<p>My 2 brothers who are VERY well off and well known in their industry recently joined forces to make money for themselves instead of others. Both were in a position to be helpful with contacts for internships or even real jobs for DD who graduated in June. Brother 1 would call/email me and say have DD contact me (she had many times and he had her email and phone #), which she would do and it would go nowhere as he wouldn’t call back or they’d get disconnected or whatever. Brother 2 when asked for help (review resume, suggest contacts) told her to check out Monster. She finally got a job with benefits(yay!) not paying a lot or doing what she really wanted, but no complaints!</p>
<p>DH lost his job several months ago. Recently the brothers’ new enterprise had contracted a business to do some work. A small part of that was in DH’s area. DH bid the job and didn’t get it. He asked brother how close was he to being the low bidder. Turns out he WAS. Brother said he couldn’t influence who the business chose to do the work. As if.</p>
<p>Last week brother 2 was in town and the family got together for dinner. We had returned from DH’s nephew wedding the week before. In conversation I mentioned that his best man was a grade school buddy/college roommate ended up being a gazillionaire when the company he started at as an intern (couldn’t afford to pay him so gave him stock options) went public. </p>
<p>Here’s the dilemma. I got an email from Brother 2. His son is graduating from a top college (big time legacy). He now wants a job at the company. Can’t imagine what he would do as his major was in his father’s area, not this company’s, but whatever. Brother wants nephew’s contact info to pass along to son. I don’t want to do it. He’s done nothing to help us any way. We’re struggling and he wants ME to help his son who could waltz into any number of wellpaying jobs??? One part of me wants to ignore him and the other wants to tell him what I really think. </p>
<p>I guess I have trouble imagining not being able to be completely open with my brother. I would have picked up the phone and told him my thoughts immediately. Your brother is not required to steer business to your husband, but I would definitely have a problem with how little regard they showed your daughter. But apparently you don’t have the kind of relationship which could weather complete candor? </p>
<p>I would talk frankly with your brother. There may even be some good explanations for some of this behavior which would relieve your mind a bit.</p>
<p>I would also help out your nephew. It’s not his fault his Dad has hurt your feelings.</p>
<p>This really is between you and your nephew. Not between you and your brother.</p>
<p>Sometime after the next semester begins, pick up the phone and call your nephew (not your brother). Ask your nephew how he is doing. Tell him that as his aunt you are so excited to know that he is graduating. Talk with him about his plans for his future. Let him know that you care, because, well aunts do care.</p>
<p>Then, depending on how the conversation goes, you could mention that his dad had asked you for specific contact information for one of your husband’s family connections. He might not want the contact information at all! If he does, well then you need to remember that your husband is this kid’s uncle. And good uncles do care about their niece’s and nephew’s lives. Considering that this is a pretty thin connection (uncle’s nephew’s grade school pal) the likelihood of all the steps working isn’t easily predicted, and even if he’s interested in the contact information, that doesn’t mean the kid will get an interview, let alone a job.</p>
<p>Thank you for the advice. I’m not sure why I care about confronting my brothers. It’s not like they’ve ever actually done anything for me except pay for dinner once a year or so.
Emerald kitty, I guess you’re right. It just seemed that we remembered this friend as a sweet, unassuming little boy pushing my daughter in her carriage and who was now a sweet, unassuming adult who had achieved some great things. Now that I think about it, it probably WAS namedropping by the sister who isn’t feeling very good about her lot in life these days.</p>
<p>IN general, even when it hurts, taking the high road feels best in the long run. I like, though, the idea of dealing directly with the job seeker.</p>
<p>If you wanted to open a dialog, you might ask bro, if there was something your DD could learn from interactions with them that would help her in the future, since the did not seem interested in connecting her with any of their resources A nice way of reminding him he did not help, but giving him the chance to explain why without being on the defensive.</p>
<p>I have a rich BIL. He has been very generous with his time and money. We simply don’t ask for financial favors and have even deferred one very generous offer. I find that sometimes he just doesn’t “get” what we normal people are going through. He offered to sell dh his used fancy SUV for a steal, and it probably was, but dh had to tell him, “That’s almost 3/4s of my annual salary.” :rolleyes:</p>
<p>That said, one thing I do appreciate is an open relationship about the financial realities. I would call brother 2 and say, “Dh would be happy to contact BMOC about your ds, but I have to tell you that I’m still bothered by what happened with dh’s bid on that project a few months ago. I know I should have said something then, but I guess it’s coming back up for me because you’re asking him for a favor and when he did the same of you, you claimed to have no ability to influence the contract decision. That really stung at a time when we really needed the help.”</p>
<p>Would you feel comfortable saying that? What harm would come of it?</p>
<p>I kind of disagree that it’s just between you and the nephew. One, the dad asked, not the nephew. And two, there’s obviously residual hurt about the contract, and it’s best to get that cleared up now and continue to let it fester.</p>
<p>“Brother2, D was so disheartened when you referred her to monster.com during her job search that I vowed I would never to treat one my nieces or nephews the same way. Therefore it would be my pleasure to pass your S’s resume along to the gazillionaire.”</p>
<p>Sounds like yoru brothers have ignored you/your requests/your daughters request several times. Why would it not be reasonable to ignore hin request in return? If your nephew contacts your directly, you can decide then what to do. There is no reason to reach out to him at this point, IMO. Alternatively, you can simply say you do not have permission to pass on someone elses contact information, and you are not comfortable doing so. Period. The end. If he brings it up again, you can ignore. Sad that many of our siblings treat us poorly. I have a similar experience. No fun. But I have learned to expect nothing, and I will not be disappointed.</p>
<p>The reason I don’t agree with jym is because I’d want to be the better person and not punish my niece/nephew just because his/her parent is a jerk. That said, it’s the parent who asked for help, not the nephew, which is why I’d talk to the brother about the situation and hurt feelings.</p>
<p>jym, I also have a jerky sibling. My sister is 7 years older than me and has been jealous of me her whole life. I think it must be difficult for her to be so bitter. I don’t expect a lot from her. She now is jealous of my children, and, for instance, this year didn’t get my 15yo anything for Christmas, even though I, of course, got her kids presents until they turned 18 (that’s when we age-out in our family. ). Yes, it is easier to have no expectations where she is concerned – and I don’t – but I do think she’s a b*tch for treating my children poorly because, at 55 yo, she still harbors some bizarre grudge. I’ve always been more than kind to her kids and have a clear conscience in that regard.</p>
<p>No good deed goes unpunished. Having been burned enough times, I learned my lesson. Try to be reasonable with an unreasonable person doesn’t work. It will come back to bite the OP if she lets herself get involved. I would bet on it.</p>
A nice way of reminding him he did not help, but giving him the chance to explain why without being on the defensive.</p>