Warning: Truly a petty first-world problem that we are fortunate to have!
We are blessed with lovely neighbors but they are somewhat inclined to get over-involved (wife, mostly; hubby goes along with her) in our lives. We like them very much but do not want to get into a pattern where, for example, we share holidays. (Kids’ wedding, and parties, yes, as one-time events.) They sometimes “drop in” on us with a small gift of food. Recently it happened when we were having a late dinner and needed to prep for a trip we were taking the next day.
Unfortunately, our front door has a large glass section and looks directly through the front hall into the rear kitchen so we can be seen there.
Anyhow, I do not feel comfortable greeting them and accepting a gift without inviting them in, so I do invite them in for a visit. Then I resent that I was manipulated by their agenda. I just wish they would give me a call before coming over so I could let them know if it is convenient and would not be put on the spot.
Neighbor wife does bristle on occasion (very sensitive re being appreciated) so I risk doing harm by being direct. I suspect the problem is they want to be considered more like family than “just” among our friends. Both our families are empty-nesters but we see our family members more frequently.
Again, I feel uncomfortable complaining as it is a “good” problem but I would just prefer to get a call before anyone comes over.
How could I nicely handle this? Any suggestions?
THANKS!
personally I would set aside my preference for a phone call, always be ready for the possibility they might just pop in, and be a gracious host/hostess even if it’s not the most convenient time for a visit. it’s the give-and-take of personal relationships. i would not risk offending them or hurting their feelings. that’s just me though.
I guess you can either address it next time she drops by or be proactive and say something to her to forestall another “visit”. I would try to catch her when she’s out, talk about other things, then casually bring up how nice it was to see them the other night but with a little more notice you could have really enjoyed sitting down together and catching up. Because last time you had so much on your mind with the big trip and you had to remember DH’s medication and you got so frazzled you couldn’t fall asleep til past midnight… (embroider as needed).
Then model the behavior you want in her: offer to call her over the next few days and see when would be a good time for you and DH to stop by and bring your special pie or whatever it is she brings.
I may not be a good person to respond…In this particular case, I would have taken the gift, thanked her, let her know we were busy having dinner and getting ready for a trip next day, and promise to call her as soon as you get back. I wouldn’t have invited her. If she insisted on coming in (just walk through the door), I would speak with her for few minutes and politely ask her to leave because you had to clean up and pack. I would also say, “I am sorry to rush you out like this. Give me a call next time, so we could have time for a visit.”
^ Point taken, @sorghum, I used the term “first world” poorly. What I meant is that it is a problem that I am fortunate to be able to even consider among my problems.
Perhaps try a more subtle approach- stop them at the door, and say- Gosh, I’m sorry, I wish you had called first, we are terribly busy right now and can’t visit. It would sound more polite and more friendly if you’d then offer an alternative such as- how about coming back Wed eve(for example)?
Or, if you are even less confrontational, say you were just getting ready to leave. Of course the trouble with that one that you’d have to leave to appear credible. That would inconvenience the Op which really isn’t fair, but it would placate the drop-ins.
If you don’t wish to be too direct as holidays approach, how about a pre-emptive plan? If a family holiday falls on the next Monday for example, how about telling them -in advance- that “Hey, we’re going to be busy next Monday with family, but how about we get together Tuesday?” Something like that tells them they’re not invited Monday, but that they are liked enough to be invited over another day.
And, find some curtain or something to block that front door view.
“I’d invite you in but we’re right in the middle of something right now. Give me a call and we’ll plan on getting together another time.”
Rinse and repeat a few times and they should get the hint eventually. But also take the initiative to call and invite them over afterwards (assuming you want to) so they don’t feel like you’re completely shutting them out - you’re only shutting down the unannounced visits.
^^^ Of course I’m also the same guy who had this conversation with a door-to-door solicitor that had my wife in tears laughing:
Him: “Hello sir, I’m here to tell you about xxx.”
Me: “Now’s not a good time”
Him: “No problem sir, when would be a good time for me to come back?”
Me: “Never”
[door slamming shut]
I would really try not to make her bristle or feel that she is a bother. It sounds like she’s a nice person, and we all have our faults. i would just greet them warmly and say “step in for a minute, I wish I could spend more time visiting ( and act like you really mean it), but we are just finishing dinner and getting ready to do xxx”. Say all this before she has a chance to say much. Do not invite them further than the entryway and if it’s warm leave the door open. Don’t act as if you are rushing her, but act bummed you don’t have more time. This will give her opportunity to save face by saying " oh, we weren’t going to stay, we just wanted to drop this off…say hi for a second" no one is embarrassed.
“Manipulated by their agenda” seems a bit harsh if she was simply making a friendly gesture.
Not trying to personally attack you, but wow has our society changed since I was a kid and my adult neighbors popped in and out of each of our houses on a frequent and casual basis.
@oldfort and @conmama, great advice.OP, take note.
PS. Now might be a good time to look for a classy, decorative curtain to hang over your front door. https://www.pinterest.com/pin/537969117970916994/ I’d post a link to some suggestions, but the website won’t let me.
^@KKmama, there is more going on. “It’s complicated.”
I deeply appreciate my friends, but sometimes this relationship feels intrusive in a number of ways.
(One example: I get comments on why my 33-year-old D who lives in a major city six hours away with a baby and job does not reach out to contact her 22-year-old D who is doing an internship in another area of the same city, etc. (They never had any social relationship other than as neighbors.))
Sometimes I just need more space/a relationship breather. For purposes of this thread I confined it to one issue.
It does sound like she’s a bit pushier than I thought. My advice still stands. If you value her friendship otherwise, I’d start answrting her questions honestly. “I’m sure she’d love to, but she’s so busy with a job and baby, she barely has time to breathe”. Is it more complicated than whatvyhis can solve?
I seriously do not enjoy drop in company. I just like a heads up that someone is coming by and
I also want 10-15 to get ready–such as put a bra on ;;).
I am often absorbed in my own plans for projects and while I enjoy neighbors and friends
visiting I enjoy them more with a little notice. If I am outside and clearly available it is different.
Years ago I had a neighbor who popped in frequently. I had two young kids and would barely be in the house after school and work and the doorbell would ring. Sometimes she just wanted to weight herself as she did not have scales. Her daughter was at our door as we were unloading the car. All in all it was just too much.
I was young and tried many indirect ways of asking for notice. I also talked to the mom directly about
her kid giving D some time to do homework and unwind. Nothing worked. I regret now that I did not have coffee with her and simply discuss ways to make our friendship work. I would now. I think.
This is just one of those tough situations but I agree about being polite, not inviting past the front door and setting up a future visit.
Recently a neighbor wanted to drop something off and did call. I was able, awkwardly, to say that it was not a good time. I was still in my robe and not set for the day. It turned out fine but I relearned that I am not a good “drop by” person. Also, the two times in my life I have dropped in unannounced with someoneI have felt awkward and uncomfortable. Why not just give a quick call or, at least, just stand outside the front door and give the pie and chat and leave?
I also grew up with the neighbors in and out. I think this is perhaps more about each
of our individual comfort zones. The lifestyle I live not is not conducive to pop in guests.
I have wondered if we move to a condo building if I will have to revisit this.
@conmama , thanks for your good and wise advice.
Re the Ds, I did respond that 1) I don’t get involved in my (adult) kids’ social lives and 2) My D is very busy with husband, baby and job – did not include the “she’d love to”, I confess. Neighbor responded that her D is very busy as well so that was not considered a sufficient reason.
As I say, my theory is that this person wants to be treated as close family (as if perhaps our Ds were cousins?) rather than friendly neighbors.
It is not reasonable in my mind to expect our adult kids to socialize out of obligation to folks they don’t feel any closeness to, especially if they are busy.