Ever heard of "Choreplay"?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I was just watching the news and the discussion was on improving couples’ sex lives in the New Year.</p>

<p>One of the people talked about “Choreplay”. Choreplay is when spouses (mostly husbands) do more around the house so that their wives aren’t so tired from doing most/all of home responsibilies. The theory is that wives are more interested in having sex more often if their spouses help out more. Many wives complain that they’re still running around the house doing chores until late at night while their spouses are relaxing in the evenings.</p>

<p>Has anyone else heard of this term?</p>

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<p>I haven’t heard the term, but I read a very funny essay a while ago (can’t find it now) about a man and a woman sitting in the living room near bedtime. The man put down his book, stretched, and said “I am going to bed”. He got up, when upstairs, brushed his teeth, and went to bed. The woman said, “Me, too”. She got up and washed the bedtime snack dishes, packed lunches for the next day, let the dog out, folded the last load of laundry, made sure the kids’ forms were signed for the field trip the next day and in their backpacks, took out the garbage, turned out the lights, and went up stairs to bed. Not exactly like that… but you get the drift.</p>

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<p>^^^</p>

<p>And…a similar thing happens in the morning…the guy wakes up, takes his shower, and off he goes to work…maybe he’ll drop a kid or two off at school. The woman wakes up, showers/dresses, makes sure the kids are up, dressed, fed, etc, feeds the pets, maybe does a load of laundry and/or gets dinner in a crockpot going, and then off she goes to work. </p>

<p>many women are really working 2 full time jobs…no wonder some are too tired too often.</p>

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<p>LOL–SOOOO true! (Haven’t heard the term, but have suggested this to H. He disagrees, unfortunately.)</p>

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<p>I love the term! Maybe if former H had done some, we’d still be together LOL</p>

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<p>Never heard the word, but the concept is such a no-brainer that I’m surprised every dh doesn’t have dish-pan hands. ;)</p>

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<p>I’ve always said,“there is nothing sexier than a man doing dishes.” I’ve told this to my H many times over the years.
Needless to say, he does a lot of dishes.lol</p>

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<p>I almost always sneak up behind my DH when he’s doing dishes to give him a big hug. Funny how often he does the dishes! </p>

<p>If women are doing too much, then they need to lower their standards. Men will clean, cook, etc., but only if nobody is swooping in like Superwoman to take care of it all. They aren’t going to trespass on what you’ve marked out as your territory – not a guy thing – but if you cede that territory (and don’t try to teach him your way) then he’ll take it. It may never been done the way you wouldn’t do it, but who cares? You’re not doing it. Ask for help then leave him alone.</p>

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<p>^^^ So true. My therapist friend calls it overfunctioning and underfunctioning. If we wives overfunction, why shouldn’t our dh underfunction?</p>

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<p>I would argue that the other way around would be 10x more effective.</p>

<p>Try initiating sex with your husband 3 nights in a row, and then ask him to do something around the house. IMO that will work far more effectively than dropping hints about being “too tired” because he’s not doing enough.</p>

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<p>Sorry, I don’t buy “women need to lower their standards”. Sounds like a pathetic excuse to blame the person who is doing the most work. I know a lot of women who work two full time jobs and they are not perfectionists or overly picky, they are simply doing what needs to be done.</p>

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<p>Periodically, I go on strike. While on strike, I take care only of myself. I don’t ask anyone else to do anything, I just don’t do what I usually do. It usually takes only a few days before the rest of the family catches on and starts doing more. I find they will do what I ask… I just get tired of asking. </p>

<p>(DH always does the dishes and cleans up if I cook. He also makes the bed most mornings.)</p>

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<p>You know, if your teens also post on CC, they’re going to find this thread gross beyond telling.</p>

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<p>Sorry, I don’t buy “women need to lower their standards”. Sounds like a pathetic excuse to blame the person who is doing the most work</p>

<p>I completely agree. When H and I were first married, he’d claim that my standards were “too high” as a reason not to do many chores…“Who cares if the fridge needs to be cleaned out?” Who cares if the vacuuming doesn’t get done? Who cares if the floors are dirty? etc, etc…“Your standards are too high.” That was his mantra whenever I’d ask him to help around the house.</p>

<p>Well…after listening to this BS for awhile, I did go on strike…and OMG…my H did NOT like how the house got. But, he still wouldn’t do chores…he moved onto other excuses. So, it was all a red herring. Just a BS excuse not to do a fair share.</p>

<p>*I know a lot of women who work two full time jobs and they are not perfectionists or overly picky, they are simply doing what needs to be done. *</p>

<p>Exactly!!! The majority of women are not “clean freaks”. Most of us just have a normal standard of clean…wash bedding weekly, clean bathrooms/kitchens regularly, major vac done weekly…and touchups when needed, etc. Nothing extreme…nothing freaky.</p>

<p>(And how many spouses do a lousy job cleaning just so that their wives won’t expect them to do them again???)</p>

<p>I’ve never been able to hug my H while he’s doing the dishes because he’s never washed dishes…not even after my C-sections.</p>

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<p>

I never bought this, either. I just can’t see where it takes 40+ hours per week to run a home:</p>

<ul>
<li><p>cleaning: I have a service, they come in every two weeks, it takes them less than 4 person-hours to clean the kitchen, clean all the bathrooms, vacuum/mop the rugs/floors, and dust. I’ve watched them work, it’s not like they are killing themselves either. I’ll be generous and call it 2 hours per week.</p></li>
<li><p>laundry: we typically have 6 loads/week (I know, because most of the time I do it). It takes 10 minutes to sort, about 1 minute each to load the washer and dryer, less than 10 minutes on average to hang/fold each load. Once your kids are over 5, they can bring down and put away their own clothes, if you are still doing that for your kids, shame on you. Total actual work time (and this is by far the physically easiest job in the house): 1 hour per week.</p></li>
<li><p>shopping: one 2-hour trip per week. Maybe one extra hour during the week for extras.</p></li>
<li><p>cooking/dishes: we rarely if ever cook meals that are more complicated than needing 30 minutes of time. And we do take-out several times a week because we both work full time and neither particularly likes to cook. Dishes take 10-15 minutes to wash/load the dishwasher. Kids have been unloading the dishwasher as one of their chores since they were old enough to reach the cabinets. Max time: 4 hours per week.</p></li>
</ul>

<p>Garbage: we fill maybe one bag a week these days, every other Saturday or so when we go to the town dump we’ll clean the old leftovers out of the fridge. The kids take the recyclables down to the garage. Total time: way less than 1 hour per week.</p>

<p>I’m up to, what, 10 hours per week? </p>

<p>What is happening for the other 30 hours every week?</p>

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<p>^^^^</p>

<p>You’re neglecting child responsibilities…most moms do the majority of child related chores.</p>

<p>With young children, taking care of THEM takes more than 40 hours a week. Once kids are in school, their needs are different, but often involve driving them to and from places and overseeing homework and such…and still taking care of them.</p>

<p>Your cleaning estimates are way off. My cleaning lady spends all day in our home (9 hours)…every other week…but…I have to make sure everything is picked up before she comes…AND…I have to do the daily cleaning in between…and the more major cleaning during the “off week”.</p>

<p>Are you saying that your cleaning service gets your whole house clean in one hour with 2 people working? If not, then how are you getting the estimate of 2 hours time?</p>

<p>How many cleaning people come to your home and how long are they there? You need to add that time to however much time you have to spend cleaning in between.</p>

<p>And, when we entertain…all the work is on me.<br>
The planning, the prep, the serving, the cleanup.</p>

<p>I agree that once the child responsibilities are done, there isn’t 40 hours of work to do…which is why many women return to work at that point.</p>

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<p>^^^ Good question. </p>

<p>I never can figure out why my SIL spends every Saturday cleaning her house stem to stern, even after her children were old enough to help, even though her husband is very useful around the place, etc. If they help her, she goes back and re-does it because ‘it’s not right’. And that doesn’t include all the day-to-day stuff. The house won’t fall down if the curtains aren’t vacuumed every week! And if the tv gets too dusty I’m sure somebody will wipe it off eventually. </p>

<p>I think it’s a control issue. She can’t control her job, her commute, her fate, etc., but, by God, she can make sure her floor is spotless.</p>

<p>And for those who complain about their husbands not doing enough…sit him down and watch Hoarders with him. I hear it has an almost magical effect.</p>

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<p>I should add…</p>

<p>The time it takes to clean a house will vary based on size. There’s no way my house could get thorougly cleaned (housekeeper-style) in 2 hours. It takes over an hour just to vacuum.</p>

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<p>

Not for my house. I’ve been home enough times when they are there. Maybe your house is a lot bigger, mine is around 2400 square feet with 2.5 baths and a large kitchen. 9 hours seems extreme to me.</p>

<p>

It’s two people for less than two hours every 2 weeks. This averages out to less than two hours per week.</p>

<p>We don’t really clean in-between when the cleaning ladies come, other than wiping down the kitchen counter. We might sweep the kitchen floor if it gets really bad. There is no daily cleaning to speak of - we’ve found that what the cleaning ladies do every two weeks is good enough for us. Perhaps you have much higher standards or a much lower tolerance than we have.</p>

<p>We de-clutter the night before they come. Takes maybe 15 minutes.</p>

<p>

Well, if they are not employed, then you can’t claim to be working two full time jobs.</p>

<p>My W and I used to fight about this when our kids were younger. So for a period of about 3 months I created a list, with times down to the minute as best I could, of how long we each spent doing stuff around the house. Then, during one of our arguments about how I don’t do enough and I’m not carrying my share and everything falls on her to do, I pulled out my list. And surprise - it turned our cumulative times were within 10% or so of each other.</p>

<p>Her response was essentially “I don’t care what the facts show, this is how I feel”. Tough to argue with that. :rolleyes:</p>

<p>Then we smartened up and got a cleaning lady. She’s cheaper than marriage counseling. :)</p>

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<p>My grandfather was an efficiency expert. I grew up with my mother constantly working out the most efficient way to clean a house. It’s a game I’ve learned to play. I spend 15 minutes a day cleaning the house, whether I like it or not. If you do it every day, it’s a lot less work. I rotate the jobs and I always quit after 15 minutes.</p>

<p>The easiest way to keep a house clean is to stop dirt at the doors. Mats make a HUGE difference. Mats that can be hosed off outside make a really HUGE difference. Shoes don’t come past the mats. Dogs sit on the mats until their feet are clean. (I also trim the hair on the dogs’ feet to keep the tracking to a minimum.)</p>

<p>Bathroom: I clean my bathroom every day while I’m waiting for the water in the shower to heat up and after I get out of the shower. In that time, I wipe the floor and the toilet, spray the shower with cleaner, and clean the sink. It never gets awful, so it’s never too hard to clean. (DH cleans his bathroom.)</p>

<p>Bedroom: Change the sheets every week or so. Make bed daily (husband does that). Vacuum every few days.</p>

<p>DH’s office: His job. My job is to close the door.</p>

<p>My office: It’s also where the dogs and I hang out all day. So I wash the floor every few days. Other than that, I straighten it up when DH arrives home at the end of the day and I go to make dinner.</p>

<p>Living room: vacuumed once a week, whether it needs it or not.</p>

<p>TV room: vacuumed once a week. Every few months I take the couch apart to get the popcorn bits out.</p>

<p>Kitchen: I vacuum or damp mop the kitchen surfaces and the floor every day. That takes about 5 minutes. I wipe out the sink and empty the dishwasher while the morning oatmeal is microwaving. DH loads and runs off the dishwasher at the end of the day. He also cleans up when I’m done making dinner. About once a month I take apart the stove and clean it thoroughly. The rest of the time I wipe it down with a damp towel.</p>

<p>I also was taught to clean up as I go along while I’m cooking. Dishes and prep tools go into the sink to soak as soon as possible. I keep a damp towel ready to use to wipe things up.</p>

<p>Laundry: a load a day. Five minutes to sort and fold. I don’t sit and watch it run so I don’t care about that.</p>