Evaluate My Essay Please

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<p>I so didn’t do this essay in 25 minutes, went way off the time limit (:. And still my essay sucks, so tell me how I can improve. Be critical as possible :)</p>

<p>Prompt:
The familiar admonition to “put your money where your money is” suggests that it’s far easier to speak up for a principle than to live up to it. That’s why most of us, whether we intend or not, say one thing but do another. It’s just part of human nature. </p>

<p>Assignment:
Is the common tendency to often say one thing but do another but into our nature, or is it something that experience teaches us to do?</p>

<p>My essay:</p>

<p>People continuously tend to make promises, or profess to hold tenuously unto lofty ideals, ambitions and principles. However, in the end, they fail to uphold those promises and succumb to temptations instead of upholding the very principles that they advocated. It is human nature that drives us to make such compromises to ourselves when we fail to uphold our principles and to others when we break the promises that we made.
Leaders of countries all around the world are the ideal example for this scenario. They will make a plethora of promises to their citizens and after building up the hopes of their countrymen, they will then afterwards give various excuses for their inability to fulfill those promises. For example, they might claim insufficient budgets as the reason for failing to fulfill the promised development projects for their respective countries. Meanwhile, the military leaders of Burma have continually promised the international community that they will give more freedom to their citizens, and will stop violating the human rights of their countrymen. However, when the Burma Junta sees their countrymen trying to see stand up for their rights, they immediately use violent measures to curb any social uprising and revolution. Leaders are unwilling to fulfill their initial promises for many reasons including the exhilaration of possessing uncurbed power and position and the increasing greed for more wealth will cloud their judgment to act for the goodness of their citizens. The negative shades of human nature provoke those leaders to abuse the very responsibilities that they promised to fulfill to their fellow countrymen.
In the book titled “The Picture of Dorian Gray”, the protagonist Dorian Gray began his life as an innocent young man uncorrupted by the world. In the end, he forsake the ideals of beauty and aestheticism which he held in high regard when he began to commit heinous and ugly crimes, thus forever immersing his life into ugliness and darkness. His own vanity, one of the disturbing aspects of human nature, brought on his downfall, forever putting an irrevocable distance between his corrupted ugly soul and everything that known as beauty
Human beings fail to uphold their idealistic promises and commitments when they allow the negative aspects of human nature to influence their judgment and resolve.</p>

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<p>Hi–I don’t know if you answered the prompt> That seems key. The question apparently was a nature vs. experience issue (is the tendency to say 1 thing/do another innate or taught by exper.?). You said people don’t fulfill promises, but didn’t seem to answer the question as to whether this failing was innate or learned.</p>

<p>That would seem important.</p>

<p>I tell my son, when doing an essay, to make extra sure he reads/answers the prompt. Also–spend a few minutes outlining. It’s really helpful. I’ve worked as a writer & known many writers—the quality is always better if you outline first.</p>

<p>Also—to be on the safe side, I’d make doubly sure that your vocabulary in the first sentence/paragraph is used correctly, so that it doesn’t predispose your reader to view your essay negatively. For example, I believe you mean “tenaciously,” rather then “tenuously” (opposite meaning) and “continually” would be likely more appropriate than “continuously” (sounds slightly off that way).</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>Thanks Jolynne. I have been having this problem in addressing the prompt correctly, I am not sure why.
Your advice is very helpful. I appreciate it.</p>

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<p>Maybe you could try answering the question – first – in one sentence–before thinking about all the complicated support for it. (Eg. “The common tendency to say one thing & do another is built into our nature – we’re all born with a need for ‘peace at any price’ in the short term”). Maybe forcing yourself to answer it right away (instead of thinking of topic sentences, catchy introductions, or whatever) will keep you on the prompt-response-task?</p>

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<p>4/6. :)</p>

<p>Good job!</p>