Essay

[rockermcr]

<p>Who wants to grade my essay?</p>

<p>Assignment: Can success be disastrous?</p>

<p>Essay:

Success can often have many negative consequences. Though happiness and prosperity are at its heart, success usually brings with it many unforeseen, and often disastrous, effects. Daniel Keyes’ Flowers for Algernon is a perfect example of the negative consequences of success. Similarly, Hitler’s Third Reich and Marie Curie’s discovery of radium provide further evidence for my argument.</p>

<p>In Keyes’ Flowers for Algernon, Charly Gordon is a mentally ■■■■■■■■ adult who always dreamed of becoming “smart.” His intense desire for intelligence was brought to the attention of a group of scientists who were looking to conduct an experiment that would increase the cognitive abilities of the participants. Charly was chosen as the subject of the study, and over the course of just a few months, his IQ skyrocketed to over 200. This success, the attainment of intelligence, was not without consequence. Charly became arrogant, which caused him to lose all of his friends. Though very smart, Charly became alienated from society.</p>

<p>Hitler’s Third Reich shows the negative aspects of success. When he became Chancellor of Germany, he led on a campaign to take over Europe. Over the course of this conquest, he sought to systematically exterminate gypsies, Jews, and homosexuals. He was highly successful, and by the end of his life, he was responsible for an approximated 6 million deaths. This illustrates the subjectivity of success. Though Hitler succeeded in achieving his goal, millions had died in the process. Thus, the achievement of one man was disastrous for millions of others.</p>

<p>Marie Curie’s discovery of radium in the early 20th century was arguably her greatest achievement. Through her experiments on pitchblende, she succeeded in finding a new, highly radioactive element: Radium. She kept a small quantity of it in a vial and carried it with her wherever she went/ The radioactivity of the radium sample led to her demise. Thus, her success in discovering a new element had a catastrophic consequence.</p>

<p>Success can often be disastrous. Charly Gordon from Keyes’ Flowers for Algernon found that his success came at a price: His alienation from society. Similarly, Hitler’s Third Reich, while being his greatest success, proved disastrous for much of the world. The domain of science is likewise not without negative consequences arising from great achievements, as Marie Curie’s death proves. Thus, as counter-intuitive as it may seem, success is often accompanied by failure.

</p>

<p>What do you think? I’m not particularly fond of this essay, but I’m not exactly sure about what’s wrong with it.</p>

[fiona_1]

<p>I think you should work harder to integrate the examples to head to your conclusion instead of one-liners. </p>

<p>Also, you question the definition of success in the second example which isn’t a good place to ask that question. Either define it at first, or call it into question at first. It throws off the flow.</p>

[steamedrice]

<p>Hi rockermcr,</p>

<p>I can see why you have a vaguely uncomfortable feeling about this essay: all the elements of an excellent essay are present. You begin with a solid introduction and follow with three well-chosen examples, all developed fully (except for the Curie one) with good style and vocabulary. There’s definitely a lot to commend here.</p>

<p>The weakness of this essay, however, is its coherence. It seems almost as if you took three examples and just listed them. Try to connect the examples not only back to the thesis, but also to each other. To smoothen out your flow more, try: 1) focusing on two examples rather than rushing to get three in (decreases the number of transitions you need and alleviates the “list” sensation), and 2) add a transition sentence at the end/beginning of each example. </p>

<p>Lastly, try to rework your conclusion so that it’s not merely a summary of the rest of the essay. It’s very difficult at times, but make an effort to incorporate new insights so that your conclusion isn’t merely filling up space. One of the tricks I liked was to throw in a metaphor (ie success is a rose, it may seem tantalizing and beautiful but it has thorns) at the end.</p>

<p>Overall, I’d give this essay a 9-10. It’s solid, but an extra push will get you a perfect score. Try out some of my suggestions and see if they work for you.</p>

<p>Hope this helped,
Richard</p>

[rockermcr]

<p>Thanks for the feedback, fiona and steamedrice.</p>

<p>Conclusions are definitely something I have to work on. I knew my second example was a bit shaky, and I was running out of time so I rushed through the third answer. The time limit is what I struggle with the most.</p>