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1

<p>“Does motivation cause change?”</p>

<p>Score it! - - - :-)</p>

<p>Change alters lifestyle, history, and choice. Change manipulates a once-seemingly inchoate form of the human thought. Change compels people through the viewing of red-hand corruption. This statement is bolstered with examples coming from a literature standpoint, a current events outlook, and an alluring personal anecdote. </p>

<p>Emerging from a literature point of view, one of the most overt paradigms of corruption resulting in positive ramifications is William Shakespeare’s “Hamlet.” It is from an incestuous marriage to his sister-in-law and the death of his magnanimous brother that Claudius bequeaths the Danish throne. Disgusted by Claudius’ immoral methods of seizing the throne, Hamlet utilizes this as a vehicle and a s catalyst to metamorphosize a now-carouse Denmark into a respectable territory. From peering this corruption, Hamlet makes it a focal point to make right what was made wrong-to revolutionize Denmark to its zenith. </p>

<p>From the approach of current events, it is with the nefarious actions of inside trading, evinced by examples such as Enron and ImClone that cause the general public to truncate their old set of beliefs for novel ameliorations. Inside trading gives one party key inside information of total bankrupts or clandestine upward fluctuations; seen with the aftereffects of the demise of Martha Stewart and the ruin of Enron, people question having all stocks of the same company or the morality of the sellers. Corruptions cajole other to be astute, precise, and weary. </p>

<p>In terms of personal experience, I too have felt the impact of corruptions. During 11th grade, I witnessed the furtive action of thievery-a laptop was missing; I knew “whodunit.” I turned in the culprit. In finding the bandit, I in turn caused the need for school observing cameras. The knowing of corruption led to future takings; corruption led to safety. </p>

<p>All in all, it is evident that corruption prompts the need to change: the need to ameliorate, the need to critically observe, and the need to find safety. Change-it’s all you can do.</p>

2

<p>Personally, I think it sounds a bit too grandiloquent & bombastic (not to be hypocritical :stuck_out_tongue: )… I don’t know if the SAT readers go for that or not.</p>

3

<p>Hey, I just did this prompt today, and did posted it in this forum also! please take a look. </p>

<p>Glucose, I feel that you tried too hard to make use of big vocabulary, and sorry to be harsh, but it was a sad attempt. Some of the words don’t fit, and most of your ideas aren’t developed enough. There are no progression of ideas within the essay. It seems like you are just blurting out things out. Not enough details. The ideas that you do have aren’t explicitly linked to the prompt entirely, like the Hamlet example.</p>

<p>The biggest problem is progression of ideas. The ideas and examples aren’t linked clearly linked to your thesis, or the prompt. Very awkward phrasing, diction, and syntax throughout, which impedes the reader’s comprehension. </p>

<p>Sorry if this was harsh, but it seems like you made too much of an attempt to come off as intelligent, and in the process didn’t think enough about essay and prompt.</p>

<p>I’d score it in the lower half.</p>

4

<p>It’s alright. I haven’t done an essay in a long time. </p>

<p>I’ve gotten two 12s…so I guess there’s pressure.</p>

5

<p>I wish I could get a 12 on my essay!</p>

<p>The essay’s not bad. You just really need to develop the ideas and connect it to one unifying thesis, using a clearer diction and straight-forward voice.</p>