<p>Thanks everyone, I am feeling much better. Like I said before no one can push my buttons like my mom. I have to learn to be strong and not let her push me around. She has a very strong personality. It’s hard, I feel bad and somewhat responsible as my dad is not around and she and my sibling have a strained relationship. My mom has trouble with boundaries…</p>
<p>Many have trouble with boundaries, but they can’t encroach unless you LET them. It is helpful for us to schedule time with relatives that live distantly on OUR schedule and at OUR convenience, since it will be us doing the traveling. </p>
<p>When I was in college and law school, I didn’t fly home for the holidays for 6 years. My sibs didn’t either. My folks survived. We DID all come home every summer (though I had job offers and preferred to stay away, I did defer to dad and worked in HI instead).</p>
<p>It is one thing for us to make accommodations–it is quite another to coerce our kids to make accommodations, especially if it will affect their potential future in-laws.</p>
<p>I agree that travel when it works for YOU is a good idea and offering to let her stay with you.</p>
<p>Thanks again to everyone who has responded and it has really helped a lot and is so helpful! This is so hard and I struggle with the holidays every year. Last year I decided I had to do what is best for my nuclear family and my sanity. As someone said, soon you have to deal with your children’s IL’s and even less time sharing at the holidays.</p>
<p>Consider “Christmas in July” or similar, where you can go and visit at a time and location that works for YOU without having to deal with inclement weather and trying to squeeze seconds out of too short visits. Best of luck to all who struggle with spending time with distant family members. There is no one good and easy solution that I’m aware of. :)</p>
<p>When you have a strained relationship and are pressured like this, somewhere deep inside there is the thought that you could do this and make the relationship better, but sadly, it probably won’t make things any better. She is who she is, you are who you are, the past will not go away. So, if you do something she asks, like this, do it because you want to do it, not because you think something will be better, heck, something could be worse.</p>
<p>My in laws live far away and are very demanding. We have always traveled to see them and they always traveled to see us, but now they are unable to travel. We do go see them 2-4 times a year, but we do it when works for us and the way that works for us. This past year they did pull the demand that we all come a certain time and we considered our options, that time we gave in, but we gave in knowing it was our choice to deal with going or deal with the fallout. I don’t think we will go next time they demand! It made us quite grumpy!</p>
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Yes, you are being unreasonable, but only in one respect: You are answering and making decisions for your children, who are adults.</p>
<p>You have only one response: “H and I can come before/after, but you will have to discuss these plans with your grandchildren yourself. If you want to organize the holiday, you’re free to try. I’m not going to coordinate it for you.”</p>
<p>Chedva–love your response. That makes a lot of sense because as our kids get older, they really do make their own choices about how to spend their time and money. We are glad that so far they are spending a lot of both with family and that we all live relatively close to one another, which makes it easier for all of us.</p>
<p>I didn’t get along with my mother and I disliked traveling to her part of Florida. She didn’t much like my neck of the woods (which was (of course) one reason I chose it). For some years, we met on neutral territory for the holidays–New York City, Washington DC, San Francisco–and did something touristy together. Made it easier to get along.</p>
<p>Can (not may) I hitchhike on the OP’s vent and do my own, steal some sympathy from her?</p>
<p>I also dread the holidays because they are not all they are represented as. No magical getting along with any relatives et al.</p>
<p>Definitely good for you to vent here and get it out of your system. I understand trying to get along with a parent- my mother died some 30 years ago and my father, sigh. We actually talked on the phone for over 3 hours a few weeks ago- longest ever in our lives- we more often than not will irritate each other and one of us hangs up. He won’t visit us no matter what arrangement we make, spares us from that headache.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine promising my presence at an event that far in the future. Tell her that. Tell her you can no longer speak for your kids as they are adults with their own lives. Next fall you can deflect any invitations. If the subject comes up during this visit tell her you need to enjoy the present and not think about the future. </p>
<p>When we moved to our retirement city in Florida we chose a large city, no way a retirement community. Plenty of reasons for friends and relatives to visit. However, we know time and money are limitations.</p>
<p>I think our son is coming to visit in a few days- at least he supposedly has bought the ticket but we don’t have his itinerary despite asking for it. He was 1300 miles away when we moved last spring and took a nonstop flight for Thanksgiving and Christmas- he had use it or lose it vacation time plus the money to do it. He got to see this house before and in the midst of extensive renovations (what doesn’t a college educated twenty something not get about do NOT step on the freshly laid kitchen tile…). He changed jobs and cities- 3100 miles, over 8 hours minimum flight time. Limited vacation time and basically most of two days spent traveling. Last saw him at a May California family wedding but do want to have him see our finished house at least once. He spent his first Thanksgiving alone this year and we had only the two of us for the first time in decades.</p>
<p>In the future I figure it will be easier for us to spend the time traveling- summer daylight and weather advantages there. I certainly don’t expect him to spend his limited vacation time always visiting his parents. There are many sunshine, warm weather, longer days places he can explore (and there is no way we can survive doing it as a family).</p>
<p>There, my thread hijack is done and thanks for letting me vent as well. Holidays are emotional times. Only one more week to be done with the one we don’t do- Happy New Year all!</p>
<p>I am counting my blessings that our kids and their cousins on our side of the family are very close, so they make a big point of flying to be together as often as they can fit it into their budgets and schedules. I admire S for flying 5000 miles and 10.5 hours or longer to spend time with us and am glad sometimes we can meet in DC or LA, which are easier for him.</p>