essay

College Essays
1

hi,
please correct and grade my essay. It has a Toefl prompt.

  1. If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you

change? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer

If I could change one important thing about my hometown I would provide more work places. In my hometown there are a few work places which pay menial weight to their employees; therefore more work places will provide better economically and conveniently lives.

A verity of work places provides people to work in their desirable practices. A lot of dwellers leave or travel far away from my hometown to different cities to live and to work there. Big cities provide opportunities that small towns such as my hometown do not provide. For example my brother who just graduated with a degree in engineering was unable to find a job in his practice at his hometown. As a result he left his hometown and his family to fulfill his dream to become an engineer.
My hometown is very attractive; it located on the beach and its vintage buildings are impressive. The creation of hotels, clubs and shopping centers will supply work places and economic profits. These will attract tourist that will spend money on indulgent and invest in properties. The money will provide big salaries to enable the citizens to live lavish lives. In addition the money will attract big companies to open branches in my hometown, this also will provide economic profits and verity of practices. Thus, dwellers will able to work in their practice and to live next to their families. For instance when a shopping mall was opened in my hometown recently it provided teenagers to work at summer break and to have a place to hang out with friends. Also it provided entrepreneurs the opportunity to open stores and restaurants.

In conclusion, the most important change that can enhance my hometown is to create verity of work places. A verity of work places will provide dwellers to work in their practices and to earn big salaries. Also it will attract people from different places to interest and to enjoy from my hometown. These will solve the main economic problems and will provide economic safely. Moreover my hometown will receive its well deserve recognition in the world.

2

Since this is a TOEFL essay, I’ll focus more on English grammar and mechanics.

I’d probably say “menial wage.” If your area has a defined minimum wage, you could also use “minimum wage.”

More workplaces, or better-paying workplaces? Also, the phrase “better economically and conveniently lives” is awkward.

Use “variety,” here and elsewhere. “Verity” means truth.

it is located on the beach

tourists

I know what you mean here, but “lavish” might be too strong a word, compared to struggling to find a job that barely pays the bills. Someone else might have a different opinion.

Comma after “addition.”

This is a comma splice. Use a semicolon, or a conjunction such as “therefore” or “hence,” etc.

I’d probably say “work during summer break.”

“Dwellers” is completely fine, but “residents” might be more common in English. Additionally, I would probably say “will provide residents the opportunity to work in their practices…”

economic safety

As you can see, lots of small changes to make, but you’ll get better with practice. English is tough.

3

Tanks

4

Thanks * lol