It’s not about whether someone “deserves” to inherit, it’s about the wishes of the owner of the estate. For example, my parents, when they became older and more forgetful, decided to move close to where I live. My brother is on the other coast. Of course the care giving falls to me because I am nearby. But, I certainly don’t question that my brother would deserve half the estate. As I incur expenses, as POA, I will take those expenses from the estate and my brother’s family will have to trust me to be “fair.” The caregiver recipient should have solo power of attorney. If I miss work to care for my parents, I expect those hours to be compensated at the same rate as a private agency caregiver. This way, I am “reimbursed” for my care giving without having to be nit-picking about inheritance.
My brother died about two years ago. Certainly I feel it’s fair for his children to inherit his half even though they have not visited or are involved at all in care giving. My husband is involved, but feels it is fair if I am deceased, my half of the estate will go to our children. It’s what would happen anyway.
For those who are the care givers. Make sure you have POA and agree with your siblings that you should be compensated for your time and efforts. This way, you don’t have to haggle over the inheritance.
@CTTC how do,you define “care”? Does this mean living near the elder family members? Does this mean having the, love at your home with you? What does this mean?
My inlaws live 5 minutes from one of their kids…this was the inlaws choice. We are next closest at 6 hour drive away. The rest are WAYYYYY farther away…requiring plane trips.
Everyone contributes in a different way to the care of these elders. Sure. The SIL who loves right there is “on” more than others. Logistically that just makes sense. But the siblings don’t care any less.
What do you expect? That all offspring will move so they reside within a short drive of their elderly parents?
I’m the OP. My ex-husband lives with his parents and is their full-time caregiver. His father is willing to pay him and did so for a few years but ex-h no longer is getting paid (as far as I know) because he’s concerned about Medicaid divestment issues (which could be averted if ex-h were to have a caregiver’s agreement, but he has chosen to not take the time to put one together). All the parents’ assets are to be divided as follows: all to the surviving spouse; then divided equally among the four children on the death of the second spouse to die. The parents might or might not want to give ex-h a greater share of the estate, but my former mother-in-law has Alzheimer’s disease and thus cannot alter the estate plan, and my former father-in-law might no longer be competent to alter the estate plan.
@thumper1, if your sil is the one who’s “on,” then don’t you think she should be compensated? I sure do. What is it that she does for your in-laws? (I may change my mind if it turns out that she doesn’t do much at all.)
It’s very different when one is the far away sibling whose life isn’t constantly disrupted, who doesn’t have to give up a job, who can pick up and go wherever whenever…even if they “care” for the ailing parent. Lots of adult children are taking care of their elders. “Caring about” does NOT equal “taking care OF” (especially physically).
My inlaws left their estate to their children, but if a child pre-deceased them, to the surviving spouse, and then to the grandchildren per stirpes. I really appreciated this, though none of the “if” clauses were executed.
There is an issue for people who may be ruled not competent to alter their estate plans, if set up in a way they no longer actually want. This can take you by surprise.
For some people – my mom included – it would violate every fiber of their being to present a bill for the care provided to an elderly parent at the end of life. I can’t even imagine my mother raising that issue. And anyway, any reasonable compensation for care would have dwarfed the entire estate, and she wanted her surving siblings to receive equal shares. (And to be fair, all of the siblings viewed themselves as having participated in the care to the degree they were able. It was just the absent grandkids who made no effort whatsoever that rankled).
I raise this just to point out that people have wildly differing views about the appropriateness of making claims for caretaking expenses after the person’s death.
I thought that, at the least, my mom should have received reimbursement from the estate for the myriad out-of-pocket expenses she had incurred but she was unwilling to claim even those. She was the executor and there likely would have been no resistance to her obtaining reimbursement for the expenses, but she chose not to claim them.
My SIL agreed to have her parents move near her. All of the rest of us made the same offer. She is there to just be there. They wanted to live near one of their kids and THEY chose to live near that kid. She has them over to dinner a couple of times a month, and is there as the first one to be called in any emergency. She is NOT providing day to,day care. My inlaws have 24/7 hired help to do that. And they live in a very swanky senior community with tons of amenities…including emergency response.
And for that, SIL is sort of compensated. Inlaws took them on an Alaskan cruise (none of us were offered a free trip), and frequently treat them to dinners out, or concerts or whatever.
And SIL does NOT want to be compensated now. She feels that her siblings are a help to her even if from a distance…and she also knows it was her parents choice…not ours…for them to live near her.
Their will is clear. It’s pretty much like the OPs. Assets go to surviving spouse first. Then in equal parts to all of their kids after that.
They have also stipulated that their house and all the contents be sold. In other words, they are not willing any of their things to their kids. It’s really too bad, because each kid would like one thing from their parent home…but my MIL has adamantly refused this. She says…they can buy it at the estate sale.
“They have also stipulated that their house and all the contents be sold. In other words, they are not willing any of their things to their kids. It’s really too bad, because each kid would like one thing from their parent home…but my MIL has adamantly refused this. She says…they can buy it at the estate sale.”
Sounds smart over potential contention over who gets what.
There is absolutely NO overlap in what the siblings want. We aren’t talking expensive artwork or antiques…or jewelry. These are things they grew up with…small things.
Believe me…this has NOTHING to do with contention over who gets what (remember,mshe could stipulate in her will who gets what…and she chose to have an estate sale instead). This is all about control.
When our parents died, my sister and I took whatever we wanted from their homes. No one questioned it. Who was going to question it? We were the executors, we were the only beneficiaries, and neither of us objected to what the other person was taking. Everything else went into the estate sales, and everything that didn’t sell was donated to charity or picked up by a trash hauler.
I don’t see why the siblings can’t just take what they want as long as they are all in agreement, there are no other beneficiaries, and there’s nobody around to object. And if the will specifically states that all the “contents of the house” are to be sold, then perhaps those particular objects should find their way out of the house before the person dies.
It’s funny. My Dad got rid of a lot of stuff when he downsized and remarried and my sister and I had forgotten about some things that we both liked. Later, his new wife got rid of more things and we both felt sad at the loss of these small items that were such great reminders of our old family life. Then I started looking around and found some of them on Etsy. Celery plate that is shaped like celery? Now, we can each have one! Sometimes it is just the object that is a trigger of good memories, and it is those memories that are precious, not the particular object itself.
After my grandmother passed away, my aunt told her kids to go to my grandmother’s house and take whatever they wanted. She didn’t inform my mom or my uncle beforehand. When my mom did find out, she was livid and never forgave her sister. Bad blood for 30+ years. The irony is that I wouldn’t have wanted any of the things that my cousins took. So, IMHO the salient point in Marian’s post #70 is that the distribution of inherited stuff should be done openly and cooperatively, not stealthily.
Shortly before my aunt died I sent her a beautiful vase for Christmas which I had picked up on vacation. After she passed away that was the only thing I wanted from her belongings, in order to remember her by. My sister however went a little nuts and insisted she had to have it (along with literally all of her other belongings). I’m still a little bit annoyed over that many years later as it had zero sentimental value for her.
And now we have stories that show why thumper’s MIL plan isn’t that bad of an idea. Unfortunately, you never know how unreasonable and greedy people can get after a death in the family. If it goes to the estate and you want it, just buy it that way. Whoever wants it most and pays the highest price gets to take it home
Thats a horrible story, @ bookworm. I hope the former friend was left with enough $ to have excellent care when she needs it - because her family certainly won’t step up to the plate.
I think I recall a family couple who accumulated a moderately large estate.
Their trusts split the estate into two at the first death.
The deceased’s half was further split in half - half to the surviving spouse and half split among the children with a per stirpes clause (though not needed).
Remarriage is complicated. My dad was remarried for many years. His wife put up with a lot, and cared for him at home with two terrible years of dementia. She gave up her career to move around the world with him. He did not make the best choices for her should he die first. In mine and my siblings minds, she deserves a decent life. I have no clue whether me or my sibs will inherit anything when she passes away. He used to quietly say there was a lot to be divided. I am at peace with whatever happens. She has been very good to me.
My ex has dementia, and is being cared for at home by his new wife, who quit her job. In many ways, she deserves every penny. Fortunately for my kids, there are provisions for her to split anything remaining after his death with my three. Will anything remain? Hard to say. What is fair? Hard to say.
Best idea? Avoid divorce. But I find it interesting, that though both my kids and I had dads with assets, they and I grew up with great frugality aside from occasional trips and gifts from dad. It probably made us more industrious and creative, so not all bad.
