Hello everyone! I have applied to Cornell however I feel as though my essay was too pretentious and I am scared that they will immediately throw it out. I wasn’t writing in such a manner for the college rather this is my writing style plain and simple. Any ideas? Thanks!
Defining my Personhood Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Brain
Two summers ago I set out on a quest without leaving my house with people who I did not (nor will ever) meet. I had just turned fifteen and with the age came a surly streak of rebellion that transmogrified my bangs into blinders and my bottom lip into a rimy overhang. I had renewed my subscription to the lesbian sisterhood with my first girlfriend, but my childish wish for insurrection did not protect me from feeling outcasted in a small southern town with small southern values. To accept my identity, I discerned (with a tenacity that only a potent mixture of hormones could concoct) that I had to define my personhood outside the God-fearing parameters that enveloped me. So, I closed my eyes, spun around, and picked a direction to travel.
Up the road a’ways I discovered literature, feeling validated in my angst by the likes of Holden Caulfield and Alex Delarge. But validation, though gratifying, could not dispassionately define personhood.
I craved the concrete.
And thus I turned to philosophy. I waltzed with Kant’s autonomy and wept with Nietzsche’s selbstüberwindung.
But again, I longed for an impartial review of my humanity.
Here are where things get (and I shall put this in the most pretentious way I can): sciencey. To create a palpable model of personhood, I realized that I needed to look within not metaphorically, but literally. I traveled up the nasociliary nerve and past the olfactory bulb, pausing to wipe my brow at Caudal orbital cortex. I looked up at the unassuming three-pound mass of tissue (the end of the line) and fathomed that it had forged every book I had read and every philosophy I had adopted. The paths of my journey had converged at this spot: The human mind.
The reason I have spun this anecdote is because I believe that this journey mirrors Cornell’s educational philosophy- to facilitate the convergence of all disciplines so as to foremost ensure that every student is fluent in all aspects of a chosen area. At Cornell, neuroscience “thinks outside the box.” Rather than being relegated to the straitjacket of specialized medicine, It is stitched neatly into a myriad of other sciences. Cornell’s students of neuroscience can magnify this pluralism by traveling to Copenhagen and Amsterdam, freeing thought from the box of western culture into a rumpus of global proportions. But the tendrils of Cornell’s academia expand not only outward but inward to the metaphysical. With Dr. Schiff’s pioneering research into the enigma of consciousness, they twist into the heart of my summertime quest: “what makes me human?” In Cornell’s motto “I would found an institution where any person can find instruction in any study” lies the truth I uncovered the summer of my fifteenth year. That the discovery of one’s passion is filled with scenic loops and quaint roadside attractions that one must explore to add richness to the final academic destination. That a skinny lesbian with tentative aspirations can walk down the road of personal acceptance only to end up at a neuroscience turnoff covered with overgrowth. So, to whoever I am sending this to. I have not met you (nor may I ever), so you must pardon the manners of one who is essentially a ghost. I must away without a proper goodbye for the road extends ever forward and the trip is certain to be long (and that doesn’t include the occasional stop for gas).
Among the attributes top schools like is the ability to self-edit, come down to the right message. And remember, “Show, not just tell.” Yes, the fancy-shmancy words and obscure phrasing get in the way. What do you expect them to take from this?
I already sent it in… my parents refused to let me edit it anymore… and now I am stuck. I feel terrible now. I had a chance with the school and I blew it because I am too pretentious. I wish I could rewrite it…
It’s out of your hands now. Hope for the best. If you’re a good match, otherwise, you may be fine. There are several key points in their review and the essay is just one.
Frankly, this is not a winning essay. I would have stopped reading after a couple of sentences. But as others have said, it’s only one piece of your application. Good luck!
Hi there! So I’ve just been accepted to Cornell with early decision, and I really enjoyed your essay. The first few sentences were a tad difficult to decipher – as it usually takes a little bit for the mind to catch on to someone’s thought processes. But anyway, you really shouldn’t worry about it anymore now that you’ve turned it in.
It’s definitely interesting and it shows that you’re a thinker. I had thought that my essay was too pretentious too but it turned out alright in the end. Just stay calm and remember that no matter where you end up, it’s obviously going to be someplace good
Hello,
I think that the content of the essay itself isn’t horrible, but the extraneous amount of $50-words really makes it a difficult– and pretentious– read. Best of luck.
OK. I hated your essay at the word “transmogrified” (huh?) but then I LOVED it at “bangs into blinders and my bottom lip into a rimy overhang.”
I wanted to stop right there and start filming you because you could be a character in a really cool movie. One that I won’t forget 5 minutes out of the theater.
I wish for you what I wish for my own children–that you get a reader who gets you. Good luck!! NO REGRETS.
@Iamsostressed23 I’m a 17 year old senior and didn’t love all the big words either, but after I got over that I tried to look at it from a seasoned admissions officer’s eyes. I think you have something there. Even with your big words, they didn’t sound forced, like you just opened up a thesaurus and spilled it out on the page. They sounded like they came from someone trying to show they could write decent prose. Yes, it was hard to pick out what you were trying to say exactly but in there I could find YOU and I think that will resonant, and I applaud you passively working in your sexual orientation. That will play well because it didn’t sound forced or like you were entitled to special treatment. My biggest problem with your essay was the fact you wrote with such literary intelligence but want to get into a scientific field. It seems like a mismatch. Not that neuroscientists can’t write, but they certainly don’t write like JD Salinger. Other than that, I wouldn’t sweat it. You came across as intelligent, creative and maybe a little misguided - but certainly not pretentious. If your scores and other stats are solid, I don’t think your essay will hurt you. Like someone else said, hopefully your reviewer will “get you.”
Yes I agree it’s a tad pretentious; especially the 2nd half. I showed it to some of my Cornell friends and they all agreed.
It’s fine using some uncommon words where applicable, but imo you overused them. And the part where you referenced your own pretentiousness certainly doesn’t help.
However, it’s not a terrible essay and it probably won’t be an application killer (unless you were on the fence already).
One guy in my year literally wrote about sitting on a toilet and he got into Cornell. Relax and keep your chin up. There’s nothing you can do now except wait for decision day.
I’m really not trying to be rude, but I think it’s terrible.
Fancy words are worthless if I still have no idea what the point of the essay is or what you’re even trying to tell me. I’ve learned nothing about you other than the fact that you’re a lesbian, or that you know a lesbian. I have no idea what your lesbianism has to do with education at Cornell and am overall just confused.
I don’t know what your stats are but I hope they’re good.
I must say firstly that i think it is actually a really good essay. It is really well written and your vocabulary, though sophisticated, seems natural. This is my opinion, and some other people have different opinions, so i hope that your admission officer shares my opinion
Only you could have written it. No one can ask for more than that. Lots of colleges just want a well written piece and it’s certainly that. Others want to learn more about you, and you’ve accomplished that too. I’m a Cornellian and for what its worth, I liked it. When I applied to college, I left my essay for my Dad to read. He was laughing so hard, he was crying, and it wasn’t meant to be a comedy. Bottom line, I was true to myself. Congrats on your essay. I think its a winner. Own it. Not pretentious at all iMHO.
I think the problem is not that it’s too pretentious. It’s that no one can understand what you are conveying, and it doesn’t seem to answer the supplement prompt. (Instead of learning about what Cornell’s programs will offer you, I learned that you knew a lesbian.) But, no one can tell you how an admissions officer may perceive it. For all we know, they might love it.
Is it the supplement prompt or Common App essay? In any case, I understood it and still consider it one of the best I’ve read. Fingers crossed for you. Far above Cayuga’s Waters…hail all hail Cornell!
I am Cornell Class of '91. A lifetime ago, I actually was part of a group of students who read application essays and made recommendations regarding acceptance. I actually read the application of a then TV sitcom actress (we recommended her acceptance, but she did not attend).
To be honest, your essay read as if it were fan fiction for a bulletin board devoted to Lena Dunham’s “Girls,” which I am sure was not your goal. You wanted to support your outstanding grades and test scores with a killer essay that nails home the point that you are smart and will be an asset to Cornell (or whenever you end up).
Take this as a lesson. Understand what you are trying to accomplish. Write in plain language. Make sense. Tell the reader, hey, this girl is special and worthy of consideration. All I got out of your essay was that somehow my alma matter was being compared to a trip up your nose to your brain. That’s not a good look.
Also, understand your audience. The admissions staff has a few extra years on you and, ask your parents, true introspective wisdom takes a few wrinkles, gray hairs, and one or two of life’s kicks in the butt. Unless you give some backstory to build your credibility, the notion of a 15 year old having an epiphany made me roll my eyes.
Don’t beat yourself up. This is part of the process. Good luck.
Would love to know if this was for the personal essay or prompt, and if it was the latter, then what school were you aiming for (ILR, CAS et al)? I am not going to pile on because the damage is done. The essay will only hurt you if you are an iffy candidate. Of course, one reader’s idea of lousy may be another’s idea of great. Hope the OP will follow up after all is said and done.
