<p>Prompted by the thread on the ex-husband’s funeral thread, I wanted to ask how people have handled attending funerals for ex-mils and ex-fils. I have a reasonable relationship with my ex-H, since we still interact regularly regarding our children. And my relationship with his parents is quite civil. But this may only be because they want to have access to their grandchildren… which I have tried to be generous with. I’ve made sure the kids spend time with them even when it is not “his” time, sent photos of the kids from school formal dances, etc. Ex-fil has terminal cancer, so this is not just a theoretical issue. I suspect that behind my back there is a fair amount of sniping going on among my ex’s family about me, but on the surface things are pretty calm.</p>
<p>However, ex-H has a sibling who absolutely hates me since the divorce (actually, she hated me before it, come to think of it…). She routinely tells my kids I am an unfit parent, etc. I am worried that SHE will make a scene at my in-laws funerals if I attend. But I want to be there to support my kids, who love their grandparents. I am sure the evil sibling will NOT want me to sit with their family. Anybody have any ideas or tips on how to handle this? By the way, asking ex-H to intervene and talk with the evil sib likely will not work - - he avoids conflict with her completely - - he is afraid of her, I think :)</p>
<p>Why not ask your ex-H what his opinion is? We have some serious conflicts in our family, but in the case of two recent deaths, all of that was put aside and the overriding priority was to show respect for the dead. You could also see what your kids think. If they want your support, that’s pretty much all anyone needs to know. </p>
<p>However, if my husband’s brother were to appear at a family funeral, there would be bloodshed, no question about it. sometimes it’s important to know that and plan accordingly. My husband’s BIL has plans to make sure the brother would be escorted out if need be.</p>
<p>My opinion is that the funeral is for the survivors. If my presence would not help the survivors in some way, I would not go. Similarly, if my absence would hurt, I would try to be there. It is not about me.</p>
<p>If there are groups of people who cannot get along, perhaps arrangements could be made to attend visitation separately. It is easier to stay out of the way at a visitation - sign the guest book, pay your respects, and leave. </p>
<p>When my father died, his brother’s first wife attended visitation with her daughter. It was nice to see her again, since I hadn’t seen her since childhood. My uncle was there with his current (5th) wife. I think the 5th wife had a problem with it, but we as immediate family really appreciated the 1st wife’s presence.</p>
<p>On the other hand, my sister’s ex simply sent flowers. He probably would not have been well received had he attended, but I thought the gesture of remembrance was nice. His parents also sent flowers.</p>
<p>How old are your children? If you attend, will you need to sit with them, or could you quietly sit in the back, far away from your ex-SIL? </p>
<p>Will there be 10 people are the funeral, or 100? (Impossible to say with precision, of course.) If the former, maybe you won’t go. If the latter, sure – why not? You’ll be able to avoid her.</p>
<p>It sounds like your children’s father will be there? Let him take them. With family and friends around them they will be fine, they will need more support when the crowds have gone home, and they are alone. That’s where your support will be paramount.</p>
<p>If your presence will upset a woman at her father’s funeral, you should stay away. She needs as much comfort as she can get. And if she see you and does throw a fit I’m afraid any support you were there to give your children will be lost, as they would probably be horrified. I know it’s not your fault, but the graceful thing to do is to respect the wishes of the immediate family.</p>
<p>Do send your condolences to your exMIL, I’m sure she’ll appreciate it.</p>
<p>My kids are teenagers. One thing to consider about their dad taking them is that he likely will be a pallbearer. He was also one at my brother’s funeral, and they sat separately from the family. So he likely would not be sitting with my kids. And… this SIL is the last person they would want to sit with… Likely a fairly large funeral, at least 100 people.</p>
<p>Agreed, I will ask the kids & ex-H his opinion. But I figure I can’t win. The evil sib could make a scene if I go, and will accuse me of being insensitive/uncaring/etc. if I don’t go. And there will likely be a conflict between what immediate family members want - - my kids will want me there, the sil will not. Ex H will not care either way, he just will not want conflict with SIL :)</p>
<p>Since your kids are teenagers, are any of them boys who are old enough to be pallbearers too?</p>
<p>Also, where do the pallbearers sit for funerals in this family? I was recently at a funeral where the pallbearers sat with their immediate family members during the service, and then slipped out of the pews at the end of the service before the rest of us stood up to leave. Perhaps your kids could sit with their father until the last minute, and could ride out to the cemetery (if that’s part of the whole program of events) with another family member or friend who is not the Evil SIL. If at least one of the kids has a driving license, could that kid drive his/her siblings to the cemetery and then have dad drive back with them?</p>