<p>Here is an essay I just wrote for my english class. It’s a satire on college admissions. I hope this will lighten everyone up with decisions looming :)</p>
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<p>Dreaming of Ivy</p>
<pre><code>Autumn: the season of leaves, pumpkin pie, and college applications. Most seniors in high school frantically take standardized tests, solicit teachers for recommendations, and write and rewrite college essays in hopes of gaining admission to the school of their dreams. Only a couple decades ago, having good grades and high test scores virtually assured admission to elite schools such as Harvard and Yale. Nowadays, when it comes to Ivy League institutions, being class valedictorian, a three-sport athlete, or even a national science fair winner rarely guarantees the coveted fat letter in the mail. As Jeffrey Brenzel, the Dean of Admissions at Yale University, put it, “The challenge is going to be how to select a certain number out of this extraordinary group of applicants.” But unlike other seniors struggling to find their voice for their essays or fastidiously studying for their SAT retakes, I am prepared. I have what it takes to rise to the cream of the crop of the Ivy League applicants.
Many parents stress the importance of attending a reputable college to their children at a young age. Mine acted no differently. With the burgeoning reality that Ivy League admissions would only become more competitive, my parents took necessary measures to help me excel academically. Starting at the age of five, I recited the multiplication table every morning before school. I also worked on jigsaw puzzles to increase my visualization and logic skills. Most seven year old children watched Sesame Street or Mr. Rogers to expand their vocabulary. Instead, I memorized SAT Verbal flash cards. I may not have known the Letter-Of-The-Day or how to sing Elmos Song, but I could tell you how lugubrious the weather seemed or give details on the heterogeneity of Mr. Rogers wardrobe. My knowledge of such words served me well ten years later on the analogies section of the SAT. It also didnt hurt that my last name is only two letters long, so while others busily bubbled in their surnames, I zoomed ahead on the test.
Even with such intense preparation for the standardized tests, by no means did I act as a dull boy who stayed home all the time. My parents kept me involved, through athletics, music, and drama. When it came to sports, I realized that football, basketball, or soccer were too common; they would not allow a student to distinguish himself from the rest of the applicant pool when it came time for college applications. Thats why I chose the competitive and unique sport of unicycle riding. I participated in two events: individual freestyle, much like figure skating with a unicycle, and mountain unicycling, an off-road race. When I wasnt competing, I volunteered as a juggling unicyclist for local parades. I made sure to keep track of all the hours I helped out, knowing that it all adds up when college admission officers see my application. Unlike the Asians who learned the piano or violin, I played the sitar and the hurdy gurdy. To supplement my college application, I recorded my own renditions of Pagninis Caprices, Bachs Violin Concerto #2, as well as CDs of concerts I have performed in worldwide. I was fortunate enough to tour with the Boston Philharmonic after receiving word that they needed a sitar player for one of their pieces. I also had a knack for Shakespeare, playing roles such as Romeo in Romeo and Juliet, Edgar in King Lear, and Ferdinand in The Tempest. In my most lauded role, Hamlet, one critic raved that my performance could only be topped by Kenneth Branagh. Many recruiters later read the critique and asked me to play the role of Harry Potter in the new film series. I politely declined, feeling that acting professionally would distract me from my schoolwork and my college aspirations.
My academic performance in high school has only solidified my status as a potential candidate for the Ivy League. I am currently valedictorian with straight As and record high 22 Advanced Placement classes, including Spanish, French, German, and Latin. Obviously my schedule could not fit all four languages, so my parents naturally hired private tutors. The salutatorian is only taking three languages; I decided to go to the extra mile. Because I took a semester off from junior year, I fear the salutatorian might be catching up to my GPA. During the time away from school, I taught undergraduate math at MIT as a visiting scholar. At first, the college students could not believe a high school student would teach them how to solve differential equations or invert matrices, but my knowledge of higher level mathematics and my experience in the International Math Olympiad proved helpful in teaching. The students eventually warmed up to me, preferring me over other TAs who could not speak proper English or understand undergraduate college life. Of course, I wrote a college essay explaining the adversity and doubt that I had to overcome to prove myself worthy to teach at an institution of higher learning. After returning from MIT, standardized tests dominate much high school life. One of the more harrowing experiences included taking the SATs on the day of my schools homecoming parade. Making sure I would not be distracted, I brought earplugs to mitigate the noise from the loud drums and brass. Of course, I double checked with the The College Board and Education Testing Services to confirm the legality of the use of earplugs during tests. This seemed like a necessary step, because had I used the earplugs illegally, I could have jeopardized my entire future and my Ivy League dreams if I had a written infraction on my record. Fortunately for me, the earplugs helped and I received a perfect score on my first try.
High scores and perfect GPAs have become the norm for Ivy League applicants. Along with my unique extracurricular activities, I hoped to distinguish myself through my summer experiences. The summer of my freshman year, I hiked the Appalachian Trail, all 2160 miles of it. For a more realistic and natural experience, I decided to eat only what I could hunt or forage. The meals ranged from freshly picked blueberries to venison to morsels of edible insects. I rushed through the trail since I only had a three month time-span, so I only identified 30 new species of plants including the Ceratodon purpureus and the Lycopodium obscurum that I published in my research article. I sent a copy of my research abstract to colleges to supplement my application.
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<p>The next summer, I attempted a more daunting but also very rewarding task. I traveled with the Red Cross to Botswana to help starving children and AIDs victims. After taking a crash course in Setswana, the countrys spoken language, I taught sex education to the adults. For the malnourished children, I distributed bread and protein bars to the more remote parts of the country. My experience that summer is well documented in an online photo-scrapbook I created for the admissions officers to view. Ive also written a book detailing my summer in Africa, but my publisher and I have decided to hold off until I turn eighteen.</p>
<p>Finally, the summer between my junior and senior year of high school, I interned in New York City at the world-renowned banking firm, Goldman Sachs. There, I managed the university endowment of NYU. My wise investing created a seventy-five percent return, four times higher than the previous years return. To commemorate my accomplishments, NYU offered to name its newest library after me. In front of the building, a giant statue of me is under construction. The Federal Reserve Chairman, Alan Greenspan, heard of my work at Goldman and immediately contacted me for an interview. He considered me a child prodigy who could turn around the direction of the slumping U.S. economy. Ever since, Alan calls me every week to ask for advice on whether to raise or lower interest rates.</p>
<pre><code>All of my experiences and my entire academic record culminated into the application that I gave to colleges. Along with my numerous amounts of supplements: recordings, research abstract, and extra recommendations, I also wrote extra essays, because I felt the need to further explain my various extracurricular activities. Most of my peers completed their applications online while the rest sent in theirs by snail mail. I wanted to add a personal touch to mine so I decided to hand deliver each of them. My parents agreed that this was a necessary step if I wanted to stand out from the crowd. Together, we devised an itinerary: we would drive all the way up to Hanover, New Hampshire and work our way down to Princeton, New Jersey, stopping at all eight Ivy League schools.
Most seniors will speak of the four months they spent applying to colleges as an exhausting experience. My college application process lasted eighteen years. I boast perfect test scores, an impeccable GPA, flawless essays, sound recommendations, inimitable extracurriculars, my own statue, and regular contact with the U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman. Yet even with my background, admission is far from guaranteed. If only I had found the cure for cancer.
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