<p>My grammar’s not that great, I’m apologizing in advance 
The post is very long, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR TIME in advance. I really am very confused and don’t know if I should just throw away the essay and write a new one. I’m applying to schools at somewhere around the lower-Ivies level.</p>
<p>The generic question: the significance of an extracurricular activity.</p>
<p>I immigrated from a communist country a few years ago. I now work for a broadcasting station that reports news censored by the communist government. Because I’m very familiar with the language and very interested in my native culture and politics, I’ve been interacting with netizens of domestically censored websites. I know how the communist government twists and blocks facts, how the citizens think, and how the communist brainwashing process causes their ideologies to evolve to be very different from that of democrats. I have a personal experience that explains the details of the communist educational system.
So I decided to write an essay on how my work experience at the broadcasting station inspired me to reevaluate my past experience and to think about present-day social issues in my country. The goal is to show my interest in international relations. The essay begins by introducing a very controversial manifesto (later banned) released by domestic activists (later detained) a few years ago. My cultural background and experiences led me to develop a very different opinion of the manifesto. And i really mean VERY different. I’ve read about similar opinions, but they are heavily censored and seem like a minority. To the majority, the manifesto is a revolutionary and inspirational document (which i agree). But to me, it’s not as useful and revolutionary as everyone else made it out to be - it basically restated the principles of the U.S. Constitution (which I support), but it’s pedantic and impractical. It says that we should establish a system of separation of powers, new constitution, freedom of speech etc., but it does not say HOW the govt/people could possibly go about achieving that ideal. Present-day social issues in my country intertwine with one another, the complications make it impossible for those proposed changes to directly take place - I explained this with two social issues, both widely recognized by intellectuals abroad.
I researched more, but i found no documents or social/political/cultural experts who talk about how the changes can take place. I talked about how this frustrated me, because I really want to help my country, but I don’t see the paths to solutions. When I worked at the broadcasting station, I saw lots of evidences proving the atrocities committed by the govt to its people. It was a very emotional experience for me overall. I ended the essay by saying how disappointed I am, but I do have a determination to help my country. I have a vision, but I’m too young and too uneducated to come up with solutions on my own - this is why I want to get a higher-level education (…hence why the college should let me enroll).</p>
<p>My classmate peer-edited the essay for me. I really value her opinions because she’s academically excellent (with stats better than mine actually), and applying to MIT/Harvard etc. This is her opinion:
- The essay’s too pessimistic, though it was interesting, it gets kind of long and “too much”. I should not talk so much about the failures of something else.
- I’m just a high school student, life isn’t that easy, so “don’t get stuck in one rut”.
- It’s too research paper-y (but I was trying to sound objective…), and doesn’t show much of who I am (but I came up with all the ideas, and I feel that it really demonstrated my independent thinking and reflection on the particular experience.).
- I’m young, so clearly I’m not expected to come up with the solutions to those issues. I should focus on explaining why the experience is important to me, but instead I rant too much.</p>
<p>The essay’s 1.5 pg single-spaced. I know that I went a bit more in-depth with this. The explanation of social issues can get a bit dull for people who aren’t interested in politics, but I’ve tried to be concise and objective. My only non-research-paper-y part is the conclusion, when I talk about how I love my country etc.etc. and how I want to learn more so I can help to solve the problems.
I showed the essay to a family friend who also works at the broadcasting station, he said that it’s excellent… I wonder if my classmate just does not have the related experience to understand the sentiment in the essay or the importance of the issues described? This can be just a self-conceited thought, but she did told me that it was “interesting but much more than what [she] cares about”.
I wonder what you guys think… Need objective opinions please
THANKS A LOT! :P</p>