<p>This will sound like a bunch of high school girls, but really all adult women in their 50’s and 60’s! A few months ago, there was a family gathering. “Kay” was not present - but I had seen her recently, taken a few pictures, and shared them with another family member, who was present. I thought “Kay” looked fine in the photos - it was a very casual spontaneous get together to see her grandchildren - she wore a t- shirt and leggings, and no makeup or fancy hairstyle. I would never have forwarded the photos on if I thought they looked bad - to me - she looked fine. So at this family gathering, “Kay’s” name comes up and several family members who are present proceed to gossip about her, including sharing the photos I had taken. (I was not at this gathering, but DH was there). They trash her appearance in the photos, gossip about her estrangement from her son, and other personal matters, etc. DH was upset by the conversation, but being a very non-confrontational person, he did nothing to shut it down. The trashing of “Kay” was extensive - we’re not talking about a quick remark.</p>
<p>DH and I saw “Kay” and her husband for dinner a few weeks after this family gathering. Much to my surprise - he brought it up - told “Kay” what was said - and how these 4 female relatives were very busy gossiping about her. She and her husband were understandably upset, but resolved to just put it aside as the other relatives live in another state and are not seen frequently.</p>
<p>All was quiet for a while, but now the ■■■■ looks like it is going to hit the fan. One of the gossiping relatives will be in town next week and has invited “Kay” and her husband to dinner. “Kay” is not comfortable going - and wants to tell her cousin exactly why she is not interested. My DH does not want his role in this family drama divulged. I think “Kay” has every right to confront her cousin, tell her she heard what was said, and decline the dinner invitation. But I can see a lot of family drama headed our way if “Kay” confronts her - it will be obvious my DH is the source. So, “Kay” has asked my opinion on what to do. (She also invited us to join as a buffer, which sounds so awkward). Should she decline the dinner invitation with no explanation given? Have it out? Go to dinner as if everything is fine?</p>
<p>Since you asked what we’d do - I’d let the nasty gossip drop. 50-60 is just too old for “who said what and to whom” shenanigans. I wouldn’t pursue dinners or get-togethers with the gossipy group, since they obviously think little of me. I wouldn’t find it necessary to have a come to Jesus meeting with them about it, certainly.</p>
<p>I am married to a dear man who occasionally puts his foot in his mouth and overshares. He has learned that there’s no upside to oversharing negative comments. Maybe your dh will learn the same thing? I wonder why he thought Kay needed to know about the gossipy relatives. </p>
<p>Thanks. I was very surprised when DH told her - we had not discussed doing that. I think he just wanted to warn her to be careful with what she shared with these cousins. I would want to know if friends/family were trashing me behind my back - would avoid further interactions with them. His intentions were good - but I don’t want an escalation of this already childish situation.</p>
<p>My 2 cents. Tell Kay to just say no to the dinner invite. If I was her, I would simply avoid gathering with those who said such ugly things about her. They clearly do not care for her. No need to give a reason for not attending. A simple no and let that end the conversation.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t want to know. I’d be very upset at my husband for sharing this with Kay which is only going to hurt her and stir up trouble. This is petty stuff, not a threat to Kay’s safety. Either confront those gossiping or zip it.</p>
<p>While you can’t go backwards, I really do not think your husband should have told Kay what the other relatives were saying about her behind her back. I see nothing good that could have come from that. It would only hurt Kay’s feelings, and cause a rift. Kay needs to decide for herself if she wants to get together with relatives that have been mean behind her back (now that she knows). I do NOT think Kay should confront these relatives because that would cause more problems all the way around. She’d have to divulge how she knew and your husband apparently told her in confidence. I think your husband should have stood up for Kay when the others were gossiping or at the very least, not gone ahead and told Kay. But at this point, Kay can decline the invitation and doesn’t need to give a reason why. Or she can act as if nothing happened, which it didn’t DIRECTLY between herself and these relatives. But I can see why she is hurt and so maybe she could decline for the time being and see how things go further down the line. I don’t think your hubby should have gotten involved and it just stirred up the pot more. Sorry to say this, even if he meant well. </p>
<p>I’ve been on the receiving end of finding out I was being “discussed” by my family. It was actually one of the discussers who used it as a way to “prove” to me that I was “wrong” about something. They wanted something from me (money, yet again), and this time I just walked away from the lot of them. Of course, it was a tipping point for me.</p>
<p>I would really be annoyed with my husband if he did something like that, though. I guess there’s no use in it, now. What’s done is done.</p>
<p>Two things - if I were Kay I would decline the invitation with a gracious excuse that she and her husband have other commitments during the time your cousins are in town. No explanation given. The other thought I have is that unless the photos were group photos, I would never share photos of another person without their permission. Some people are very uncomfortable with photos being shared of themselves or their children. Although I have no problem with it, I know many people who do.</p>
<p>Well, the cat is out of the bag. I agree that confrontation will take her nowhere. She might want to limit her contacts with the gossip girls in the future. </p>
<p>Although personally I would go to the dinner, pull out the same set of pictures, and start making comments while showing them, something like, “wow, I did not know leggings look so flattering on me! What do you think?” </p>
<p>I agree with the above: your DH should have kept his mouth shut, rather than passing on hurtful stories that didn’t need to see the light of day. Kay should feel free to simply decline and give no reason. She is under no obligation to subject herself to people who think so little of her. </p>
<p>Although it occurs to me that if your DH was clueless enough to pass on this story to Kay, he might also have been clueless enough to misinterpret or exaggerate the negativity of the remarks he heard. He might just be a dear, sweet, galoot when it comes to such things! :)</p>
<p>Differing opinion. “Kay” should go to dinner and see the relatives, enjoy the time and keep her mouth shut about the incident.<br>
I would make a guess (since you weren’t present and only heard your husband’s recounting) that he doesn’t know anything about women’s gossip–that what can sound mean to non-confrontational ears (i.e. hubbie) isn’t necessarily so. Women constantly comment on others looks (including close friends). He certainly had no business telling Kay.</p>
I bet your H has said he wishes he’d kept his mouth shut,
maybe it’s me but I rarely rarely find that those types of discussions are as bad as we think they are/sound after the fact. Lots of times it’s not everyone sitting and saying negative things. More often, in my experience at least, its “She looks really tired.” “Well, you know she’s been going thru a tough time with x/y/x.” “that really does take it’s toll” or there is an implicit “We” are getting old. I don’t know how well your H related the conversation. If this doesn’t fully ring true maybe he didn’t get all the emotional underpinings. You know his ability to read a situation best as well as these specific women. Just a thought. </p>
<p>“They trash her appearance in the photos” - Wow… hoping it was misinterpreted. It would be sad if adults were acting like middle school students. </p>
<p>Perhaps men are very different, but my H would have never divulged something like that without discussing it with me first. It’s just hard to process that it never came up between the two of you either before the dinner with Kay or during the car ride to the restaurant. Who just drops a bomb like that in the middle of dinner? </p>
<p>Although you describe him as non-confrontational, I am not so sure. Now he does not want his role in the mess known to the other women? If he was truly upset enough that he felt he had to divulge the comments to Kay, then he should be upset enough to let the other women know his feelings on the matter.</p>
<p>I think your husband was seriously out of line. If I were you, I’d be piling on the white lies to downplay the context – husband was in a cranky mood, was overly sensitive to any perceived slights toward Kay, etc. That is, unless you really feel as though the people at the party truly did not have Kay’s best interests at heart and were truly false friends. In that case, it is worth telling Kay that those folks are not really on her side.</p>
<p>(Flash memory: just recalled a situation in which one close friend took me aside and told me that another person whom I had considered a close friend had regaled the guests at her dinner party with the details of a very painful personal experience I had confided in her. Friend 2 used my personal trauma as entertainment at her dinner party. Friend 1 candidly told me that Friend 2 was “not a friend” but had just been fishing for details of my personal trauma to use as fodder for her next gathering. This information rang true, and I immediately cut off contact with Friend 2. i’m eternally gratefully to friend 1 for spilling the beans. Only you you can decide whether the dinner party behavior crossed that line.)</p>
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My DH does not want his role in this family drama divulged. I think “Kay” has every right to confront her cousin, tell her she heard what was said, and decline the dinner invitation. But I can see a lot of family drama headed our way if “Kay” confronts her - it will be obvious my DH is the source. </p>
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<p>In the future, tell H that if he doesn’t have the balls to speak up when it was appropriate (at the time of the gossip), then he needs to keep his mouth shut. </p>