Extracurricular "Music" short answer help!

Applying to College Common and Coalition Application
1

<p>Opinions, changes to make to my short answer?
When you read it, what do you sense in me? What do I portray to you?
It is 998 characters! hahaha. :)</p>

<p>Inspired by the boy across the orchestra room, I vowed myself to be his stand partner within two years, thus began my journey with violin at 14. Playing catch-up, I spent almost all my free time practicing. My family, teachers, and classmates were disgusted and called me names such as, “monster, no life”, and then to my demise, the boy was one of them. My heart was broken and I had to re-evaluate myself, why was I playing music? It was for me, for my soul. To express what I cannot say in words. And to my surprise, I went far beyond my goal and was offered an opportunity of a lifetime. Leaving my home, I went to an arts boarding school. I was at the bottom once again, but I worked myself up to first stand in orchestra, first violin in chamber groups, participating in recitals and gigs. I was so happy. Music being the universal language of mankind, I learned so much from the people I played with. Creating masterpieces of sound, the occasional glances, smiles, laughs, it was worth it.</p>

2

<p>“Thus began” doesn’t make sense - the grammar doesn’t work. You could use a semicolon instead of a period before it, or change it to “thus beginning” or something similar.</p>

<p>I think you mean “dismay,” not “demise” - you weren’t saying you died, right? :P</p>

<p>“myself, why” and “laughs, it” are both comma splices. I’d suggest colons for both of them (to me, that feels right, but that’s sort of a stylistic choice. You might feel more comfortable with semicolons or something else. Just not commas). </p>

<p>“Universal language of mankind” sounds a little redundant to me. Maybe just “universal language” would work better.</p>

<p>Finally… “I was so happy” sounds kind of simple. I get that that can be a stylistic thing - it’s representing a simple emotion - but you might want to think about changing it.</p>