<p>Although people are saying it would have been better if H kept his mouth shut, it is hard to be in a relationship with two faced friends ( or family)- those that are nice to your face, and then mean behind your back. It’s hard, but sometimes it is best to know who your true friends are. </p>
<p>It’s important to me to be able to trust my friends and family, and while I realize that people slip and gossip, I’ve found it very hurtful to be in the “Kay” role. Some have been family members and I’m not sure if finding this kind of thing out results in the hurt from losing a close relationship with a family member, or the hurt from finding out what they were really like. If I were Kay and went to dinner so soon after hearing this, I wouldn’t be able to sit through the dinner without probably tearing up. </p>
<p>There is a way to repair this- the relatives could apologize to Kay. </p>
<p>Thanks for all of the input. I agree completely that DH should gave stopped the conversation when it was taking place and I am disappointed that he did not do so. My older son (age 22) was also present for this family event and confirmed the gossip to me. I truly had no idea DH was planning to tell Kay - it took me completely by surprise. I’m going to be speaking with Kay this afternoon to discuss and am tending to agree that bringing it up now, months later, is not necessary. </p>
<p>I realize there are people who don’t deal well with situations where inappropriate things are said. I think it’s best to have a few prepared sentences in one’s head to “throw out there” when needed. After all, if something racist were being said, wouldn’t we all want to say something to stop the ugly talk? We can “stop the talk” with an appropriate sentence or two. </p>
<p>I agree, and I am further disappointed that my sons were present to hear all this and see their father do nothing. My husband’s brother and his wife were also present - did not partake in the Kay bashing, but did not stop it either. I did not attend this event as I do not care for my husband’s family, and I was also dealing with our dying dog. </p>
<p>I sent the photos to my sister-in-law, who was present. They were group shots of myself, Kay, my son, her son and her grandchildren. I don’t think my s-i-l intended for sharing of these photos to launch this mean conversation, but I will not send her photos in the future.</p>
<p>My husband’s family is characterized by quiet men and judgemental, gossipy women. I have as little to do with them as possible. I am always mindful that if I share something with my s-i-l or m-i-l, I should not expect confidentiality.</p>
<p>Kay is a very sweet, artsy, kind person who woud never gossip. I think my husband’s reasons for telling her were valid. Why should she confide in her cousin about her estrangement from her son if that woman is going to divulge this pain to other relatives? </p>
<p>I think a simple decline on the dinner next week is the way to go, but curious to hear what Kay wants to discuss with me.</p>
<p>Kay may want someone in the family who she can trust. </p>
<p>Family behaviors can be passed down from generation to generation. While some behaviors would not be acceptable in wider social settings, they may be considered normal for families when the entire family does it. Family members can be put into a difficult position: go along with the crowd or face being the outlier. That’s a hard choice when dealing with people you are so connected with. One possible reason for the failure to speak up at the time is that these unspoken family “rules” are very strong- and sometimes automatic. Family members who do go against the grain may face being outsiders. </p>
<p>The kind of criticism of “Kay” is a way for the other people to feel better about themselves. It’s natural to send group pictures of family to each other, and we all notice that over the years- we aren’t looking the same as we used to- and it is hard to admit. So by focusing on “Kay” maybe these others projected their uncomfortable feelings about how they look too. </p>
<p>I’ve been in “Kay’s” shoes and it really does hurt- even more so because it is your own family, but I have to also accept that people who do this are saying more about them than me- and let it go ( after some time to adjust ). I also cherish the people I can trust to not say things behind my back. I prefer direct communication. Perhaps you can be someone like this for Kay. </p>
<p>Thanks for all of the input. Kay has decided to decline the invitation from her cousin - it was not convenient for her to travel into the city on a weeknite anyway - and the invitation seemed to be more obligatory than genuine. Instead - Kay and I and our husbands will get together this weekend - and enjoy a pleasant evening free from gossip and family drama. And no photos will be taken!</p>
<p>Your DH wants to now avoid the consequences of having passed on this info. I’d say he would get what he deserves if Kay ever does decide to confront them, and he really has no room to complain. </p>