essay too eccentric?

This is most of my personal essay, I’m worried it’s too “out there.” Any comments would be appreciated…

<pre><code>I began to realize how much I loved biology when I received my first bio textbook in 6th grade. Granted, I was just staring at the pictures like everyone else, but it was much more than that to me. There was one picture in particular, of a poor, helpless cell exploding with evil grey viruses. It gave me nightmares. It gave me goosebumps. But it stuck in my head. And everyday when I went to not pay attention in class, I’d look at that picture until I just couldn’t stand to see that poor cell wall being ripped up anymore, and turn away. It may not seem like a monumental moment in a child’s life, but from then on, I knew I’d never be able to stop myself from staring at pictures in biology books. From then on, I knew I just liked the little stuff.
I also like sperm trying to make their way into big, fuzzy, human eggs. I wonder if they just get stuck there, and give up and flop right down. Or if they try to pull their head out and find something else to do until the PH neutralizes and they meet their final doom. I wonder if sperm have consciousness, and hear great legends of fellow sperm who successfully made the heroic voyage from…to…well, you know the rest.
Kids always think they’re special just because people tell them so, but I for one know I’m unique. You see, I’m blood type O negative. I’m part of 7% of the American population that is considered a “universal donor,” which means I can save anyone’s life in the entire world with my excess blood, no matter what blood type diet they’re on. Donating blood is important to me. I feel like anytime you can save someone’s life with little to no effort on your own part, and get free ice cream, you should go for it.

There’s more to it, but this is the only part I’m worried about.

<p>I think you should get rid of the part about the sperm because it doesn't fit into the rest of what you're saying. Also, the third paragraph doesn't have anything to do with the first. In the first you concentrate on how much you love biology, but in the third you're talking about how important donating blood is. You should choose one topic and stick with and it should be a topic that reveals something about you that isn't seen anywhere else in your application.</p>

<p>I don't think it's "too out there," but I do think there are some major grammatical issues and an evident lack of coherence.</p>

<p>I understand what you're trying to convey-- that even microscopic entities can have a gigantic influence, both personally and biologically, of course. But.. the essay skips around a bit too much. You go from fertilization to sperm consciousness to "heroic voyages," to being unique, to, at last, being a blood donor.</p>

<p>You jump from your love of science to the importance of donating blood. I don't get it. I think you should throw out the "I'm unique because I have Type O Negative blood!" thing. What's the point of it? I think they're looking for a different "unique," not necessarily a genotype that a good 7% of the American population shares. What makes YOU different from EVERYONE else, not just 93% of people?</p>

<p>The first sentence is good. Keep that. I would:</p>

<p>Throw out one of the "It gave me nightmares/goosebumps" sentences. They both convey the awe-inspiring nature of biology. I also don't recommend starting a sentence with "and" unless it's extremely powerful or you're in dire need of diversity, which you don't seem to be in need of. </p>

<p>After the sperm, try to tie up everything. Fix the grammar as well.</p>

<p>I'll be more than happy to re-read it. Just PM me.</p>

Good luck!</p>

<p>Thanks a lot r2005. The uniqueness thing was meant to be a pun at how colleges expect everyone who applies to be just the most individualistic individual ever! But I guess maybe I should let it go...I'll work it over. Thanks guys.</p>

<p>Ahhh, I see.</p>

<p>But, if I were an adcom, I would never get that out of it.</p>


<p>you said: I also like sperm...</p>

<p>I thin that is a weak beginning of the paragraph. The 2nd one seems relevant nad pretty good if u clean it up a lil. I agree that the 3rd paragraph was off topic</p>

<p>also, you said" And everyday when I went to not pay attention in class, I’d look at that picture until I just couldn’t stand to see that poor cell wall being ripped up anymore, and turn away."</p>

<p>I don't understnad that. looking at a cell ruptured by viruses made you pay attention in class? </p>

<p>all in all, I like your essay though</p>

<p>I would never get that as a joke, either. Sounds dead serious. I wouldn't spend any space in a college admission essay trying to be ironic about the process.</p>

<p>This essay is unfocused and scattered. And you are not showing scientific or intellectual curiosity. Just childish (or possibly creative) curiosity anthropomorphizing of cells. You may just as well be wondering what fruits say to each other when sitting in a fruit bowl together.</p>

<p>The 'thesis' that you were destined to stare at pictures in bio books is a bit underwhelming.</p>

<p>I think the first paragraph is too "out there", like you're making something out of nothing in drawing out your reason for loving biology. If it were written differently, as it seems unbelievable, it might work, but not as it currently is.</p>