<p>This new essay is on how I overcame social anxiety and insecurities. This is only the beginning of it by the way.</p>
<p>I was an abortion of society- accepted by a few, judged by all, and rejected by most. As soon as I heard the old , rusty door belonging to my house close right behind me, reality struck me, like lightening striking a person, a mark is left. As I walked down the block the world seemed distant and bland. A gray sky seemed to hug me and choke me. I felt like a diagram, labeled by all the obvious flaws, a crooked and big nose, thin lips that seemed shriveled all pale and dry caused my my anemia and lack of blood flow, a wide face which seemed to stretch from once side of my shoulder to the other,the way a smile should, a smile I always forced. I found myself being an eccedentesiast. After walking the usual 5 long blocks that never seemed to end for me, I managed to walk up the stairs with my meaty and jiggly legs to the A train, I scrunched my nose due to the sour odor , but I knew the train station wasn’t ecstatic either that I was walking on it either. I felt it complain as someone as worthless as me walked across it. I forced myself to swipe my student metro card , accepting that I’d have to face an hour long train ride full of strangers who I looked at as sinister, just as Confucius thought of humanity.</p>
<p>I think you have something here. I really like your written voice which comes through loud and clear. An asset that most college writers don’t have. Also, I’m assuming that you’re going to flesh it out a bit, offering a little more background. That’s the good news. The bad news is that you have too much hyperbole and wordiness. Also check your grammar. GL</p>
<p>This is far too depressing, and I thought I was depressing when I mentioned my having to survive several attempts on my life and a history of abuse. It also doesn’t indicate anything. In fact, it makes it seem like you’re rife for suicide.</p>
<p>You’re last phrase is overkill, and I agree with above poster, it’s depressing/cliche. I can write something just like that, as it doesn’t present a unique experience</p>
<p>Don’t “tell” that you felt worthless. If you want to bring that out, find a way to show it.</p>
<p>Not really clear on why you were an “abortion”. Abortions are not *accepted by a few, judged by all, and rejected by most. * The rest of this paragraph shows nothing about society or other people, so why would your first sentence be about society?</p>
<p>Always remember: Show, don’t Tell. Google that.</p>
<p>Keep in mind that the essay is supposed to make the colleges want you to come so that you can meet and discuss and maybe socialize with the other kids while learning something. So far: it doesn’t.</p>
<p>In the essay you might grow and learn and become Ms or Mr Congeniality, but the colleges will remember that you admitted to looking upon others as sinister.</p>