<p>My father gifted some money to my sons at the end of 2012, in addition to gifting to my grown brother and me. My brother, who has no children, was furious that our father chose to gift to my sons – saying that it was unfair that “my half” of the family should receive more than “his half” of the family. (My brother has never married and does not intend to do so.) I don’t know whether it matters, but my brother is very successful financially, while my husband and I are working hard to pay tuition bills at this time. My sons’ gifts will be used to help pay tuition this year, as will mine, according to my father’s wishes.</p>
<p>Do people have perspectives on the fairness of Grandpa doing what he wants to with his money? </p>
<p>In general, I view my father’s estate as HIS to with what he pleases, while my brother views our father’s estate as his own inheritance, not to be disseminated. So, we’re approaching this from vastly different perspectives. My father and brother do not have a close relationship, unfortunately, while my father and I do. I spend a lot of time helping him with various areas of his life, because he’s in his eighties and needs the support --but I never raised gifting issues with him, and this was undertaken at his own initiative entirely.</p>
<p>That said, my brother’s bitterness is palpable – and he seems willing to wreck our family relationships over it. I’d like to hear other people’s thoughts on this situation.</p>
<p>I think it is unfortunate in the extreme for anyone to have such a bitter reaction to the gift. What grandparents choose to do with their own money is nobody’s business, but certainly people act badly about those things. I would just acknowledge your brother’s disappointment while not accepting blame or guilt. And give him time to get a new perspective. Don’t defend or explain or be dragged into a conversation, because it really isn’t your choice and certainly it was a wonderful thing for your father to do.</p>
<p>Had a somewhat similar situation. I agree completely that everyone is entitled to do what they want to do with their own money. In my family, the intent with gifts was to sow hard feelings and it did. The siblings have no relationship with each other and it can be traced to the monetary gifts and fallout therefrom. While I agree with you, you may have to accept the loss of this relationship because there is nothing you can do to fix it</p>
What could be more fair than him doing what he wants with his own money? Maybe an estate attorney will weigh in here. But, unless I am very wrong, your dad can distribute his money as he sees fit while he’s alive, and via his will after he dies.</p>
<p>How do you feel about writing off your relationship with your brother, before he gets the opportunity to wreck it himself? I get the feeling this will save you some aggravation in the months and years to come.</p>
<p>Just going by what you’ve posted, I’d say your brother is acting very self-centered and entitled. Your dad’s money absolutely is his to do with as he pleases. If he wanted to give it all to your kids, that’s his prerogative. I’m sorry. This must be pretty hurtful to you, that he would put money, which he apparently doesn’t really “need,” ahead of your relationship.
If the shoe were on the other foot, and he was the one with kids, I’m sure he’d have a different perspective.</p>
<p>Unless your father is mentally incapacitated, how he decides to spend his money while he is still alive is entirely up to him. I am about in the same position as you, the one who shovels the driveway, rakes leaves, makes meals…and has a great relationship with my father. He’s been handing me small cks toward “scholarship funds” since my mother passed (she would have been too worried about the equity part too) but as it is his money, he is not broadcasting to the family just how much is going to who. I think that is where it can get dicey and feelings get hurt. Does the brother want a payoff from Dad to make peace or does he want to be disinherited because of how he’s taking this? Maybe your bro should be also given an invoice for half of the cost of all the work that you do for your father.</p>
<p>I must say I don’t see the argument about “sides” of the family. YOur sons are separate people whom your father wants to give to–the idea that the family is a single entity that only gets a set amount seems bizarre to me.</p>
<p>But that doesn’t help you. However, by your report, your brother is an unreasonable, rigid person, and giving in or trying to make amends sounds like it would just put off the unreasonableness–he won’t change, and it doesn’t sound like you need to.</p>
<p>Your dad can do whatever he wishes with his money!
However, in regards to the poster whose dad is giving him "small cks toward “scholarship funds”, that is fine as long as there are not other grandkids he is neglecting to give to. If that were the case, I would talk to dad and ask him to share his money to the other grandkids as well. This can really set up for some hurt and resentment among the family and in the long run is not worth it.</p>
<p>There are regulations on how you can gift money tax free. By gifting the money your sons got to your brother, there would have been tax implications :D. I agree with you, it’s your Dad’s money to do as he likes. I can’t believe he is in a huff over money from Grandpa to pay for college. Just curious, did your brother get his college paid for by your Dad/parents?</p>
<p>Agree that the money is Grandpa’s to do with as he pleases. Having said that, I have contemplated need as a basis for inheritance and what is ‘fair’. If I had a child with greater need than the other, I’d probably be inclined to give more to the needier one. Not sure that is ‘fair’, but I’d probably do it. </p>
<p>Also believe it’s far better to share at least some of my money sooner rather than later so it can be spent on education, etc. Waiting until I’m pushing up daisys to share my money doesn’t seem to be as meaningful.</p>
<p>I completely agree with…well, everybody on the planet except for your brother…that your father is a grown-up who may do as he pleases with his own money.</p>
<p>Moreover, despite your brother’s belief that there’s “his half” of the family and “your half,” the tax code doesn’t see it that way. Your father may make monetary gifts to individuals (other than his spouse, if he is married) of up to $13,000 per year without reporting them to the IRS. He may give more than that, but if he does, he’ll have to file a gift-tax return. The recipient wouldn’t have to pay tax on the gift, nor would your father unless his lifetime gifts exceed a specified limit (which is currently just north of $5 million), but he would have to file the return so that the IRS could be tracking these major gifts to individuals. (More information here: [Tax</a> Rules for Gifts Fairmark.com](<a href=“http://fairmark.com/general-taxation/tax-rules-for-gifts/]Tax”>Tax Rules for Gifts - Fairmark))</p>
<p>So, on “your side” of the family, your father could, if he chose, give you $13,000, and give your husband $13,000, and give each of your sons $13,000, and never have to file a gift-tax return, but on “his side” of the family, he’s simply got fewer potential recipients. In fact, his spouse, if he is married, could also make gifts to all those recipients, in those amounts, for a total of $26,000 per recipient per year, without a gift-tax return being required.</p>
<p>Finally, I want to go back to agreeing with everyone else. Your brother is behaving very badly. Stupidly, too. Whenever I have tried to count other people’s money, I have never ended up happier for it.</p>
<p>He sounds bitter. I wonder if he is actually jealous of you, having a family and children. It may be only partly about the money- especially if as you say, he is financially secure.</p>
<p>Agree with posters above - your father can hand out gifts to whoever he wants in what ever amount he chooses.</p>
<p>I would view this disagreement as a warning of things to come. Do you know how your father’s will is written? Is it 50/50 between you and your brother, or are your children also named in the will? You might want to broach the situation now, rather than have to deal with your brother contesting the will later.</p>
<p>Also want to add to the tax info posted above - the tax free gift limit just rose to $14,000 in 2013. So, Grandpa can give whoever he chooses $14,000 in 2013 without any tax implications.</p>
<p>Yes, the money belongs to your father and he is free to decide what to do with his money.Perhaps all family members should exercise discretion when it comes to how much each person receives from your father.</p>
<p>When I gift money to my children, I just make deposits to their accounts and no one else (besides the account holder and me) knows about it.</p>
<p>Thanks for everyone’s thoughts here. It’s a painful situation, as I’m thinking forward to the time when my brother is an old man – and I can see him without any family relationships at all. Because he’s electing to be bitterly competitive with my sons, I don’t know when/if his relationship to them can recover.</p>
<p>Also, he’s been very punitive toward our father over this issue – doesn’t call or visit him, though this alienation is longer-standing. But he does seem to be employing a strategy of withholding his filial love until all is made “even” in his eyes. </p>
<p>I feel that I’m losing my brother – and it’s mystifying to me that he keeps referring to our “two families.” I thought my family was his family!?! Very saddening to me.</p>
<p>I’ve told him that I will continue to love him unconditionally, and that I would always be present for him if he were in need – but our relationship has certainly been damaged.</p>
<p>Moonchild, yes I think there must be more complex issues than money involved. To him, the 13K per child (in 2012) isn’t that significant. He may view my marriage and children with some envy instead of with the attitude of support and connection for which I would hope. We have less money, but we probably have more love in our lives, both for one another, and for dear friends. Maybe that’s too much for him to bear???</p>
<p>My brother feels that my father bears an onus of responsibility to prove his love to us, whereas I feel that my father needs us to show our love for him – as he is vulnerable and widowed and surely benefits from knowing that we cherish his presence in this world. </p>
<p>When I look at my two children, I can only hope they will support one another throughout their lives. Hope we’ve taught them loyalty and a generous, cooperative spirit. As teens at least, they show a very strong best-friendship and brotherhood – thank heavens! Hope it grows!</p>
<p>Yeah, that is the really sad part. And, even more sadly, whether you are or you aren’t may ultimately be out of your control. He’s creating the schism now, while your father is alive, and I’d be surprised if he behaved much differently after your father is gone (may it still be years and years from now).</p>
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<p>Seriously!</p>
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<p>I have all kinds of respect for that. I’m not sure I could do it.</p>
<p>Had something similar happen a few years ago. My mother-in-law gifted money into my daughter’s 529 plan (it made tax sense and she felt good that she could contribute to her granddaughter’s education). My sister-in-law who has no children complained that it was unfair. So, that was the last 529 gift we got.</p>