<p>One of my kids has had a string of friends who seem to use us. If the kids want to go somewhere, its always “oh, my mom won’t take us.” so if they’re going to be able to go, I have to drive. Even though my kid is well behaved, she is not welcome to stay over at one friend’s house because their house is “too small.” That particular friend is at our house all the time, spends the night almost every weekend, has become comfortable helping herself to the fridge, is always borrowing stuff. This weekend it was “Mom, will you pay for Friend to go to the amusement park?” No. Why should I have to pay? Their parents are able bodied people who can work. A couple of the moms have whined to me that they’re single parents. Uh, Hello?! I’m a single parent, didn’t you notice?! I just choose to work hard. </p>
<p>Now, the minimal financial support and time spent on my kid’s friends doesn’t add up to a whole lot. Mostly it just irritates me and I feel we’re being used. My kid thinks I should just relax.</p>
<p>The current situation means that you have plenty of opportunities to get to know your child’s friends and that you know where your child is going and what he/she is doing because you’re the one providing the transportation. Those other parents don’t have a clue.</p>
<p>It’s better, of course, if there’s some sort of reciprocity. My kids have never been allowed to have anyone sleep over because my husband is a light sleeper who is an absolute stickler for quiet during the night. On the other hand, I work out of my home and have a flexible schedule, so I have always done more than my share of the driving. I think it has worked out OK.</p>
<p>Set some boundaries with your kid about what you will or won’t do. Explain the limits to your daughter.</p>
<p>Example,…“I am happy to drive you and your friends, but I cannot pay for them. Please let them know this.” Or “I can drive one way, can you ask your friend to ask her mom if she can drive the other? I can call her and check and work it out.”</p>
<p>Also, in terms of driving, don’t rely on what the other kid said about her mom not willing to take them. Call the mom and work out sharing the driving arrangements and say only what YOU can do and if that doesn’t get the kids to and from the activity, the other parent will have to step up to the plate or maybe her kid doesn’t go with you guys.</p>
<p>PS…do only what you WANT to do…but in the end, it may not be EQUAL to the other parents, but you will have done the things YOU wanted to do for YOUR child…her activities, social plans, time spent together in the car, etc.</p>
<p>We’ve been there too. Usually we just accomodate because the kids aren’t responsible for the parent’s lack of drive/interest. It does get frustrating though. I tried not to gripe too much about it in front of my kids when they were small but as they got older they realized what was going on all by themselves.</p>
<p>Your daughter’s friend most likely feels embarrassed about how her parents are behaving. It sounds like she enjoys being at your house – perhaps because something is missing at hers. If you don’t mind too much and can afford to have her around, I suggest being a bit indulgent. If not, there’s nothing wrong with being assertive.</p>
<p>TiredParent: Here’s another way to look at this situation, and one I adopted when my D was younger (read: at home)…</p>
<p>I was grateful when I was the one doing the schlepping, the cooking, the watching over. You know why? Because I live a clean lifestyle, prepare and eat healthy foods, and I KNOW my home is a “safe” place for my D as well as any and all of her friends. I would never have to worry about a thing. Being the driver/cook/watcher is pretty much over now (especially since D is 3000 miles away), but I’d do it again. ANYtime.</p>
<p>Be thankful that you can do these things. It’s possible the other family has issues you don’t know about. Be thankful you can be there for the other kid too. One day a friend of my D said to me, “Thanks for today, I had the best time ever!” All we did was go walking around Venice Beach, and hit up some garage sales. But it was her “best day ever.”</p>
<p>My D had a friend from 2nd-7th grade who was at our house constantly, and her parents absolutely “used” us as free babysitting and never offered to pay for a cent. There were many problems in their family, and we always felt the girl was better off with us than at her house (and I think she did too). We took her to our county fair every summer and paid her way. She stayed with us for a week when her family went through a house fire.</p>
<p>Not exactly the same situation as you, TiredParent, since you are a single mom and you shouldn’t have to pay for other kids. But the one girl who feels at home at your house may have good reason to be more comfortable at your house than at her own. My mom calls this kind of good deeds “missionary work.” You might be influencing these kids in untold ways.</p>
<p>I do appreciate your point of view, thank you. There is indeed value in knowing where my daughter is, who she’s with, how she’s being supervised, because its me who is doing all of it! I will try out having a different attitude about it and feel good about what I’m providing for others’ children even if there isn’t reciprocity.</p>
<p>TiredParent: you say “I will try out having a different attitude about it and feel good about what I’m providing for others’ children even if there isn’t reciprocity.”</p>
<p>Trust me when I tell you there WILL be reciprocity. It may not be monetary, or even a return of time “off” but trust me, there will be reciprocity. Watch for it. It should be all around you.</p>
<p>Seriously.</p>
<p>I forgot to mention that like you, I was (still am) a single parent. So like you I was doing it all on one income. I’d come help you out if I could. I really would.</p>
<p>I echo what "just"aMom and others have said. I have been often in the place where you are (though not a single mom) with kids being at my house a lot. Even now, since we have a fairly large basement and a room designated for them, my son’s band rehearses there. They are quite good and I enjoy their music, thankfully, because, trust me: my kitchen ROCKS! Seriously, I love that they are here becasue it means I get to see them all a lot more, as our son is an adult and this is his hoped-for profession (he currently has another part-time job). </p>
<p>I am glad you are going to try to take a different attitude on about this. I think you will find that having your children and their friends around a lot to be, by and large, a huge blessing.</p>
<p>Although I did my share of driving friends to and fro before the kids got their driver’s license, I’ll have to admit that I’m a little jealous of the parents who have the “hangout” house. We don’t have a good space for kids to gather at our house so my kids have always done the “hanging out” at other homes. </p>
<p>My kids know they are all welcome here but most of their friends have bigger houses with better “stuff” (large basements or bonus rooms, big screen tv’s, live on the lake with boats and jet skis, etc) that just makes it easier and more fun for a group to get together. Consequently, I have never felt that I know my kids friends very well and my own kids are always at someone else’s house.</p>
<p>“Trust me when I tell you there WILL be reciprocity. It may not be monetary, or even a return of time “off” but trust me, there will be reciprocity. Watch for it. It should be all around you.”-Justamom is right about this!</p>
<p>I don’t mind the occasional driving even if I am the only one doing it (ie: to the mall, movies, bowling) b/c it is not daily. What I have found more challenging are the kiddos that are comfortable in my kitchen and eat regularly in my home. They were not invited to dinner, but they find things to eat. I find the mess that some of them leave behind the most irritating. I also know that these years will pass in blink of an eye, so I tolerate it most of the time…sigh…</p>
<p>As far as the amusement park-is it possible that the other parent said that she did not have extra money for this right now, but the 2 kiddos still want to go together? Is it possible that your D decided to tell her friend that she would see if you’ll just pay for both of them (your D’s own idea)? This is something that one of my kids would try with me. My son does this regularly with rides. If another parent says that they cannot drive this evening, my son will take it upon himself to just ask if I can drive in both directions. He will just see how far he can push the envelope. I have driven both directions on occasion, so he knows that occasionally he will get a “yes” out of me. I refuse when it is a 45minute drive in each direction, and they are only going to a 90 minute movie, and perhaps have a slice of pizza. It does not pay to go home, and I am not willing to sit around for 2.5 hours.</p>
<p>First of all welcome to the parents forum and {{{{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}}} to you.</p>
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<p>I am another one who totally agrees with this sentiment and I always tell my daughter that you will never be blessed until you are a blessing to someone else. You may not know it, and she may never say it anytime soon but you are a blessing to this child in more ways than you can imagine. </p>
<p>I understand how you feel because I am a single parent who done a lot of this but, I also look at it as a teachable moment that I am giving my child in showing and doing than to merely paying lip service. </p>
<p>I can also tell you first hand that it will come back in ways that you can’t believe. Whether you are doing this from your heart, because it is the right thing to do, or because it is your hope that someone will extend the same goodness and courtesy to your child , keep on, it wil come back. You are also showing your child just how blessed she is to have a mom like you because she sees what her friend is going through and you are showing the friend what kind of person she can aspire to be. Your shaping 2 lives one day at a time and that’s big</p>
<p>I like to look at things from a perspective of “God saw that” so think of it as sowing seeds today so that you and yours will reap the benefits of the harvest tomorrow. You’ll have a reap a great harvest so keep planting seeds.</p>
<p>Missionary work – What a lovely sentiment. </p>
<p>I had an aunt who had six kids in four years (two sets of identical twins.) Her house was a nuthouse. Never were there fewer than a dozen kids running around her tiny house --with one bathroom! I remember visiting at Mother’s Day and women in their 40s were stopping by with flowers & gifts because she had been the surrogate mom to so many. My uncle would buy little Christmas gifts for all his kids’ friends, too. It was probably the warmest, most welcoming place I’ve ever experienced in my life.</p>
<p>I was a single, hard working parent for a long time. It was always my desire to have the hang out house. I wanted to know where my kids were and who their friend are. Most of the thanks I got for doing more than my share came from kids whose live I know I influenced in some small but positive way.</p>
<p>PackMom wrote: “My kids know they are all welcome here but most of their friends have bigger houses with better “stuff” (large basements or bonus rooms, big screen tv’s, live on the lake with boats and jet skis, etc)” (someone PLEASE teach me how you do the quotes in a gray box!).</p>
<p>We have never had any of those things. BUT we go to the library (one little friend when D was in 1st grade said, “My mom won’t let me have a library card, because it costs money” - ack), play MadLibs, make up theater games (like what’s in the box), play “radio” karaoke (that’s where you play the radio & you sing with it for the rest of the gang), brush hair and make funny hair styles, have “rap” sessions (also known as just hang out and talk), walk Venice Beach boardwalk, go to the vintage clothing store. Basically we make up our own fun. </p>
<p>I never lived in a house until 5 years ago. I always lived in apartments, and they were always small. I’ve never had a fancy job, but I grew up with a single mom, and saw how to make the budget work. The first time my D went to a place called Boomers (mini-golf, bumper cars, etc.) she was armed with coupons. She spent $10. The others much more. The next time they made plans they asked her where they could get the coupons! </p>
<p>The point I’ve gotten off the track to make is that the “fun” I created for these kids didn’t cost an arm and a leg. And I believe I have been rewarded handsomely. And according to more than one post here, I may have more “payment” to come.</p>
<p>Sure. You put quote tags around it, like this: [ quote ]text[ /quote ], only leave out the spaces between the brackets and the ‘quote’ and ‘/quote’. And if you really want to be fancy you can put =“poster’s name” after the first ‘quote’, like this: [ quote="“just"aMom” ]text[ /quote ]</p>
<p>Is this going to work?
It did. Booklady, congratualtions! You have finally taught me. I could not do this until now! A little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing! :D</p>
<p>Sorry, I did not mean to go off topic, but I did in all my enthusiasm for finally learning how to quote!</p>
You put quote tags around it, like this: [ quote ]text[ /quote ], only leave out the spaces between the brackets and the ‘quote’ and ‘/quote’. And if you really want to be fancy you can put =“poster’s name” after the first ‘quote’, like this: [ quote="“just"aMom” ]text[ /quote ]</p>