When H inherited a substantial sum of money, we put a lot of into his retirement account that we rolled over into a Roth IRA for him. We also use a stream of it to pay D’s expenses until she gets a job, and the rest is freely co-mingled between H & me. We use it to travel and be able to have our kids enjoy experiences with us. We have no regrets. I plan to use any funds I inherit for more experiences we all enjoy together. It’s always been what is either of ours is both of ours. Funds pretty freely migrate between our various accounts, as well as we keep our books so that the CPA can figure out our taxes. H & I are both happy to be able to help our kids so that they can use assets when it can help them with their careers. It’s nice to be able to do so and we’re glad we’re of the same mind about these issues.
I’m sorry, consolation 
@Consolidation ,
If my H did that, it would come as a surprise to me as well and upset me to some extent. But, “family money” is weird, even if the amount is not too much. “Family” anything can be weird. Perhaps it’s possible that your H’s parents always characterized it as “their family” money. It does seem rare (and I’m far from an expert on the matter) that parents name anyone other than lineal descendents in their bequests to family or as designated beneficiaries.
I always tell H: “What’s mine is mine” and “what’s yours is ours”! He can handle it. 
I try to look at the positive side of things…
If the net effect is the family got the money, and everything else is cool with h, I would let it go.
Being angry hurts the person who is angry.
Yes, anger is definitely corrosive to anyone who decides to hang on to it instead of letting it go.
“Yes, anger is definitely corrosive to anyone who decides to hang on to it instead of letting it go”
I agree. I would be very curious as to what his answer would be, as why he did that. We don’t have separate accounts for anything (except for the retirement accounts, which is required). I would pretty shocked and like to know the reason. I don’t know if the act of doing that would hurt my feelings, but I would be awfully curious for the explanation. And another thing…I’d certainly want to know who was the beneficiary on that account, and it had better be me! Then again, do you know that his parents didn’t say, “We want this money to go to you, and you only?” Because if they made that clear, than he would have been following their wishes.
Yes, even tho we have separate retirement accounts, when we get RMDs, the funds go straight into our joint checking account and are used for our family living expenses. H’s pension is also in his name, but those funds likewise go into our joint checking, as well as any other funds or assets that come our way, including assets from my mother’s family. It’s a lot easier for us not to have to have separate mental accounting as to where different funds originated.
H and I have dialogues about money whenever either of us is curious about what the other thinks. We have also named each other as the sole primary beneficiary and our kids as joint contingent beneficiaries of all our assets.
You need to have a talk with your husband and let him know how hurt you are. Even if he spent it all on your nuclear family, he still hurt you. Maybe meet with a counselor to keep things on an even keel.
The way I see it, inheritances are never guaranteed unless there is a special trust set up. People live longer and longer and can use up all that money on health expenses. Don’t wait for your own inheritance to try to even the score with your husband, that could take forever or never happen and the whole time you are simmering. Talk it out and fix it as best you can now.
And if you can’t? Change the beneficiary of all your accounts to your children and don’t let him know. Yes, I have an evil mind.
All I can say is sometimes men can be swine.
I received nice chunks of inheritance from my parents, which started coming in just before I was diagnosed with stage III cancer and a year before mother passed (a 5 unit apartment building she owned was sold and she gifted out $$ via family trust)… We were able to continue DD1 and DD2 schooling and activities. We didn’t have to worry about financials with continuing to live life with the shadow of cancer over us. Thankfully I am cancer free 5 years now. Now working to make it the next 6 years to retirement. Feel like we are on the last lap before hitting the retirement ‘finish’ tape.
Sister’s first H - what is yours is mine, what is mine is mine. She made a mistake marrying him and it extracted a high price on her emotional health.
My grandmother wanted to make sure that her money/property went to my dad and then to her grandchildren and not to his 2nd wife. So she put it all in a trust. While I supposed dad is spending some of it on his wife now if there is anything left when he dies it will go to the grandchildren. That’s really the only way I can see making sure that inherited assets end up with who you want them too.
My grandparents wanted to make sure that their money goes to their grandchildren and not to their sons because they don’t really trust my dad’s brothers. Luckily, they’ve survived until all the grandkids are near or in adulthood so it shouldn’t be an issue. They have been giving us things while they’re alive because, by their reasoning, why not see us enjoy it?
One of my uncles is getting married soon to a VERY young new wife who wants kids. I’m not sure what’ll happen if she also has kids because the wills and everything are set and my grandfather has Alzheimer’s 
Well my husband’s inheritance has my name just in case. But I don’t use it. Mentally that is his money to me. So don’t feel hurtful. When I get my inheritance, I will do the same. Because frankly, my husband doesn’t care, he knows I take care of him no matter what.
Get a good lawyer and make sure everything is clear and tight. Hopefully your lawyer will be good enough to think about things that you wouldn’t even imagine. For example, if there is a blanket gift to “grandchildren” and the estate is big enough, what is to stop someone from having an in vitro baby from the sperm or egg cell of an already deceased person? Or for a child to use donor eggs or a surrogate mother to have a child when they are in their 60’s or older just so they get a bigger piece of the pie? Who knows what might even happen with cloning technology? Be specific.
And give things to your kids and grandkids now. If they’re too young, set up a trust. Some parents die younger and leave everything to their spouse expecting that they will leave it to their mutual children. Remarriages occur and chaos ensues.
Mom did a nice thing for her grandchildren (and indirectly for her children) - she had two small insurance policies and they went to the grandchildren. Each received about $17,000 early in 2011. Most have it going for college; one got a better car as she had college ‘covered’; one had it as down payment for first house with new marriage. My two had the money grow to almost double with what I had it invested (energy stock that had good dividends and good share price increases).
I must be terrible…lol. I have kept both of my inheritances in my name only (one from a bachelor uncle and the other from my parents). H got his inheritance last fall and it’s in his name only.
We’ve been married for 30 years and of course, all marital income goes into joint accts, but his parents’ money is his, and my uncle’s/parents’ money is mine. I received a lot more than H did (my uncle/parents were very good with money), but that’s life. Yes, when we spend any of it, it’s “on family,” but we don’t mix the accts. Of course, we have each other named as beneficiaries.
This mostly started with my parents. My dad received his inheritance first, and kept it separate. Then when my mom got her inheritance (which was larger than dad’s), she kept it separate. My mom was always glad that she did because my dad could be “cheap” at times, and “mom’s money” allowed her to buy things that dad would have vetoed.
Even though we’ve been married for 30 years, I know that if something were to happen and we split up, I would be soooo angry if I lost half of my uncle’s/parents’ money. My siblings have also kept their inheritances separate, and their spouses have as well.
I know someone who rec’d a good bit of money, and she did put the money into a joint acct. Her H left her for another woman and got to take half of the inheritance because it wasn’t protected. I know that would annoy me forever.
I doubt that there are many parents out there that would like half of their child’s inheritance going to a cheating/departing spouse.
I guess I never really thought about the inheritance issue. I figure that you never know what’s going to happen, and parents could live for many long years and drain their savings down to nothing. You could end up taking care of them yourselves. But as it stands, my husband will probably inherit a small piece of land with trees on it (that I wouldn’t expect my name to ever get on), and my parents could leave me and my sister millions. I would prefer that they spend it to on some home repairs and doing things that they enjoy, but that seems unlikely.
We have give our S some of the money H inherited to grow his business as a loan with nominal interest. We told him he should grow it as much as he can and can use it for whatever big need he has–going back for grad degree, down payment, wedding, etc. We also contributed a big chunk for a sole 401K for his business, so he has a significant amount of tax-deferred growth in that and the Roth 401K from his employer, as well as a backdoor Roth IRA. He’s in a much better financial position that H & I were combined at his age.
At the right time, we plan to give D money toward whatever she needs. Right now, we are paying her quarterly living expenses, until she’s healthy enough to get a job. We will happily fund a Roth IRA for her when she has earned income. We want her to find her path before we gift or loan her significant money.
It is nice to see how our children handle money and let them enjoy it (in moderation). It gives us confidence that they will be able to handle their eventual inheritance from us responsibly as well.
Totally agree. In the case I was sharing about earlier, the wife had received an inheritance near the end of their marriage. It was in her name, though the husband was listed as a beneficiary if she were to die first. While there was no cheating spouse (well, no cheating in terms of affairs, but I guess you could say cheating with regards to financial matters), the husband was draining the wife’s inheritance prior to their split, promising to pay her back (in writing), and in the end, not only didn’t pay her back, but got even more of it in the divorce. I imagine the deceased parents of the wife would be rolling in their graves if they ever knew that the money they left their daughter went to the spouse in the way that it did, and leaving their daughter in bad financial shape.
Not being an attorney or expert by any means, I will share something about such a situation in the case I know about with a divorced couple. The husband forced the wife to take out a Home Equity Loan against their house to pay off debts (he appeared to have addictions with regard to debt and a long pattern in that regard). He used threats to make her agree to the loan. He promised that they’d each be responsible for half of it. Toward the end of the marriage, the wife was paying all the payments, but upon the separation, the husband put in writing to the wife a promise to pay back his share of what she had laid out for him and to split the repayment of the remaining home equity loan which was substantial. In the legal divorce, however, the opposite occurred and the wife had to pay back all of the home equity loan. I was told that the wife’s attorney said this case was the worse she had ever seen (this was only one small facet of it). Even though the spouse had put several financial promises in writing to the wife upon the separation (though not a legal document), none of those were followed through in the legal case.
Not specifically about inheritances, but …
Some couples pre-allocate some of the household money into three pools – one pool for joint household stuff, and a smaller pool for each spouse that s/he can use without asking permission from the other spouse. This way, her spending on sports equipment and his spending on shoes won’t become a point of argument every time, but each will have to “ration” spending to stay within his/her “private” pool of money and not put the household finances (based on the joint household pool) at risk.