<p>I think the hardest part of parenting is that someone has to be the “responsible person” (or “RP”, as we say around here). The RP is the one who plans the meals and figures out when they are so that everyone gets to school, practice, work, etc., on time–even if s/he doesn’t do the shopping. The RP makes the doctors appointments.–even if s/he doesn’t do the driving. And so on. Being responsible is tiring. If you’re the RP and you go out for a few hours, you may get a call: “where are the bandaids?” And you know, because you’re the RP.</p>
<p>When the kids were little, my idea of a day off was to make my husband be the RP. He couldn’t ask me what the kids would eat for lunch; he had to work it out himself, as just one example. So I’m absolutely with EK4 on this one. Parenting is not just about being there; it’s also about anticipating and planning.</p>
<p>For the record, I am acknowledging the drain this is as well. But I am also acknowledging the slippery slope between planning and controlling. Between anticipating and un-helpful ( not a word, I know) worry and anxiety. </p>
<p>This is too much like work. Guess that’s what I don’t like about the “cafe”.</p>
<p>But I am also acknowledging the slippery slope between planning and controlling.
True- however when you see someone abdicating most if not all decisions to someone else, who actually has the control in that dynamic?</p>
<p>I agree with emeraldkitty with regards to parenting (and family) responsibilities being divided more based on personality rather than gender roles, at least in our household.</p>
<p>My husband is extremely introverted, so I end up doing things that involve interacting with other parents or contractors, or whatever. I am the more organizationally driven person, so I organize the appointments and schedules. I pay the bills and the taxes.</p>
<p>My husband is the more patient parent, so he is much better with homework or help with projects. He plays with them much more. I am more the making sure everything is done parent.</p>
<p>Since he is more in tune with what they enjoy, he generally organizes family outings and vacations.</p>
<p>He is patient and thorough in researching options when we make a large purchase, so I rely on him for that. He likes to cook, he likes to be more in control of the menu, so that’s his responsibility. As a result he does the majority of the food shopping. And ended up doing most of the laundry as well.</p>
<p>Housecleaning I probably do a little more of, but we are not clean freaks, I don’t have the time and it is not worth it to me to make it into a battle. He mows the lawn, clears the snow, and takes care of the pool. Any other landscaping or house type maintenance either I do or I contract out. If there is something I really need help with, if I ask, he’ll help, since I don’t bug him all the time to do things.</p>
<p>Today - I honestly don’t know. In our minds you can’t really separate out the jobs from the equation either. My W is now self-employed, and never works the same hours from day to day. Plus, she has almost complete flexibility of when she works, so she takes care of most of the after-school stuff. A lot of times she is working during dinner hours or later, and I take care of stuff. It’s complicated by the fact that there are certain things that are actually enjoyable, and can’t really be put in the “chore” category at all. Example - I like helping with my kids’ homework. It’s fun relearning my high school math and physics and whatever.</p>
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Have honestly not found this to be the case at all. I count my blessings that both my kids are pretty stable and even-keeled and haven’t gotten into trouble, we’ve really had very little teen drama. There has been some, of course, but it is not on a daily basis.</p>
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College search, college visits, managing the application process, dealing with the financial aid stuff, was mostly handled by me (DW helped with editing the essays, she is a much better writer than I am). I actually enjoyed the whole process (well, not filling out the Profile, I don’t think anyone likes that), and am gearing up for kid #2. Do I get “credit” for that if it was fun?</p>
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This is an interesting way of looking at it. Over the years my W has been in this role more than I have. She is more organized than I am, which helps, plus I think in general moms want this role (not 100% of the time of course).</p>
<p>As far as RP, I think most moms don’t “want” the role as the the RP. But rather by default this role has been left to them because, like you and so many others feel that we WANT this role. Someone has to do it and we do not like to drop the ball. I always, gladly was grateful when my H pitched in with some of these responsibilities, which brings me back to the OP’s question…Its a a lot of pressure and responsibility to carry the weight of the family, it’s also not sexy. Not exactly stuff to put one in the mood.</p>
<p>As far as RP, I think most moms don’t “want” the role as the the RP. But rather by default this role has been left to them because, like you and so many others feel that we WANT this role. Someone has to do it and we do not like to drop the ball.</p>
<p>this is very, very true. It’s not that we “want” this role, it’s that we know if we don’t do this role, there will be some pretty uncomfortable repercussions. My H readily admits that if I didn’t oversee a bunch of stuff, we’d find ourselves in deep “do do” on a lot of issues. He tends to let things slide or doesn’t even think about certain issues (even when he was single he did this…so it’s not because he now has a wife to do these things). </p>
<p>Part of it is genetics or something. My H comes from a family that has very limited foresight and planning capability. Seriously. When my BIL and his fiancee got engaged, his fiancee wanted to go to this very popular honeymoon hotel in the Poconos. BIL agreed and the fiancee assumed that he would take care of the details…because paying for the honeymoon was his responsibility… After the wedding, they drove (quite a long distance!) to the hotel only to find out that it was completely booked (of course, it’s popular). BIL had never thought to call ahead months earlier to make any kind of reservations. They had no place to stay …the entire Poconos was booked. They had to drive out of the area in the middle of the night! My SIL has never forgotten this. She had been so busy that last year with the wedding and finishing her last year of law school that it never dawned on her to ask if he had made reservations. She just assumed that he would be smart enough to know that (he has a PhD ). </p>
<p>To this day, my BIL, my H, and the rest in that family cannot get themselves to be good planners…it’s just not in their genes. Some have married spouses with the “planning and foresight gene”, but two siblings have not and it’s been pretty disastrous in some cases (in one case, one couple didn’t think to get their marriage license before the wedding. When the priest asked for it at the rehearsal, the couple just looked at each other in shock. ). And, these are all educated people who went to highly ranked universities!</p>
<p>Anyway…those of us who have to take on the role of being the “responsible person” don’t ask for this job…it’s just a situation of “sink or swim.”</p>
<p>*this is very, very true. It’s not that we “want” this role, it’s that we know if we don’t do this role, there will be some pretty uncomfortable repercussions. My H readily admits that if I didn’t oversee a bunch of stuff, we’d find ourselves in deep “do do” on a lot of issues. He tends to let things slide or doesn’t even think about certain issues (even when he was single he did this…so it’s not because he now has a wife to do these things). *</p>
<p>The role falls to whomever cares about it the most.
It doesn’t matter if you are good at it, or if you want to do it, but when you can’t stand to watch your roof fall in, your kids to struggle in school , you do what you can.</p>
<p>My husbands family doesn’t plan- hard to with alcohol abuse being a huge part of the deal. You can’t predict what will happen by the weekend, let alone in 5 years- easier not to worry about it.</p>
<p>I would love to be the one that is thought of as the " fun" parent. Hard to be thought of as the “_itch”.
( & believe me, my standards are pretty low- I am not a control freak, I just don’t like to be lied to & I expect if someone doesn’t know how, or what is needed, then they should find out)</p>
<p>My observation about this is that perception and reality can be quite far off when it comes to who does what chores, and how often. I have found that two people can both honestly think that they “always” do a particular chore, and that the other person never (or almost never) does it. And this is why I don’t think the suggestion in the first post will work–I don’t think the H can do enough chores to make the wife believe that he is doing even his own share, much less more than his share. And he is not going to get a “reward” for doing what she thinks he should have been doing all along.</p>
<p>Wait… you mean if I wash the dishes I get more sex??? Does my wife know this? Is this a secret rule that all women know? Someone should have shared this sooner.</p>
<p>Okay, just going to inject a dose of reality here. If my ex HAD done more of the evening chores, I probably would have just face planted and fallen asleep an hour or two earlier than I usually did. At least for several days until I caught up on my sleep. Because working full time and being the “RP” was exhausting. Then the tactic might have worked just fine once I’d gotten some more sleep But most Hs would not have the patience to let their W catch up on sleep for a few days in order to get the benefit of this approach, and would quit, saying it was not doing any good.</p>
But most Hs would not have the patience to let their W catch up on sleep for a few days in order to get the benefit of this approach, and would quit, saying it was not doing any good.</p>