^One of the things I’m dreading if my in-laws were to die before downsizing from their house is dealing with their chaos. There is literally every sort of thing every where. We found nursing books from the 50’s in the front coat closet. I tried to get MIL to work on it last year, when they thought they would move, but at this point I don’t think there is any real progress.
I’m really trying to bring more order to my own stuff as a result of seeing the utter and overwhelming disorder of their stuff.
To make things easier on your family, join the bag a week club. Heck, become the president of it. Also get rid (TODAY!) of any diaries you don’t want family reading someday, or anything your kids would have to bleach their eyeballs if they saw. Unless you just like the thought of how they’re going to react to that.
Some grandparents like to leave a token amount to each grandchild, the rest divided evenly among the kids. My grandfather left enough for a share of his favorite stock to each grandkid. But my sister was born after he died, so she didn’t get that head start. And if you’re going to do that, decide how you’re going to treat the step-grands. Unless you want to cause more drama.
DH is planning to give our kids each a little of whatever FIL’s trust account ends up being. Not enough to let them quit their jobs and travel the world for a year, but enough to give them a little boost. We’re planning that they won’t inherit from us until they are in their 50s or 60s, by which time they won’t need it. What good is that? Might as well enjoy it now.
The grandparents that leave a set amount to each grandchild, with the remainder to be divided among the kids, can run into trouble when the number of grandchildren expands and the value of the estate plummets, which often happens when people live long lives requiring expensive care. People often don’t change their wills to reflect their changing financial situations. The specific bequeaths are paid first, so there may not be anything left after all the “token” amounts are paid.
My lawyer gave me a choice of adding my house, my biggest asset, into my Trust, or adding son’s name to Title of house. We opted to add trust to house, so now Title is bookworm, and Trust of bookworm.
I told my ailing patient this advice, when she was in and out of the hospital. On her way to K-marts, she saw a lawyers sign. She went in and told him to retitle her house to include her son’s name. She died a few months later. Her son told me how pleased he was that I had passed on this advice, and that his lovely mom followed the suggestion. Thank goodness he was an honorable lawyer and acted in haste.
@Consolation - I didn’t explain that well. No, I don’t think that I should receive any money as an in-law but I do feel that my dh’s portion (if he predeceases his folks) should go to my kids not to his siblings as that is how this will is set up. I should never type at night.
I hope it worked out well for your patient’s son to have his name on the house title before his mother’s death, but that won’t always be the case. There can be important tax reasons to inherit rather than owning the house before the parent’s death.
My mom passed away this summer somewhat unexpectedly and in a very contentious situation. My brother was her caretaker and his poor decisions led directly to her death. Lots of hard feelings all around. She had always said that her money would go to him (he is wealthy in his own right) but with personal bequests to family members, including a couple of valuable pieces of jewelry to granddaughters. My other brother and I were opposed to the decisions of the caretaker and my mother, and they were furious that we weren’t supportive. The last act my mother took before she lapsed into her final coma was to go to the bank and put the CDs that she had planned to leave to me and my son into my brother’s name. When she died, the special jewelry suddenly disappeared and he forgot that my mother had ever promised mementos to anyone else, including photographs of our kids. So my mother had three surviving children and three granddaughters and one grandson she was very close to and only the one son received a memento of the relationship. I am confident that my mother’s China and crystal will find their way to the back of the garbage truck.
How awful zoosermom! I don’t have any advice to give, just to live your life and try to leave this behind. I’m so sorry.
I have a friend whose Mom died about a year ago. Her sister (only sibling) is a bit nuts and won’t speak to her. Her sister is the executor and Mom left 1/2 to each daughter. My friend has had to go to court just to get an inventory of the estate, which turned out to say nothing. The sister is basically doing nothing, and sharing nothing with my friend, just draining the estate, small as it is, with condo fees. My friend doesn’t have the money for a lawyer and the sister’s lawyer tells her nothing. Ugh, some people are just bad.
@zoosermom , so sorry to hear about your mother’s passing, and the associated family dysfunction. We know you went the extra mile many times to take care of her, and your children watched and listened as you did. You have set a good example for them, and they can learn from your brother’s actions as well.
@rosered55, you asked what you can do. Have a will, keep it up to date, and name an executor that you have confidence in. Some attorneys advise against it, but I have been a co-executor with a sibling, and the check-balance of two people worked well for the most part for us. You may consider naming your kids as co-executors.
Greenwitch, yes that was my mom. She passed away the morning of my daughter’s grad school graduation and a few days before my son’s high school graduation. She should have had a year or more of slow decline, rather than the agonizing and dehumanizing death she suffered. We all know that decisions have consequences, but sometimes they are baaaaaad.
I agree with @greenwitch. I will give away anything I want to give before I die. But in addition, I will continue to ask my kids if there is ANYTHING they want…and they can take it NOW. Well…except for,the sterling silver flatware. They will,have to wait for that.
Approximately 15 years ago, my then-husband bought his parents an exercise bike. They rarely used it. 8 or 9 years ago, when his parents were in their early 80s, then-H borrowed the bike and brought it to our house, where it was frequently used by us and our daughters. Two or three years ago, then-H relayed to me that his father was upset that we had the bike. I sent his father $150 in cash for the bike, and several months later, I insisted that ex-H haul the bike back up to his parents’ home. That incident left a bad taste in my mouth.
Giving it away before you die sounds like a good way to do it if you are careful and your kids get along. My mom has started to to do a little of this. She’s actually worried that it will be too hard for us to deal with everything after she’s gone, but she has less clutter than anyone I know.
FIL’s family managed to make the process dysfunctional. He gave a necklace to his mom that she gave to her other child’s daughter many years later, which infuriated him. He always claimed that his mom would promise things to him, but then his sister would end up with them. Who knows, maybe since he didn’t take them right away mom thought he didn’t want them. Or maybe mom forgot what she had promised. So if you promise it to one kid, make sure you mark it so it doesn’t end up with a different one.
FIL loved telling about how, when they cleaned out his mom’s house, his sister tried to walk off with a box of teacups that had been gifts from MIL/FIL to his mom. But he grabbed the box from “her” pile and put it in his car without saying a word to his sister about it… I found the box in the basement when I cleaned out MIL/FIL’s house this spring. Unopened, covered with dust. But he won.
MIL/FIL sometimes tried to give us old stuff as the last step before throwing it away. Like old obsolete luggage. I always said no. Sometimes SIL would take it and throw it away herself, which was probably a good plan. But anything still potentially useful or sentimental they hung on to until the bitter end. And if no one took whatever they offered, they didn’t really even throw it away - it was in the attic or basement somewhere.
@rosered55 reiterating that you need a will. It will make it easier for your daughters and likely less expensive too, if they don’t end up having to go through the probate process with an attorney to have the home go to them. Or perhaps there is a way to name them as inheriting the home, but if nothing is done, they will need to somehow legally prove they are the rightful heirs.
@zoosermom so sad what happened to your mom and the situation as a whole.