<p>Since we are negotiating this at our house, I’d like to know, for the record, what you all expect from your returned home freshman -now going on sophomore.</p>
<p>Keeping room neat? Helping with any household chores? own laundry? hours that overlap to some extent with those of the non-nocturnal family members? Anything else?</p>
<p>I think they should have relative freedom about their hours and activities, but I do expect them to be home when they say they will, to let you know when they’ll be home for dinner, to do their own laundry, and not to engage in illegal activiies like underage drinking in the house.</p>
<p>Ours is in Peru in a language immersion program until July 8th, so we haven’t had to deal with this issue much. However, he had two weeks at home before he left and will have a month or so upon return (although he may spend little of that at home–talking about doing a part of the Appalachian Trail). When he is home, however, he will be responsible for his own laundry, getting his room picked up once every two weeks so the cleaning ladies can get in there, and not leaving any personal stuff anywhere around the house except in his room. Dishes must go in the dishwasher. Other than that, no rules. </p>
<p>We don’t eat together as a family anyway. The 16 year old works until 7:30 most nights as a life guard and eats about 8:00. H is at yoga or master swim from 7:00 to 8:30 and eats about 9:00. I like to eat at 6:00, so everybody is on their own for dinner. We all have different tastes and everybody is a good cook, so that works out fine. Neither S1 or S2 expects us to prepare their meals except on special occasions. </p>
<p>As for telling us when he will be getting home, S1 is a night owl. We don’t ask him to tell us when he plans to get in or where he is going unless he doesn’t plan to be home by the time we get up in the morning. If we need him for anything, we can call him. He always answers his cell phone and is happy to chat even if it is 4:00 in the morning. </p>
<p>He may not have anybody at the house when we are not home. That rule also applies to S2. We have inquisitive neighbors on all sides and believe both boys follow that restriction. I am always at home in the evenings, so the only issue would be in the afternoon.</p>
<p>I expect my kid to have a full-time job (save $ for school), help around the house with random chores when asked (I don’t ask him too often because younger sibs do most of the chores). He also needs to appear for dinner and evening prayers when called and attend church with the family. So far not too many disagreements. </p>
<p>(I do his laundry–I prefer to do all the household laundry together).</p>
<p>I also like doing the laundry and since I don’t work I feel I have no reason not to; but I expect the kids to put their clothes in the hamper, not on their floor. When I fold laundry and put in in there rooms, I want it put away that day not moved to the floor where it sits for days!!</p>
<p>We have no curfew for the kids, but if they are not going to be home by 1:00 I expect a phone call. The same if they decide to spend the night out, I expect a phone call. </p>
<p>As far as dinner, I would like to know by mid afternoon how many will be at the table. My kids love to go out with their friends for dinner so I never know who will be home on any given night. I hate to cook for 4 to find out there will only be 2! My husband tends to work late at night and sometimes he grabs a bite earlier in the evening. If no one is going to come home for dinner I would rather not cook.</p>
<p>
This is pretty much the same at my house, minus prayer and Church. </p>
<p>We need to work full time, help out around the house when asked or needed, call about when and where we’re going out, be home at a reasonable hour (which isn’t difficult since my area closes down pretty early), relax and spend time with the family occassionally, not participate in any illegal activities (such as underage drinking), and overall not destroy the house. My mother prefers to do all laundry together so that we don’t waste water.</p>
<p>We are extremely strict about everybody being home and stopping all noise by 10:00 on weeknights because H has to get up very early for work, and there is no way to enter our house without waking him up. It was a big deal to extend the curfew to 10:10 for D, whose boss wants her to work until 10:00 some nights (she works at a store ten minutes from home that closes at 9, but the employees clean up and set up for the next day for an hour after that). It required much discussion and negotiation before the decision was made that she would be allowed to come home 10 minutes late rather than being forced to quit her job.</p>
<p>On the other hand, my kids can have anyone they want come over during the daytime, whether I’m here or not. I’ve allowed that since 8th grade for my son and since 5th grade for my (much more responsible) daughter. </p>
<p>Different strokes for different folks.</p>
<p>No curfew at our house, but they do have to come in and kiss me even if I’m asleep. I like to have some idea of how far they are going, and be kept in the loop if plans change drastically.</p>
<p>They can have friends over whenever they want. No alcohol allowed. Friends come over and decide to cook, that’s cool. Or eat my food.</p>
<p>Without my requiring it, both work fulltime. I request household help ocassionally, but am flexible. I like them to help prepare a meal sometimes, just so they can learn to cook. We eat dinner together several times a week, and everyone seems to enjoy that time.</p>
<p>Laundry, meh.</p>
<p>Contain your mess within your bedroom.</p>
<p>No car accidents, don’t destroy the house, when they can’t unlock the front door at 4am because they are drunk they can’t wake me, only argue with 75% of what I say, don’t eat a week’s worth of food in one day, no beer pong parties after I fall asleep, no friends calling on the house phone at 3am.</p>
<ol>
<li> Let me know, in the morning, if you will be eating dinner at home or not or give me 1/2 day notice if you are bringing friends home for dinner. If plans change, give me as much notice as possible. I hate to waste food.<br></li>
<li> If you are going to be out late or stay with a friend, call as a courtesy. Lock the door and turn off the porch light when you come in.</li>
<li> Respect the rest of the family; we live here year round; Brother is still in school, so if he needs study time quiet, so be it.<br></li>
<li> Pay for your own gas;</li>
<li> Close the door to your room (I don’t want to look at the mess)</li>
<li> Keep the bathroom presentable;</li>
<li> Do your own laundry. If you want me to do it when I am doing the rest of the laundry, I am happy to do so. Just bring it out to the laundry room.</li>
<li> Get a job.</li>
</ol>
<p>So far, so good! It has been 2 weeks and I am thrilled at the maturity and change in D. Only glitch, she has a 9 -5 job and also teaches private voice lessons at the house on Sunday and one evening a week. She “forgets” to tell me her student schedule and sometimes it is a bit inconvenient for the rest of us.</p>
<p>friends, work, golf, sleep.</p>
<p>works for me. demands of academics and athletics during the school year have been handled well, and i have no real expectations. it’s a short summer at home as my son has to report early for camp, so i want to let him enjoy it. that doesn’t mean he won’t help out when needed or that he won’t spend time with his family. relax and enjoy the time we have together, that’s my philosophy.</p>
<p>Keeping room neat? Nope</p>
<p>Helping with any household chores? Very few, to be honest</p>
<p>Own laundry? Yes. Totally.</p>
<p>Hours that overlap to some extent with those of the non-nocturnal family members? You’re dreaming, right?</p>
<p>My son is the epitome of consideration when he’s home, but he’s just not around much. He’s working three jobs, seeing friends and has a local girlfriend. Since he does do his own laundry, we see him then, and I see him before work on weekdays for a half-hour or so.
We also see him on family event days, like older d’s graduation, family weddings, grandma’s birthdays, Father’s Day, etc.
If I sound like I’m whining, I’m not. He’s happy and productive. But our house seems like a stopping off place while he goes about his life.</p>
<p>This is great – I need to work on these expectations for my daughter for this summer. She’s a graduating HS senior, but I think many of these apply.</p>
<p>What about when their friends come to your house? Any rules about what time they need to leave by (if not sleeping over)? Any difference if the friends are of an opposite sex?</p>
<p>We know it if difficult coming back home. We want a general idea of where son is and when he will be home. Son had “real” job first two summers. This year he is being a musician. If he doesn’t have enough gigs to keep busy, he has to volunteer more at hospital or schools.</p>
<p>
Sounds wonderful, I bet it keeps your family close.</p>
<ol>
<li> To have a job (unless doing summer school; this summer he has an internship plus one online course part of the time).</li>
<li> To do his “normal” chores minus those that conflict with his full-time job- pretty much boils down to laundry (he has done his own laundry since early high school); set table when home for dinner.</li>
<li> Be a courteous adult member of the household (he is 20, will be a junior): let us know where he is going, when he expects to be home; let us know when he won’t be here for dinner.</li>
<li> To keep the car he has use of clean and taken care of.</li>
<li> To have some fun with his friends.</li>
<li> To participate in “important” family functions: when relatives/special family friends are visiting; Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, mom and dad’s birthdays (both fall during his vacation time).</li>
</ol>
<p>Keep non-nocturnal hours? No; I’m a pick-your-battles mom and that’s one I won’t pick. In fact, last summer, his nocturnal and my lark hours worked pretty well. We could actually “talk” around 5 am when I woke up and he was on his way to bed :eek:. </p>
<p>Keep room neat? Another no. A parenting expert advised me to give up on that long ago. I close the door. Rules are simply not to have it in a condition that invites varmints.</p>
<p>sly_vt: I don’t think these same expectations are the same as those for a graduating senior. The summer between hs and college is a really tough one. The kids are in limbo between their previous “rules” and, if moving away, total independence. They may seem cool on the outside, but most are internally in turmoil with emotions and uncertainty. My D was a totally unfamiliar creature during that summer, but now home from her first year away, she is pretty wonderful. I think you have to temper your expectations a lot during that limbo summer.</p>
<p>sly_vt
I would say that for a graduating HS senior, one could give more leeway. This is their last summer at home, with close friends, and life will never be the same way again. We have the same expectations of our graduating HS son as of our rising Junior 20-year-old D as far as chores, family time/meals, phonecalls etc. However the rules were different for him last summer.</p>
<p>As far as what time their friends have to leave our house, we have never had a rule, but I would say they tend to leave by midnight or stay over. But that’s just because my kids love to sleep.</p>
<p>Perhaps if there was a boyfriend/girlfriend situation we may have had different rules, but so far, girls & boys are welcome at all hours. Our kids have not disappointed us or made us regret our trust in their judgement.</p>
<p>Remember that your kid could bring a BF/GF home to visit & stay from college. Like Fall break, or Thanksgiving. That’s something to think about.</p>
<p>I like bluecroo’s list a lot.</p>
<p>I tried to keep expectations low when my daughter was home last summer. It avoided most conflicts, but it still didn’t make the summer great for her. I don’t expect any more summers at home (just as I never spent a summer at home after the pretty awful one following my freshman year in college). Since my son is completely devoted to a summer camp job he can keep indefinitely, I don’t think he will EVER spend more than a week or two at home during the summer (including this year).</p>
<p>Friends: I really loved it when she had friends over, because I got to see a part of her life. Yes, I might have felt differently if it had been a single (or multiple!) romantic relationship.</p>
<p>The toughest thing was whether to ask for her help on stuff that, were she not there, I would have had to solve myself in a less convenient way: walking the dog if I was going to be late, letting servicepeople in the house, etc. Negotiated on a case-by-case basis.</p>
<p>I know that there is a difference between the summer before freshman year and the summers when they are in college. But reading these expectations is helping me develop mine. </p>
<p>I am debating whether there should be a curfew. The friends-staying-late question is one I’m also struggling with. When it was just her close girlfriends I didn’t care as much. But in the last few weeks the friendship circle has expanded and kids I don’t know as well (girls and boys) are showing up. They were here until 3 a.m. the other night, and I’m trying to figure out if that’s OK. There was no alcohol or drugs; to be honest, I’d rather let them be at my house then someplace else.</p>
<p>I am apprehensive about how things will go this summer. Blucroo and chocoholic – are you suggesting that my rules should be looser for this summer than when they return from college? Or stricter?</p>