<p>Wow. So basically your brother thinks that Grampa has no right to give his grandchildren gifts. That if he gives money, it should be evenly divided between you and him, (and if you wanted, you could give some of your share to the children). So if he had, say three children, and you had four, he would be wrong to give each grandchild the same amount of $$? It’s sad that your brother thinks of your dad’s money as <em>his</em> money. And it’s sad that he is holding a grudge about it. And it is sad that he feels no connection to his own father or affection toward him. Stick to your guns. It sounds like you are handling this in a sensible way. Your brother is likely going to always feel slighted, no matter what happens.</p>
<p>What was your father’s relationship with your brother like before your children started receiving his generous monetary gifts? Did your father have a strong bond with him as a child? To your brother, could your father appear to give your children more attention then he gave him while growing up? Just wondering.</p>
<p>So your brother is objecting to a man of sound mind using the money that he earned to help out the ‘side’ of the family that both (a) does more for him, and (b) is in more need? Charming. </p>
<p>It would be different if your father had other grandchildren whose needs he was ignoring in favour of your kids, but really if the situation is exactly as you describe it then your brother needs to get a grip.</p>
<p>Why do the grandparents or any other family members need to discuss these gifts? Why can’t grandpa simply make the gifts and no one discusses them amongst the family? </p>
<p>Did your brother also add up how much money was spent on birthday and Christmas presents?</p>
<p>I am having a hard time understanding why your brother thinks he is entitled to a 50/50 split? From what you’ve described, he doesn’t help with your dad, and he is petty. He should be glad that your dad gave him anything at all. Sounds like he has already spent his “inheritance”.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s fair to be so quick to trash the brother. Remember, we’re hearing one side of the story.</p>
<p>I am also curious how/why your brother knows. I am certain that my mother in law has does various things differently for my husband and his siblings through the years, based on need. I could be wrong, but I know she has for us.</p>
<p>We don’t discuss this at all.</p>
<p>I agree with Thumper that this type of thing shouldn’t even be discussed between family members. Is it your father who has told your brother? It’s a shame that your brother feels the way he does.</p>
<p>My parents were updating their wills recently and I reiterated to them that everything be left to my brother. My H and I are financially secure, and my brother is not so it just makes sense that they provide what they can for him.</p>
<p>nysmile–we can only go by the OP’s description of the situation, which seems pretty straightforward. And which i think posters have pretty much stipulated.</p>
<p>At times, thread-starting posts may seem to twist facts, but you can usually feel that between the lines, and unless there are signs of this, which don’t seem apparent here, I think it would be useless to comment as if we thought the poster was not being forthcoming. For me, the facts seem to be presented fairly plainly. Unless the OP is flat out making them up–which I’m going to assume she has better things to do.</p>
<p>I re-read the first post and this stood out to me:</p>
<p>“My father and brother do not have a close relationship, unfortunately, while my father and I do.”</p>
<p>^Because of this statement, I get the feeling there may be more to the story.</p>
<p>My sister has no children and is well-off financially. I have 3 kids, one of whom has special needs, and we are not well off. But when my parents told me they were considering leaving me more or perhaps everything, I said absolutely not. I value my relationship with my sister and do not want to risk it over money. I seriously doubt my sister would care, but I don’t want to take any chances that she’d feel hurt.</p>
<p>Oh, and I made sure my sister didn’t mind that my parents spent more on “our side” at Christmas because of the kids. She assured me it was fine, but if I had detected any hurt or bitterness, I’d have dealt with it. Fortunately, she’s sensible and kind.</p>
<p>alwaysamom - Very sweet.</p>
<p>Sarabande - Wishing you the best. How wonderful that your father can help you and your children. I hope things improve for your brother.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, the whole money inheritance situation brings out the worst in people.</p>
<p>Ask your brother is he became severely ill and required a large amounts of money from your father would it would be fair if that amount exceeded a 50/50 split. Does he think he should be limited to only 50% even if the additional money would provide better heathcare for him. </p>
<p>Since he has no children, he cannot envision a situation that the roles would be reversed, where you would be giving up some of your inheritance to benefit his quality of life.</p>
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<p>Perhaps he is a lot less well off than he appears to be, and he is constantly having to look for money to pay his bills.</p>
<p>Some people spend all they make and more, so the appearance of a wealthy lifestyle is really based on unsustainable debt.</p>
<p>If I were in the situation, I and my family members would graciously thank my dad (grandpa) for any gifts he made but NOT share that info with my brother so he would not be comparing the amounts each person got. I have never shared with other family members financial gifts that my kids got. We have been fortunate that we did get some significant financial gifts for our kids from relatives that we did use to help defray tuition expenses (it was a BIG help over the years). I have no idea if other relatives were similarly gifted as it was none of my business–doubt they knew that we were gifted, as it was none of their business either.</p>
<p>We enjoy close relationships with our relatives, but that does NOT include sharing information about any financial gifts we receive. If the giver opts to share that informartion, s/he can do so but we as the grateful recipients choose NOT to disclose this information that can lead to bad feelings.</p>
<p>If and when we have grandkids and opt to give any financial gifts to our kids or any of them, we do NOT feel it is anyone’s business but our own and the recipients. As long as we are able to pay all our own bills now and in the future, how we choose to spend our money is OUR choice and “equal” is not always the way we may choose.</p>
<p>It might help if grandparents who want to help with tuition pay the fees directly to the university; it gives less of an appearance of a “gift” if it never passes through the beneficiary’s bank account. It also doesn’t count as a gift in the eyes of the IRS if it is paid directly to the institution, so there is no gift tax form to fill out for amounts over $14,000.</p>
<p>I agree with the majority here that a grandparent has no obligation to split their gifting evenly between children. However it helps to consider various scenarios and the logic that might be fueling the aggrieved son’s resentment. Is he significantly younger? Perhaps he plans to start a family some day and foresees that his future children will not have access to the same largesse afforded his sister’s children. Is his decision to remain single and without children his choice, or is it because of a physical or societal circumstance that prevents him from starting his own family? His resentment may have more to do with this sense of unfairness than the money itself.</p>
<p>I suggest you give your brother a copy of the book The Millionaire Next Door. It’s a good book, something I’d suggest just about everyone read at some point.</p>
<p>Of course the money is your father’s to give away, as you know. It is too bad that your brother regards it as his. </p>
<p>My mother died a couple of years ago, and when the will was read, my brother was shocked to learn I had been disinherited; he had never envisioned such a scenario. I, on the other hand, was not surprised. I’m okay with that (her money; I had no expectations) but he has felt bad about it since. zoosermom mentioned that in her family, gifts were intended to sow hard feelings. That may have been my mother’s intent, too; too bad for her that didn’t work!</p>
<p>As others have said, discretion about these financial gifts is the way to go.</p>
<p>I’ll play devil’s advocate here - I can actually see (and sympathize with) your brother’s viewpoint.</p>
<p>I think the brother is out of line to hold this against the sister.</p>
<p>I wish the Dad had not mentioned it to Brother, it’s none of his business really.</p>
<p>The fairness issue is complex. What if the brother had kids, too. One kid or five kids, would it be ‘fair’ to give the same amount to each kid or each parent?</p>
<p>What if it was about education? What if the Brother’s kids were older than the Op’s and they had not attended college? Is it fair to give only to the educational needs? I suppose that could be addressed by the grandfather owning a 529 and giving to whomever attends college.</p>
<p>It’s always interesting, from Grandpa’s perspective, to determine fair. What if there is a 10-20 year age difference between grandkids? If the oldest got $20 for birthdays in elementary school, should the youngest get $25 20 years later or should they both get $50 in 2012? Heck, if Grandpa dies, that means the oldest collected for more birthdays than the youngest.</p>
<p>As parents, if our kids pursue different fields, one a low income field and one a high income field, do we give them the same amount? What if one has large student loans, but a likely high income? What if one accumulated loans due to some irresponsibility?</p>
<p>Tough choices.</p>
<p>Recieving money from parents has a way of tearing families apart, because it is a tangible proxy for how valuable the recipient is to the parent. Also, family relationships and histories are far more complex than can be summed up by how financially secure one’s brother is. I’m with the few who are not so quick to judge the brother in this case.</p>