To Jem- Your daughter is 33 but she has a daughter that is 22?
@younghoss, yes, my D is 33 (and has one child, age1) and my neighbor’s D is 22. I am several years older than this neighbor.
I’d tell neighbor that daughter wasn’t in touch with me as often as both of us would like , but that we had made our peace with it, given the phase in of life she was navigating.
As to drop ins, the obligation is indeed different with a plan, than without one. You have received excellent tips all around. The drop-ins are a re-training opportunity. All the best!
And the TV show Friends is based on people who pop in.
I grew up in NYC and lived in Manhattan apartments for decades and did not have “drop by” visitors, so was always fascinated by all such activities on such shows. Finally I realized that the script writers were not going to “waste” precious TV time on having characters calling each other before coming by to interact.
It is not a reflection of reality, but rather an efficient plot device.
OP that would bother me too.
If it’s not convenient, then accept the gift and apologize for not being able to invite them in. Then model what you want them to do by saying you will call later to set up a time when you can visit them.
My friends and family know if they want to visit, I’d better know they’re coming. There’s a fabulous freedom that comes with ignoring the doorbell, which is exactly what I do if I’m not expecting someone. I grew tired of descending the stairs and answering the door to find a salesperson or politician-pusher standing there, so I just stopped answering several years ago. I’m not obligated to answer my door, just as I’m not obligated to answer my phone. I have sidelight windows on either side of the front door and, though I have plantation shutters on them, I prefer to leave the louvers open. There have been a couple of times when I was passing by the front door just as someone rang the bell. On one occasion, I saw a sales person peering through the window as he’d obviously seen me. No dice, salesperson … move on.
Years ago when we first moved out to the burb, next neighbor’s kid came over because his baby sister was taking a nap and his mother wanted him out of the house for few hours, I sent him back home because my kids were doing their homework. I was used to parents setting up playdates, not random drop bys. My friends and family also know not to drop by unexpectedly.
I agree with the above poster who suggested putting curtains on that glass window by the front door. You could leave them open during the day if you wished but close them at night, which is when one can see in anyway. Then the neighbor couldn’t see if you were there or not.
I personally would have had no problems telling any neighbor or even close friend/family member who drops in without calling first that “I’m sorry, but now’s not a good time” or “I’m busy/have a long day tomorrow and can’t invite you in”.
Then again, none of my close friends would ever even think to drop in on others unannounced like that…not even most relatives* as they like my family/yours truly feel it’s not only an unwarranted imposition, but a sign one lacks appropriate boundaries regarding the value of the space and time of others.
In my extended family/my view, this type of behavior would be more tolerated with a minor bit advice regarding “It’s a good idea to call ahead before dropping in in the future” or something along those lines if the individual concerned was a teen or younger.
Not so much if the individual concerned is an adult (We’re of the mind an adult should know better).
- The exceptions tend to be regarded as immature and inconsiderate for lacking appropriate boundaries by not calling first.
JEM – I re-read your original post (in light of the new information you posted) and this stood out: “I do not feel comfortable greeting them and accepting a gift without inviting them in, so I do invite them in for a visit.” I bet your neighbor knows this – counts on your good will – and creates these excuses to come over because she knows you will invite her in.
I think you basically said she has this hidden agenda (which makes sense now given her comments about your respective daughters). So I think the dynamic is more about her seeking help for her child (if I read you right). Not that you can’t employ all the good advice here but this makes me understand the tension and subtext better.
It seems very odd that your neighbor would think that you would tell a 33 year old woman to be friends with
anyone. Your D is an adult and quite capable of deciding how to spend her time.
Perhaps saying something along the lines of “D is 33 years old. I am not involved with her social life any longer.”.
I certainly would not make excuses for my D. One of the way we respect our kids is to know when we
are no longer involved in an aspect of their lives and this is one of them. Her D is 22 and apparently they have not
crossed this bridge yet.
I don’t have any advice other than what has already been given. I just wanted to comment that it is too bad we can’t discuss a problem on the internet without some kind of caveat (first world problems etcetera)
OP I understand why you phrased it that way -I just think it is a shame that you have to.
Problems are problems and I think that we should be able to discuss them even if they aren’t life threatening and not have to apologize for them.
I think it’s fine to tell her that this isn’t a good time but to immediately suggest another that is. It signals that you want to spend time with her but that it needs to be scheduled.
If you model this behavior yourself (as suggested above) by calling and scheduling visits, you may "retrain " her, but it may take some time. And of course, during the visits, you can explain how the spontaneous visits often don’t work. Loved the idea of the embroidered story.
I understand that it’s a friendship you value and for that reason, it’s important to be sensitive to both your needs if you are going to sustain it.
@oregon101 , I have a similar issue, working from home, I may or may not be presentable at an hour when it is expected, with most of the companies back east, I sometimes get roped in to business stuff as soon as I wake up, but don’t really want to explain all that to neighbors 
We have a fantastic group of neighbors and all but one older couple seem to text before showing up, That could is most likely to show up, but it would be sharing something, never expecting to come in and hang out. That would be awkward. Can you ask her to text you a 10-15 minute warning so you can wrap up what ever you are in the middle of?
With the exception of undergrads and recent graduates still in “dorm undergrad mode”, I knew no adult or young professional who outgrew that adolescent/teen mindset who “drops by” as another native New Yorker.
And IRL, even many undergrads/recent graduates tend to find the “dropping-by” without calling first gets old really fast…whether it’s due to friends working late, spontaneous social activities with other groups of friends, traffic/public transit delays, complaints from roommates of said friend(s), and if one lives in a building with seniors and families with young children as neighbors…complaints from neighbors.
@oregon101, my mom would totally have been the neighbor who pushed for kids in a distant city getting together. She routinely asked me why I never saw “Johnny Smith”, who lived in the same city I did for many years. I am sure she brought it up to Johnny’s mom regularly. Johnny and I knew each other as kids, and had zero interest in interacting as adults. We saw each other occasionally at things like weddings in our home town, and weren’t interested in more interaction. But my mom regularly brought it up for 30 years. And I suspect it was something in common with Johnny’s mom that their kids live in the same city. And if Johnny and I had gotten together, that would have been conversation fodder for my mom with Johnny’s mom (and me on calls home) for weeks.
I think your neighbor is lonely. She probably comes from a family or social circle where drop ins are normal. I’d cultivate the “Oh, how nice of you to bring some pie! I’m sorry I can’t chat today, I’m need to . Maybe we can have a cup of coffee – I’ll call you .” And since you do like her, call when you say you will.
THANKS so much for all the thoughtful feedback, much appreciated. You have given me some wisdom and food for thought, and I will try to incorporate some of the suggestions for handling this situation in the future.
Regarding her pushing about your adult children getting together, try something along the lines of, “oh, given the 11 year age difference they are at different places in their lives right now and probably have little common ground. Besides, daughter is so busy with the baby” Repeat as needed in your Miss Manners voice.