Essay Suggestion: Include or not include this?

College Essays
1

<p>My essay starts with a story about how I worked at a store to help sell stuff. It then goes into a reflection about what I learned from this experience. Near the second to last paragraph, I put in an anecdote about a time when my school was in need of money and so I decided to use the business techniques that I learned in order to help raise money for a fundraiser (This short anecdote is about 100 words, 4 sentences). The last paragraph discusses how I learned a lot and had a great time from working at the store.</p>

<p>My question is: Do you think I digressed to much by bringing up a paragraph about the time I had to raise money for a fundraiser. Should I include it or leave it out?</p>

<p>The benefits of including it is that it is interest information, its related and connected, and reveals information about me. The reasons to leave it out is that it sort of digresses from my main story of working at the store.</p>

<p>My essay is 1 page single spaced. It is 630 words, so without that paragraph it would become around 530, putting me very close to the limit for the word count.</p>

2

<p>It’s hard to tell without reading it. If you want, PM it to me and I will take a look.</p>

3

<p>It sounds like you showed yourself using your experience to work with others in order to help a valuable cause. This is good, detailed, revealing material and I vote for finding a way to include it–without going way over the word limit. </p>

<p>Your description makes me think that the last paragraph could be omitted. Show, don’t Tell.</p>