 22 words</p>

<p>Ok, this intro simply does not work. You go from a somewhat gimmicky "hook" (which, trust me, has been used many, many times before) and then ramble before finally revealing that you want to talk about music. Even if this is in fact how you normally write, the essay is way too wordy and borders on unintelligible. </p>

<p>For example </p>

<p>"Fortunately, though, I can tangibly control these evocations through the use of subliminal messages within the text" This quote makes no sense to begin with, and you do not bother to elaborate on its meaning.</p>

<p>I think you should try a different approach with the first half of this paragraph - a description of a song or song lyrics would relate better to your overall idea of music. </p>

<p>And, just so you don't look like a fool in case you do decide to stick with this intro, you should be aware that your first sentence does not have 23 words.</p>

<p>Congrats, moocow, you seem to be the first one I've seen who asked for help and then thanked people for giving it instead of getting combative. Hope you get in! Where are you applyng?</p>

<p>Hahaha... Wow. That is hilarious! I must have revised the first sentence without changing the number. </p>

<p>Yeah, I'm definitely going to scrap this and describe a certain passage to some sort of instrumental song instead.</p>

<p>Thanks for the help, everyone.</p>

<p>Oh, and to answer your question, I'm applying to Vassar, Washington U in St. Louis, Middlebury, Wesleyan, Macalester, UT-Austin, and an undecided safety or two.</p>

<p>Oh, and i'm always open to suggestions and help. I'd much rather look like an idiot here than in front of my english teacher or the admissions people ;).</p>


<p>I strongly advise against this. It is akin to the "writers writing about the struggle they have while writing" cliche that makes admissions officers writhe. It's too self-conscious. Get down to something more real. Good luck!</p>