There can be remarriage problems without divorce. You really can’t assume anything about what the other person would do after you are gone.
When M died but before F sold the house to move to a retirement home, we kids got together and essentially held a lottery. You put your name in for a certain something along with other siblings that might want it. A name was pulled and that person got that item. I have many siblings and our parents had a lot of things. In the end, it worked out pretty evenly. As time has moved on, some of the items have moved from sibling to sibling. (I had some furniture that no longer worked for me so I passed it on to another sib, etc.). We siblings sat around the kitchen table and our various spouses all went out to a bar. Given how family dynamics work, we could not have had a better outcome. Interesting thing is when M was still alive, I’d come home to visit and she’d give me things to take back. A table, a lamp. Things I’d need in an apartment just starting out. Things I should hold onto (silver). I don’t know whether she did this with the others. I never asked anyone. No one ever said anything. But I suspect she did.
It’s nice that you and your siblings could work out a system that works for you, @m0minmd. I’ve heard many unpleasant stories unfortunately.
Oh @doschicos , I know what you are saying. Given how my siblings can be, I think back on that and I’m amazed. If we were to do that today, I don’t think it would work. But for that one time, it did.
I had a friend with 4-5 siblings, they were on the outs. When Mom died they did the kids get first bid at a private pre-estate sale thing. The sister of my friend knew the friend wanted a certain item, I think a ring, and that sister deliberately bidded it up. Or perhaps she wanted it, too. There is no way to know, but my friend certainly took it personally. Weird how much emotional energy we all attach to the transition of stuff at death.
On the other hand, the in laws moved out of their home & we kids did an estate sale. BILs wife was perfect, she just kept saying, “nobody needs more stuff” I think her DH would have the habit of being a pack rat & I think once one person starts that, “I want it, I want it” behavior, it can be contagious. As things ended up, there are a few items MIL/FIL thought were valuable and which did not even sell, I should have grabbed a couple of those pretties for the kids, but other than that, we all did pretty well not getting hyped up about who gets what.
In my mother in laws case, believe me…this isn’t about people getting mementos or not. It is all about control. I can tell you that my husband will not buy anything from her estate at an estate sale. Period. And neither will his siblings. And there is also NO WAY she is going to give any of them anything before she dies. It is what it is…
This is just one example of a serious control issue she has. Just one.
Fortunately we have all learned to live with her issues.
I like the idea of working it out around the kitchen table, although with my in-laws it wouldn’t work to have the spouses leave, as our H’s would have no idea what to ask for. Of the 4 currently married children, the marriages have been 29, 26, 25, and 19 years.
One SIL mentioned this summer that MIL had told her ALL her jewelry will go to the only daughter. I wouldn’t care much about that, although some of the pieces were ones H and I gave her and it would be nice to have those for sentimental reasons. That and there are 5 granddaughters, so it would be nice for them to have something.
For folks with potentially large estates, it makes sense to have an estate tax attorney review the wills etc. The IRS does not give a hoot about who gets grandma’s tea set, but they certainly care that they get their share of the pie. The federal exmption is so large that only a few of us would be taxed upon kicking the bucket, but state laws vary, for example, in WA, there is no state gift tax, but there is an eatate tax, and the exemption is smaller than the federal one. Minimize your heirs’ tax damage even if you think the IRS will not be getting a penny.
After my Mom moved everything she wanted to her new downsized quarters she asked all of us kids to get together and take everything we wanted. There were lots of things we all wanted, but we get along. We basically made piles of similar stuff. All the paintings, all the African carvings, all the furniture and then we took turns taking things. There’s some things I’m sad I didn’t get, but I know I’ve got things my brothers would have loved to have. Now that my Mom has passed on there’s a few things that we didn’t divvy up that I’d like to have, but are sitting in my brother’s house or in one of the rental properties. I’ll probably ask about them eventually. I’m actually more worried about my sister-in-law tossing stuff out (I swear she’s in the bag a week club) than there being big fights about stuff.
My sister has flat out said that she would never have my mom move in with her. So it means it would be either my other brother or myself taking my mom in when she could no longer live by herself. In some ways I do feel like what give YOU the right to say “it is not my job (obligation) to take my parent in,” so now it is someone else’s responsibility. I am not going to leave my mother to fend for herself just because my other siblings do not want to take care of her. As much as I love my mom, to have my mom to pay for few of my dinners or trips do not compensate for the time and effort I have to do to take care of her. At the same time, my time with my mom is priceless too. I also think it is not fair to expect in-laws to take care one’s own parents.
My inlaws would be buried with their stuff surrounding them…if they could. They have downsized 7 times in the last 12 years, and the only thing that has gotten smaller is the dwelling.
They won’t oart with anything…even when asked nicely. As an example…my FIL had three chests of drawers. Three. DD was moving into an apartment and DH asked his parents if they would be willing to part with one dresser. Answer was NO. Oh…and MIL also has three dressers.
Some people just have to hang onto their stuff.
We sisters in law have already been told that MIL will give all,of her jewelry and dishes (about 6 or 7 sets) to her two daughters. Of course, this was before she said it all was going to me sold at an estate sale.
There are four granddaughters in the mix, and seven grand sons. Nada to them.
I want to add…there is nothing my husband wants. I want nothing either. My son would love a couch they have. DD wants nothing.
The issue is that MIL reminds us about her estate planning every time we talk or visit. We get it!
Lol, @thumper1 that is just too much. I would be tempted to swipe a spoon everytime I visited just to see if she was counting.
Well, my dh’s family has to be different. There are 5 adult children, all have been married for 25 years or more and are fairly successful. My father in law told all his kids that when he and my mother in law are deceased, the estate will be split among the 5 kids. But, if one of those kids die, their portion will go to the other siblings. My FIL (an attorney) feels that he is leaving his estate to his children, not to anyone else. I’m sure there will be provisions for grandchildren but boy, I feel rather hurt. I always thought all of us out-laws were part of the family after all this time. While I don’t think my in-laws are going to outlive their children, I do hope if anything were to happen that the surviving children would make sure to take care of each other.
My dh’s aunt died this year and she had no children or spouse and her estate went to her siblings. One of those siblings predeceased her by six months and that sibling’s portion reverted to her siblings not to her children. Maybe I am missing something but it just seems wrong to me.
I agree that that seems wrong. If you wonder what your child would want to happen if they should predecease you, I doubt that would include leaving out their children and/or spouse.
Anybody ever read the book Cryptonomicon? I think that was the book… Anyway there was a scene where the main character had to divvy up the estate of a relative. My recollection is vague but as I recall he piled everything up on a football field and all the relatives got a set number of points. They could haul whatever they wanted out to the field with the yard line corresponding to the number of points it would cost. Pretty hilarious. I think in the book one relative took one single item and marched it all the way to the 100 yard line, using up all their points on the one item.
@Onward, I would not expect to inherit money from inlaws, and would not feel hurt if I didn’t. I don’t see it as suggesting that you are not family. You just aren’t their child. I do think that arranging things so that the $$ goes to the grandchildren if their parent predeceases the grandparents is the way to go. The same thing in the case of your H’s aunt. If I were her, I would probably have left each sibling’s portion to their children, if the sibling predeceased me. Unless there were circumstances that argued otherwise
Lots of people make a will and never think of revisiting it.
I agree. I would not expect to receive anything from inlaws. I don’t think my folks plan to leave anything to H if I would die first. If I receive money from my folks (it is likely and could be a large sum) I have already told H that I plan to leave it to our kids.
When my parents died, they did not leave anything to my spouse…and that was never an expectation. It was all left to their kids.
I’ve been married to my H for 30 years, and I’ve been a “good” daughter-in-law, and I wouldn’t expect my IL’s to leave any money to me. I would expect that my H would be the beneficiary, and I’d reasonably expect / anticipate that my children would each receive some kind of remembrance (piece of jewelry, watch, etc.). If H weren’t around, I’d assume that his share would be evenly divided among my kids.
I’m not planning to depart this life anytime soon, but if I do… With or without a will, my heirs will be my two daughters (now in their 20s). My most valuable asset is my residence, a house. I think the best thing for my daughters to do after my death would be to sell the house but what they decide to do is obviously up to them. Is there anything I could or should do now to make the process of post-death property disposition easier on them?