<p>Like JHS, we’re pretty much aligned with Blucroo. </p>
<p>Our son has just graduated h.s. but has spent the last 6 summers watching the older two sibs every summer. This gives him powerful points to make, every time he wants anything. Fortunately, when they gather or chat inline (I know they do) before he approaches us with any new point to stretch us, the older sibs are the first to shoot him down, since they don’t want him to have any more privileges than they had. The older 2 complain to us that he’s spoiled b/c he can do things they couldn’t, but they are just shocked he’d even ask for stuff they never dreamed of at his age. When we tell them we kept to the same structure, they are greatly relieved. Maybe he’s bragging that he’s getting away with stuff behind our backs, but these are things that keep siblings close! We knew since an early age that this youngest would push the envelope furthest and have always kept the closest eye of all on him. They all have their quirks, too: eldest is very conservative about family and social mores, but sloppy at times; the middle is absent-minded about possessions but scrupulous about everyone’s feelings; the youngest is light-as-a-breeze about life. None of them pick up bathroom towels in their shared bathroom, but they also don’t argue with each other about it, which suits me fine. </p>
<p>This is a special summer and you can identify it as such.</p>
<p>For h.s. son, we’ve lightened up on some rules but have to hold carefully to everything related to friends over, since his g.f. is a h.s. junior with stern/suspicious parents, so we don’t want any problems for her or from them. He skipped 11th grade so has both jr. and sr. friends. Two of his senior male college-bound friends have considerable leisure and call at midnight, ready to pick him up and cruise around. His limited license disallows driving after 9 p.m. The other 2 boys drive well and there’s old relationships here, so I find them trustworthy and don’t object. I’d feel entirely differently about new friends but I notice he’s not into making new friends, just wants to get to college now and enjoy being with tried-and-trusty friends this summer. The girls like to gather in groups and watch movies; he goes there or they all come here. </p>
<p>Here’s what we require: </p>
<ol>
<li><p>Communication of whereabouts. It’s not a matter of curfew, but knowing where he is in case of emergency. We point out that it’s what Dad and Mom do for each other; we don’t go anywhere without the other knowing where we are. Put like that, it’s expressed as adult behavior, not a baby curfew. </p></li>
<li><p>Pickup in the common rooms.</p></li>
<li><p>Family grocery shopping (major and minor) with a list – all 3 love this responsibility, and I let them add a treat without fussing if it was frivolous.</p></li>
<li><p>Own laundry. If someone else’s is blocking the way, fold it for them or carry it in baskets to their rooms.</p></li>
<li><p>Synagogue attendance: h.s. senior: every other week with us; g.f. (not Jewish) can come along which she enjoys and her parents permit. college kids: no requirement, but they end up going voluntarily around once in 3 weeks. All: required presence at Sabbath meal, non-negotiatiable; friends always welcome. </p></li>
<li><p>Weekday dinners, just let us know what to expect an hour before meal so I can stretch meals to include friends. (I feel anything to encourage friends under our roof is a good thing; even if it costs me, I’ll benefit in bigger ways.) </p></li>
<li><p>Our deal is: whoever cooks never cleans up. So usually I cook but this gives me all the leverage I need to direct cleanup following. I do leftover put-aways if they’re tricky; otherwise I walk away from the table. Knowing this gives me more energy to cook happily. Friends at dinner are astonished at first, but they soon get with the program. H used to cook but he hardly does anymore, preferring cleanup and my cooking. When college sibs are home, they try to game this old rule, with one helping me chop salad, then declaring, “I cooked, so I don’t have to clean,” and the others disagree. It never ends. </p></li>
<li><p>Visiting friends: very tricky. In college, their college friends from around the nation came to visit, which I love. They always did whatever was asked of them re: kitchenwork, but sleeping arrangements were of issue. I especially never wanted the youngest to use this as leverage to say he could have his h.s. girlfriend in his room with a closed door in the daytime, etc. So I required everyone, including my own kids, to have no coed sleeping at home regardless of what they (or friends) do on campus. It’s my/their home but there’s a “sense of the house” to respect. S objected on behalf of one visiting college g.f. so I handed him a tent for the backyard if they didn’t like 2 separate bedrooms; they broke up weeks later. Another visiting college b.f. didn’t object but said his Mom warned him not to stay together here because she assumed “a sense of the house.” He’s a keeper after 3 years…</p></li>
<li><p>Right now the big thing is making sure h.s. son keeps his door wide open when g.f. visits, since they spend half their time there. We also are very careful to remind his jr. year friends to call home, etc. b/c they all have curfews. It’s easy to get blithe about requirements as college approaches; must keep in mind some could be younger friends still in complete h.s. mode at home.</p></li>
<li><p>No substances. None.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>9, Summer job. Over the years, they’ve all found work. Two summers, we were in transition with a major family move and a hospitalization that involved months. So,
for those summers, we defined “job” as helping the family very completely, every meal and to the last chore, which was worth more to us than teen wages. These weren’t normal chores and they felt part of something very large and important, dignified.</p>