Essay, please evaluate it.

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1

<p>Do small events lead to catastrophes or are great events initiated by other causes?</p>

<pre><code>During the era of the Greek Period, Perconius once said, “The accumulation of small things will eventually lead to big things.” While some people rebuke this quote, I beg to differ. Small events gradually build up, and become a skyscraper. I had quite the experience, when I was in 7th grade, my companion said, “If you continue not to do your assigned work, you will inevitably fail man.” While I thought that was evident, I truly did not comprehend that statement of sage.
As I incessantly never did my work assigned during middle school, I began to receive failing marks repeatedly. In the back of my head, I knew I could augment my grade anytime I yearned to put in effort, but I was wrong. With various dark red marks on my assigned papers and projects, I was held in expulsion in one of the most prestigious private schools in the country. Catastrophe was precipitated by minor incidents such as failure to complete essays, and presentation. Inevitably, history also proves that minor events lead to expected tragedies.
As Dec 7, 1941 was a vibrant warm day, Pearl Harbor was abolished by Japanese bombers. This tragedy was precipated by the U.S setting an embargo against Japan. During the early 20th century, Japan was trying to reign over the vast majority of Asia. As Japan was desperate for oil and ammunition shipments, America had to cease the process of shipment. After the explosion of Pearl Harbor, the U.S dropped a nuclear bomb on Hiroshima. The colossal catastrophe was caused by several events of attack.
With a penny added to a glass jar everyday, inevitably, the glass jar will by worth a great amount in the future. Either from risk of expulsion, or war against two countries, both occurrences exemplify how small events lead to tragic events. One can never underestimate Perconius’s quote about accumulation.
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2

<p>Hm. Ok.</p>

<p>Well, for one thing, your thesis should be at the end of your first paragraph. Thats where they will be looking for it. Your use of vocab is admirable in principle but comes off as very forced, and it’s used incorrectly in a lot of places. </p>

<p>The essay is also short. Good effort though, keep working at it. If you want a score grade, I’d say a 5-6/12</p>

3

<p>okkk</p>

<p>soo the first thing that came to mind is that u need to seperate out ur paragraphs- u mainly need to start a new paragraph where u jump from talking about urself to history- definitely start a new paragraph there</p>

<p>secondly, u use a lot of good vocab, but as lolcats said, it sounds awkward at times</p>

<p>lastly, i think u should make it longer…did u rd a post from a few days ago about how there was a similarity between length and grade? the longer it is the higher the grade (usually atleast) there was an entire article on that…now idk if its true or not, but hey, its worth a shot its not gonna hurt u…ur topics were really strong, just elaborate more- don’t be afraid to write more!</p>

<p>overall i’d give it a grade between a 6-8
hope this helps</p>

4

<p>bump!
10chr</p>

5

<p>You seem to insert certain words in unnecessary places. Its better just to use a simple word than to confound the reader with excessive grandiloquence. The structure is good, overall id give you a 6-7/12</p>

6

<p>bump it up!!!</p>

7

<p>6-8 probably. I agree with everyone else that said you forced the vocab. </p>

<p>This tragedy was precipated by the U.S setting an embargo against Japan</p>

<p>I hated the structure of that sentence. It would’ve sounded better as: “The tragedy was precipitated by the U.S embargo against Japan.”</p>

8

<p>llpitch, it was a spelling error.</p>

9

<p>During the era of the Greek Period, [insert who he is] Perconius once said, “The accumulation of small things will eventually lead to big things.” While some people rebuke this quote, I beg to differ. Small events gradually build up, and become a skyscraper [ugly analogy; elaborate to mean “skyscraper of ideas” because it does not make sense as is – events do not become skyscrapers, and the “of ideas” is not implied in the sentence]. I had quite the experience, [delete comma. This is either a separate thought, in which case you’d replace it with a period, or a lead-up into “when” in which case you’d just delete the comma] when I was in 7th grade, my companion said, “If you continue not to do your assigned work, you will inevitably fail [insert comma, unless you mean “fail mankind”…which is truly unconvincing dialogue] man.” While I thought that [unclear reference – clarify] was evident, I truly did not comprehend that statement of sage [sage is the wrong word; it either means a wise man or having wisdom that comes with age and experience, and you are using it as a noun].</p>

<p>As I incessantly never did my work assigned during middle school [get rid of the clutter; how about something like “as I continually refused to do work assigned to me” or something], I began to receive failing marks repeatedly. In the back of my head, I knew I could augment [not typically used in this sense] my grade anytime I yearned [wrong word; yearning is more associated with actually longing to do something, rather than just wanting to do it] to put in effort, but I was wrong. With various [aren’t you going more for a “medley of” or a “myriad of”] dark red marks on my assigned papers and projects, I was held in expulsion [I don’t know the terminology] in one of the most prestigious private schools in the country. Catastrophe was precipitated by minor incidents such as failure to complete essays, [delete this comma] and presentation[s?]. Inevitably, history [this belongs in the next pgh] also proves that minor events lead to expected tragedies.</p>

<p>As Dec 7, 1941 was a vibrant warm day, Pearl Harbor was abolished [technically it wasn’t abolished – just attacked] by Japanese bombers. This tragedy was precipitated by the U.S setting an embargo against Japan. During the early 20th century, Japan was trying to reign over the vast majority of Asia. As Japan was desperate for oil and ammunition shipments, America had to [had to? more like it just did…strike out those two words] cease the process of shipment. After the explosion of Pearl Harbor, the U.S dropped a nuclear bomb on Hiroshima. The colossal catastrophe was caused by several events of attacks. [I’d disagree with this because … it wasn’t caused just by those three events, though you word it to seem like that]</p>

<p>With a penny added to a glass jar everyday, inevitably, the glass jar will by worth a great amount in the future. Either from risk of expulsion, or war against two countries, both occurrences exemplify how small events lead to tragic events. One can never underestimate Perconius’s quote about accumulation.</p>