<p>I am putting fake names in this story as I am finding some of the above stories difficult to follow with all the various players.</p>
<p>Sharon’s MIL died recently, her BIL Joe died years ago. Sharon always knew MIL did not like her, but when they went through Joe’s effects they found letters saying things like “don’t let Sharon have my jewelry” etc. So they had proof of their feelings. When MIL died there was a clause that Sharon’s husband had to live something like 120 days before inheriting and if he died it would bypass Sharon and go to her kids with her oldest (and currently flakiest/spendiest, but a boy & oldest).</p>
<p>There were some great jokes during that 120 days! Sharon was very glad that 10-15 years before she had stopped making the several hour trip to visit MIL, as she felt unwanted and in the way, instead she sent her DH and MIL got what she wanted, alone time with her son. Sharon was very happy to not have spent years trying to be gracious and overly sweet to someone who obviously despised her. Removing the emotions from the situation made it better. I think she stopped going once Joe died and they read the old letters.</p>
<p>The giving of a special ring, be that college class ring, wedding ring, special watch, etc is so difficult. My Dad had one very special item that was just so representative of him and I specifically instructed my Mom to ask him before he died. Though he refused to talk about dying and was angry he was sick, so we had to discuss everything in the context of estate planning. He has several kids and 10+ grandkids. He gave the item to one of my kids, but none of us know why he chose her over any other grand kid. He had 2 other somewhat special items which he passed to certain people and that was it.</p>
<p>It was serious relief that Dad had been the one to make that choice and it had more meaning to the recipient, too. One of my siblings, the one we knew would be weird about that stuff, did ask very soon after he died where that item was going As executor, I was so glad not to have to decide.</p>
<p>Sounds very much like the new BF of an older college classmate’s sister who along with her went into their late mother’s house to find valuables. </p>
<p>In my book, boyfriends/girlfriends shouldn’t have a say in any matters regarding their SO’s family’s estate/financial/business matters. </p>
<p>Unless they are married or the family volunteers the information/asks for the bf/gf’s input, it’s none of their damned business.</p>
Even if they are married, it’s not really legally their business–the spouse of your child is not one of your heirs, unless you decide to leave him or her something in your will.</p>
<p>I would think it would be from a practical standpoint as it has an effect on the finances of the couple as a whole…especially if children are in the picture.</p>
<p>I hear you, cobrat. Actions like that of your classmate’s sister and her BF can cause permanent family rifts. I don’t think you ever forget that sort of breach.</p>
<p>Reminds me of Scrooge’s vision of his own death, when the vultures descend on his bedside, stealing his boots and his watch. Horrors!</p>
<p>So true. My MIL is (by my standards) wealthy. DH will inherit enough so that he can retire. But if DH doesn’t outlive his mother, I am out in the cold and my children will become wealthy which is nice for them but perhaps not the best thing in terms of learning how to work for your money.</p>
<p>Knowing that even after 35 years of marriage, you don’t really count as family is a cold, hard fact. </p>
<p>Even the law treats you as ‘out’. In my community property state, an inheritance does not become community property unless it is co-mingled with other property, ie. if you use it to pay off the mortgage.</p>
<p>PG, that’s a tough one. My inclination would be to say that the child’s injury settlement should be held separately as his siblings didn’t share in the injury or recovery.</p>
<p>He told me about it because he felt conflicted about whether he did the right thing and wanted my input. Part of that was also from helping him clean out and organize his mother’s messy estate as it was so messy and disorganized when he got it that he was completely overwhelmed. Did I mention his sister was of no help whatsoever in this??</p>
<p>The other unintended consequence is the practical effect of children receiving large sums of money. If grandma has a $1 mill estate and two children and two grandchildren aged 15 and 17, then each of those children will receive $250K. Grandma might bequeath it via a trust with conditions, but she might not. Either way, the parents will have limited, if any, control over their own childrens’ access to that money. It could complicate and undermine parenting, as the children may be impacted negatively in terms of motivation for college or starting a career, getting a job in high school or even behaving appropriately in day to day matters. Even trusts that disburse sums over time at specified ages can negatively impact a young adult’s behavior, because they know the money is coming.</p>
<p>If I wanted to leave lots of money to my grandchildren (which I don’t), I would not do it without consulting with their parents first.</p>
<p>Bay, you make an excellent point. Here is a cautionary tale: My husband’s nephew (son of the lovely girl and wonderful mother) dated a girl whose father was killed in a very public circumstance under which multiple people died, it was huge news and the family got a large, large, large settlement. The girl was an only child of divorced parents. Being the next of kin, she got a huge amount of money on her 18th birthday that she then used to buy many drugs and do nothing worthwhile with her life. She basically supported the nephew and he became addicted. Both of them swirled into a black hole of addiction and crime that all started with the addition of a lot of money and no one to control it. She is now 22 and has no education, has burned through 6 figures and has been in and out of rehab and jail. Very sad. Not all people in late teens can handle large sums all on their own.</p>
<p>What we leave to our children will be likely to be passed onto their kids/our grandchildren. That makes leaving something to grandchildren separately a bit redundant unless there are unusual circumstances.</p>
<p>About bf/gf influencing our siblings. It is tempting to blame outsiders but our grown-up siblings didn’t have to allow that to happen. It reminds me of blaming “the other woman” to protect a cheating spouse.</p>
<p>More and more, this thread makes me think better to disperse some money while living, not leave large sums behind. Though, that is fairly unlikely in my case, I think – accumulating large sums to leave behind.</p>
<p>Igloo, that may be true in most cases, but not all. Someday my PreciousBabyKing will marry THAT WOMAN and she will be nothing but trouble on all fronts. None of that will be his fault because, really, how could it be? He is perfection personified.</p>
<p>You’re right, though, clearly the siblings should exercise a level of respect and restraint and expect the same of and for all their SOs.</p>
<p>Bay’s post is what worries me. If H predeceases his mother, my children would inherit more money than they could handle in their early 20’s. D would be okay. She’s very responsible and doesn’t spend much money at all. She also has concrete plans for the future. S would buy an expensive sports car and god knows what else. He does not know what he wants to do after college and the money would allow him to do nothing at least for awhile. </p>
<p>AFAIK, though, the money is in an irrevocable trust, so MIL cannot change who inherits any longer.</p>
<p>Well, in the OP’s case, the father is not dead yet. He just gifted his grandchildren and children money. I think it’s totally up to him what he wants to give to whom before and after his death. I don’t give our kids to the dollar exact gifts, and with college costs, what each kid gets is not at all equal. Where does one draw the line as to how much someone should be allowed to spend on grandchildren? And gramps is supposed to pay out an equivalent amount to his other child each time he does this? It’s ridiculous.</p>
<p>I agree with the prior posts that BF/GF should not be interfering with the estate stuff, but as to husband and wives that is different. A few years ago my DH pointed out to his parents that their will would skip the wives if either of the guys predeceased them. Given 30 year marriages, the parents decided to change their will to have anything left to their sons or daughter in laws. Personally I like this, though they really don’t have much left anyway at this point. After many years of paying for care giving, the only asset left is their house and that could easily go over the next ten years if they do assisted living. But the thought is nice.</p>
<p>But, at what point would I do that with my kids? In this case, all the grandkids are out of high school and doing whatever education they are going to do, so there is no need to set aside money for that. Perhaps once the grantor that his child and spouse are doing the ‘right things’ with the raising of their kids, then it is time for a change.</p>
<p>Yes, my H & his family have some property that is held in joint tenancy, so that if any of them die, it goes to the surviving BLOOD relative listed on the deed. The two people left alive now are H & his brother. Neither brother’s kids nor I or our kids are listed, so it’s “survival of the fittest,” I guess. Hopefully we will retitle everything later this month, but are still working with our estate planner and SIL’s attorney to figure out what is the best way to handle this.</p>
<p>Many, many (perhaps most) young people are not really prepared to wrap their minds around inheriting or acquiring a large sum of money when in their early 20s–I suspect I would have stuck it into a bank or something until I could figure it out. Suspect our kids might act similarly. </p>
<p>My H’s best buddy’s S inherited a significant sum & blew it ALL on buying a Mercedes when he really had no savings or assets to his name. He later lost his job & moved back to HI & had to sell the Mercedes. The buddy was very irked with the S. Not sure what our kids would/will do if they inherit money–would likely depend on how old they are at the time they acquire it and their life experiences up to that date.</p>
As executor, I was so glad not to have to decide.</p>