<p>I know I’m just stressed and I know my mom can push my buttons like no one else…</p>
<p>My mom and dad retired to the south, a long way from either of their children. My dad died a couple of years ago so there is just my mom. She is driving up here for 2 weeks but I know she doesn’t like coming north. I would consider offering to fly her here but she picked a place that is expensive to fly out of, she wants to see both of her children and while she can pay her bills she doesn’t have a lot of extra money and I’m already giving her a sum of cash for Christmas. She also doesn’t like to fly.</p>
<p>My H’s family lives in our state but my kids live in different states. They both are in long term relationships and my S’s gf is from our state and her family lives here. My kids are both out of college and working, so everyone has jobs and limited vacation time. </p>
<p>So my mom tells me today she wants us all to come to her house next year for Christmas. She told me she thinks my kids should fly to her town. We did this one year when the kids were younger but my mom has a really small house and it was hard. My sibling was not happy either and she will have one in college also. </p>
<p>I know I should be more accommodating but my kids have limited vacation time, they want to see both sides of the family and they want to come home, not go to my moms retirement village. It’s hard enough and my S is spending Christmas at his gf parents and coming here afterwards. When I told my mom that this was not going to work, she told me that she shared with my IL’s and that the kids should want to come to her house. I told her that my H and I would be glad to come down after Christmas but that I didn’t think it was going to work for my kids. </p>
<p>Am I being unreasonable? For years and years we traveled all over the country so that all of our family could be together. Now, with my kids out of college and having SO’s, I decided the past couple of years that people can come to us. I know my mom is jealous that my mil sees my kids more than they see her but it’s hard with everyone so far away. </p>
<p>I am having a hard enough time, my D flys in for a week and my mom is coming the next day so my H and I are not going to have any time alone with her. </p>
<p>Sorry for the big vent. I’m getting stressed about the holidays already. My H told me that I should have told her that we would think about it but I was so annoyed I went off.</p>
<p>With everyone living all over the place these days, it’s ridiculous to think we can still have the same kind of situation people used to have when nobody lived more than a couple of hours away.</p>
<p>I particularly dislike when parents move away and then start making visit demands.</p>
<p>I decided three christmasses ago that I just don’t care who I see or don’t see. I’m simply not willing to get stressed about it. It’s not worth it. It’s not fun. What’s the point?</p>
<p>Oddly, my kids still come to us. Could have to do with the fact that we buy them tickets and presents and have a place for them to sleep comfortably. I don’t know. </p>
<p>When we moved, I insisted that we have enough bedrooms so that my kids could always have a place to live with us. That was my bottom line.</p>
<p>I fully expect, soon enough, that the kids will have other things they have to do on the holidays. Oldest hasn’t been with us for thanksgiving for 4 years at this point. As for the mothers? One, H’s, is incredibly undemanding and the other, mine, was so demanding it became impossible to deal with her at all. My kids just couldn’t take the demands anymore, with so little given in return.</p>
<p>I say this as the long version of “do what’s easy.” “No” is a complete sentence. At our age, we owe no explanations.</p>
<p>In other words, “You can come here for the holidays if you want. We have no intention of travelling and we aren’t going to change our mind no matter how many different ways you say it.”</p>
<p>Good luck. I know until you decide it doesn’t matter anymore it can feel really challenging.</p>
<p>I think you only need to be concerned about yourself and your husband. Your children are adults so now this decision (and how to handle it with gma) are in their hands. </p>
<p>The only other thought is a short vacation with as many people as can make it to Grandma’s area outside of Christmas - and staying at a hotel or resort so that you feel like you are on vacation and not crammed in the small house which would not be pleasant for anyone! </p>
<p>Christmas is not just a day, it’s a season. I vowed after my husband and I split the day for YEARS - not having any fun - that when my kids got older I would not focus and put all my energy on the DAY of Christmas. You can celebrate anytime!</p>
<p>“Next Christmas? Oh, that’s a long way away. We’ll just have to see how things are a few months in advance. It’s just impossible to make plans that far in advance for so many people.” Just keep repeating it.</p>
<p>Funny, I’m not into mandated plans, either. But it doesn’t seem outrageous to spend the holidays on her turf, once on a while. Stay in a hotel, make it short, if needed. Go some different weekend in December- or make it a Thanksgiving thing. Maybe take the SO’s, do the best you can to have fun and chalk it up to “family.” If you do it once, next time you call the shots. Good luck.</p>
<p>Hunt those types of games are a waste of time. If its logistically improbable, no one benefits from dancing around the issue. After the age of 18, I can tell you I would not be traveling to a small, cramped house in a retirement community for a week. I’d just say it makes more sense for her to come there and that you arent interested in coming to her house. </p>
<p>Can’t choose your family. As your mother ages, it’s going to be more and more impractical for her to live so far away so you may want to start getting her used to the idea of moving back up north anyway.</p>
<p>If it were one of the kids living in FL, with a job and an SO, wanting to split his time with her family and his own, would this accommodation be so hard or could you envision saying, ok, next December, this once, let’s all meet at Billy’s, we can get a hotel and soak up some rays…?</p>
<p>I told my kids long ago, after reading threads such as this on CC, that I hoped to never pressure them re where they spend their holidays. I would always be happy to see them, but do not feel it has to be on any particular day or days and would never want them coming mainly out of a sense of obligation. I want them coming to see me because they want to!</p>
<p>This year my D is a newlywed and she and her H wanted to host their first Thanksgiving, which meant both families of origin needed to travel to them, one by air, the other several hours by car. I have discussed with D that next year H and I are willing to either host, including her in laws, or even travel (fly) to her in laws, or be on our own. (I expect S to be with his SO’s family next Thanksgiving, but they live near us and he lives with us, so no big deal.)</p>
<p>When the older generation chooses to relocate to a spot inconvenient for their family, they pay a price re visits. H and I are discussing retirement location ideas now, and it is a challenging issue. We are asking our kids to weigh in re their suggestions, although of course the decision will be ours.</p>
<p>On the other hand, all else being equal, I am inclined to defer to the elder generation, as they will not always be with us and may have more physical challenges. But then they do have more time available.</p>
<p>I do think it would be best to defer discussion until after getting through these holidays. Then take a time out, and then brainstorm ideas all around.</p>
<p>I know, I know, I overreacted and she was talking about next year. But she has this idea that we are going to come to her and she doesn’t let it go. Even though we did it once and it didn’t go very well. She forgets that though. </p>
<p>It’s just hard to try and get our nuclear family together with everyone’s schedule and lack of vacation time. </p>
<p>This has more to do with with my mom and our complicated relationship. And that whatever you do for her it’s not enough and she wants more and more and more. I am trying so hard not to be that kind of parent and try to have a different relationship with my children. </p>
<p>Mostly I was venting that Christmas isn’t even here and my mom is trying to make plans for next year. Ones I know are not realistic as my sibling and her husband have full time jobs and kids with lots going on. And it’s easier for one person who isn’t working and has lots of time to come to us.</p>
<p>And I feel it has more to do with the fact that my mom doesn’t really want the grand kids to see the other grandparents because they live closer to us.</p>
<p>You are not being unreasonable. She is asking a lot. Are there hotels there? Maybe you all could make it a one time thing, sort of like a family reunion, and spring for the hotel rooms and such. But Christmas might not be the best time.</p>
<p>Ah, OP, I thought it must have something to do with your relationship to your mother. Where I’m from originally, it’s not uncommon for people to retire from the frozen north to warmer climates like Florida or Arizona. Of COURSE that places them farther away from their kids and grandkids, but the trade off is that they don’t want to shovel snow or drive on ice anymore, and I get that. I wouldn’t see it, as some of the other posters do as a too bad, so sad since you moved deal-I think there are some valid reasons.</p>
<p>My mother was the heart of our holidays and unless I was dead broke, made every effort every holiday season (note, not always ON Christmas) to visit “back home”. I’m glad I did-we lost both her and my dad young and my final visit to her was at Christmas time. It was very crowded-I had to sleep on the floor and my kids had to share a bed. It was expensive and in convenient, and I’d do it all over again. That is just me, however.</p>
<p>I’d opt for some kind of compromise as others have suggested and let your adult kids make their own decisions.</p>
<p>Oh sseamom, this is what is so hard. It’s really hard when your relationship with your mother isn’t what you want and isn’t easy. I have some troubles with my mil but when you go to her house it’s like being enveloped in love. And warmth and food. No one fights and it’s just easy. And my family is stressful and hard! And not warm and fuzzy. Last year my family came and it was so stressful and I was a mess. </p>
<p>Honestly, I don’t really like the holidays. I don’t have these warm fuzzy feelings that other people do. I feel so terrible feeling this way and that on every Christmas I feel torn. But when my kids are here it’s great and they love Christmas and being home. So I feel that I am doing what I can.</p>
<p>Well, then, that is a real blessing. Enjoy it and deal with your mother’s wishes for *next *Christmas in the new year.</p>
<p>D’s H will not be seeing his mom at Christmas, but to make up for it will fly to visit her for Mother’s Day weekend, so she is happy as she can look forward to a special time with him then. How about something like that for your Mom – you will go to her for her birthday or some other event that is meaningful to her?</p>
<p>Frankly, IMO spreading out visits throughout the year makes sense anyway. Perhaps your kids could visit over the summer or spring break.</p>
<p>If you were to read your post (but written by someone else) here on CC, you’d quickly recognize that the request isn’t a reasonable one. It would be easy for you to write to the poster - Just say no. An explanation is not required. A simply no is all that is needed.</p>
<p>But you are conflicted because this is your mom and you do not have a healthy relationship with her. Perhaps now is the time to change that. Of course, you can not change her (nor is that your job). All you can change is you and your response to her questions/demands. </p>
<p>And remember, it’s only going to get harder as she gets older. If you give into unreasonable demands now, just imagine how unreasonable they will get as she gets older.</p>
<p>Revising my thoughts. If it’s really a mess (and you have to weigh this,) it’s ok to say no. And if she comes to you, keep it to one week. (Maybe that will get her to fly.) Maybe you bring her in on the 24th and have a nice family dinner before she gets there. Or fly her back on the 26th.</p>
<p>Do what makes you happy. You want to stay home, your kids want to come home. Stay home. Create the warm and happy holiday you would like to have for your family. Guilt free, I might add.</p>
<p>Start saving money and plan to buy her airfare home next Christmas. See if your sister will pitch in $$$. If its still not enough money then you should not send her money to buy xmas gifts and put that towards the flight. Tell her your familys gift is her being with you. Tell mom that you appreciate her wonderful offer to go to her home but it is just not practical for you all to use your very short vacation time to travel to Florida when the kids want and need to see other people in that short holiday time frame.</p>
<p>Then stick to your guns. </p>
<p>Before you know it you will be sharing your kids with their in laws and not have everyone together. </p>
<p>This is YOUR turn to make YOUR family happy. Mom is going to have to get with the new reality.</p>
<p>One has to wonder what they all talk about in those retirement communities. Maybe Mom has a friend whose family is coming to visit and she can not say the same. I agree that she is being unreasonable. She is the one that moved away.</p>
<p>My mother wanted us to come to her. She’d moved really far away. She had no place for us to stay in her condo. She wanted me to MAKE my grown children come to her, as well, instead of coming to where we were, where their friends were.</p>
<p>We said, “Feel free to email the kids and see what they want to do.”</p>
<p>The kids never answered her. You should have seen the email she sent them after years of … well, you don’t want to know.</p>
<p>that was the end of that.</p>
<p>I don’t know what your relationship is with your mother, but I can promise if you try to get your grown up children to do what SHE wants them to do, you will get a lot less of what YOU want, since they will consider that a favor to YOU, and anything that happens YOUR responsibility.</p>
<p>This was why I made her ask herself. Unfortunately, my mother does not know how to ask, just demand. kids didn’t buy in.</p>
<p>Is there a bus or train that might work for your mom, since you indicated she doesn’t like to fly? Have found train rides pleasant, but only taken them in May. When there is ice and snow, might make travel more problematic.</p>
<p>My kids have been good about wanting to come to HI every year so far, so we haven’t encountered this. ALL the nieces and nephews fly in and my folks live here as do all the sibs. We do try to see H’s brother and bro’s 2 kids at least once a year by going there. They rarely fly to see us too (2500 miles away and flying is the only way to get between our cities).</p>