Essay: Please take your time and grade

<p>PLEASE grade my essay and give it some constructive criticism. Thank you and your help would be greatly appreciated. The prompt is from the practice SAT from the collegeboard website. </p>

<p>Prompt:
Do people accomplish more when they are allowed to do things in their own way?</p>

<p>Without question, people accomplish more during their lifetime when they follow their own opinions. Although there are other persuading opinions that attempt to alter one’s own way, those who choose to ignore the outsiders generally succeed in his or her goal. The power of doing things one’s own way is clearly exemplified in pop culture, history, and literature.</p>

<p>American hip-hop artist Kanye West illustrates the accomplishments one can make if one truly follows his or her heart. West did something unprecedented before in hip-hop culture; he released an album solely as a pop singer. After recording three critical acclaimed rap albums (3 Grammy Awards for Best Hip-Hop/Rap Album), West decided that his next album was going to be a pop album. His reasoning for such a change was justified: singing alleviates pain that rapping fails to do. During a course of a year, West lost his mother and broke up with his longtime girlfriend. Following his heart, West went with an audacious new plan and released 808’s and Heartbreak. His new album was praised for its new direction and emotions. Even though the rap community attempted to daunt Kanye West from singing, West went his own way and to great success, as West is up for a copious number of Grammy’s in the 2010 show.</p>

<p>In addition to pop culture, American literature also demonstrates the efficaciousness of doing things in one’s own way. In the novel Things Fall Apart, The African people and the protagonist follow their own logical path. The novel tells a story of how white missionaries pervaded into the African tribal way of life. Okonkwo, the main character, refuses to budge to the missionaries. Throughout the novel, Okonkwo does not give in to the changes. Okonkwo still went with his own religion (African tribal religion) and his own way of life (farming yams). His neighbors did not follow Okonkwo’s lead; they virtually became the white man’s slave. Okonkwo depicts how following one’s own way can result in success; this time, the success is retaining one’s pride.</p>

<p>In American history, the American Revolution is an archetype of doing things one’s own way leads to success. The Americans were under Britain control in the mid 1770s. The British were at its pinnacle of power, colonizing all over the globe and virtually bullying its American colonies. However, the American people did not let the British coerce them around. In 1776, the Declaration of Independence was written by Thomas Jefferson and signed by our founding fathers. Following their own way, the Americans revolted and finally defeated the British in 1783, at the Battle of Yorktown. If the people of the US did not follow their own view, they would still be under colonial rule by the tyrannist British.</p>

<p>All in all, pop culture, history, and literature all show the resonant power of doing things one’s own way. Kanye West, Okonkwo for Things Fall Apart, and the US all accomplish their goals through believing in themselves.</p>

<p>You neglect to mention that Okonkwo hung himself.</p>

<p>I think a 12. ^shhhh hahahah.</p>

<p>I give this essay a 5 out of 6:</p>

<p>In the first paragraph, you didn’t really address how Kanye accomplished more with 808s & Heartbreak; you only addressed his accomplishments. The reader may be a fan of Kanye and believe that he would have accomplished more if he had released a rap album instead. His rap albums garnered widespread support, too. Talk about something objective like the fact that he brought something new to the game that he hadn’t before (e.g., production-wise).</p>

<p>The second paragraph is OK, but it contains too many sentences about the plot and too few sentences in which you use reasoning to prove your point.</p>

<p>In the third paragraph, you talk about how America got what it wanted – independence. Like in the first paragraph, the third paragraph does not describe how the subject accomplished more. You could have easily addressed this by talking about the historical advantages of their independence and the historical disadvantages of colonization instead of relying on common sense and keywords like “bullying” and “tyrannist” (which isn’t a word). “Coerce” is a good word.</p>

<p>note: the average SAT grader is not as picky as me. you would likely receive a 6 for this.</p>

<p>I think it’s really good. I would give at least an 11. Just one thing I noticed… I think it would be better if you switch 2 and 3rd paragraph because your thesis and conclusion say culture, history, and literature. That’s probably not going to do much, but overall, I thought it was good =)</p>

<p>11 or 12. Nice and smooth. You effectively put across your points.</p>

<p>I think it is the ‘tyrannical British’ rather than ‘tyranist British’.</p>

<p>Good job!</p>

<p>Thanks for all the feedback! One question:</p>

<p>Is it good to include pop culture references in your essay? Especially on a controversial artist like Kanye West? What if the pop culture icon is notorious for profanity, misogynist, and homophobic actions? (Not saying Kanye West is… but other celebrities that come up to mind)</p>

<p>And I left out Okonkwo hanging himself because that would totally mess up my argument. haha.</p>

<p>Some general suggestions</p>

<ol>
<li> Be more concise - don’t repeat the same idea a different way in two sentenes following each other.<br></li>
<li> Make sure you are using the words you are choosing correctly, for example, in the first parapgraph, you do not really mean “opinion.” You mean that someone should follow their own beliefs, or follow their heart. </li>
<li> Try not to use the same word several times in close proximity.<br></li>
<li> Try not to use verbs like “is” or “does” try to think of stronger verbs that say more of what you are trying to communicate.<br></li>
</ol>

<p>Here is a quickly done example of how you could rework the first two paragraphs. Good luck!!</p>

<p>Without question, one accomplishes more during his lifetime when he follows his believes in himself. Although other people may attempt to distract him, the person who ignores outsiders generally succeeds in his or her goal. Pop culture, history, and literature are rife with examples of individuals who achieved success by staying true to their own goals.</p>

<p>American hip-hop artist Kanye West, for example, did something unprecedented in hip-hop culture. He released an album solely as a pop singer. After recording three critically acclaimed rap albums and receiving 3 Grammy Awards for Best Hip-Hop/Rap Album, West decided that he would record a pop album. His reasoning for the change was personal. During a course of a year, he had lost his mother and had broken up with his longtime girlfriend. He believed that singing would allow for more expression of emotion and would alleviate his emotional pain more than rapping would. Following his heart, West went with an audacious plan and released 808’s and Heartbreak. The album was praised for its new direction and emotion. In spite of the rap community’s efforts to tempt him away from singing, West went his own way, and achieved great success, receiving numerous Grammy nominations in 2010.</p>

<p>12.
CHAR(izard)</p>

<p>In the first paragraph:
“lifetime” should be “lifetimes,” to agree in number with “people”
“other persuading opinions that attempt to alter one’s own way” is vague, wordy, redundant
“outsiders” seems like the wrong word
“his or her goal” should be “their goals” to agree in number with “those”
“exemplified in” should be “exemplified by” in order to be idiomatically correct</p>

<p>In the second paragraph:
“his or her” should be “one’s,” in order to be consistent
“unprecedented before” should just be “unprecedented”
“critical acclaimed” should be “critically acclaimed,” though this is a cliche
the word “do” in “that rapping fails to do” does not make sense
“a course of a year” should be “the course of a year”
“daunt” is misused; you cannot daunt “from”
“a copious number of” should just be “copious”
“Grammy’s” should be “Grammys”
“in the 2010 show” should be “in 2010”</p>

<p>and so on…</p>

<p>Imma let you finish, but Beyonce wrote the best essay of all time!</p>