<p>“I don’t think that makes me a bad mother.”</p>
<p>No one has called you a bad mom. But many of us has mentioned that yes, we ALL felt sad about this change. It is sad. That makes you a sad mom. It just is what it is.</p>
<p>
As often happens on threads like this, it’s hard for us sometimes to distinguish what you’re telling us from what you’re saying to him. So, for example, expressing your disappointment to him is fine (in my opinion), but laying a guilt trip on him would not be fine (again, in my opinion). The comment about why can’t he suck it up and do something for you once in a while is (once again, in my opinion) fine when expressed to us, but not so much if expressed to him.</p>
<p>And I wonder, would you actually want him to go because he feels likehe needs to “suck it up and do something for you once in a while,” while the whole time knowing that’s not what he wants to be doing or where he wants to be? Or would you rather know that he is happy?</p>
<p>I think you can and should vent here. You are a person completely unto yourself and you’ve had a disappointment. It’s ok to acknowledge that. I consider myself a good mother and would move heaven and earth for my kids, but this is the only life I get and there are still some things I want for myself. For example, I deeply regret never being able to stay home with my kids. Yes, they are great and benefited from my husband’s and my mother’s presence, but some things are about me. I wanted to be there and do the mommy stuff. Just like you understand that your son is older now and certainly want what’s going to make him happy, but there is nothing wrong with being disappointed, and there would be nothing wrong with wanting him to put your needs first in this instance. I often think that when kids grow up, we are all expected to step out, which is fine, but I also think that kids should sometimes step in when they are grown. If they are to be treated like adults, which they should, then they should act like it, too. Which means that relationships are mutual, no longer about mommy doing for you. Your son could, either here or on other issues, reasonably be expected to sometimes think of your needs and prioritize them ahead of his own if the situation warrants. That’s part of being in a truly adult relationship.</p>
<p>I get it. We can’t even seem to get everybody together for Christmas. It is ok for you to be sad about the vacation.</p>
<p>Fair enough, Hunt. What I’ve said to him is “let’s talk about this over winter break, because you know how I’ll need time to process” and he laughed and said “i don’t have to commit until January, so process away”. The “talk about it” part would be concerning his myriad health issues and how he plans to navigate the logistics of it all and what (if anything) he needs from us.</p>
<p>What zoosermom said? That’s what I meant.</p>
<p>We have 2 boys, ages 23 and 26. If we can get them to pose with us for a holiday picture we are happy.</p>
<p>I got a lot of grief within my family last year at Thanksgiving. My mother has been ill and is failing in a big way, so when she expressed a desire to go to North Carolina to see my favorite niece and her family I was all over it because, even a year ago, it was clear that there won’t be anymore trips for my mother. In order to make it happen, we had to leave my oldest daughter at home because she was working and also to take care of the dog. It wasn’t the ideal situation, but the alternatives were to stay home and accommodate my daughter (who still half teasingly guilts me about the diner food she had for Thanksgiving) or put myself first and have the opportunity to be with my mother, her granddaughter and her great granddaughter for the absolutely only time. I put me first and I’m not sorry. Ultimately, my daughter was glad we got this opportunity even if it involved a small sacrifice for her. We raised her to be a loving and generous person. This is that.</p>
<p>I only have one child, so if he is busy, or doesn’t want to travel, that’s it. Now his g/f is on opposite coast, and they are trying hard to visit every few weeks. She has a large family, so wants to be with them, and son wants to be with her. So, I flew to visit him for a weekend. And in 2 weeks, i’ll be joining the g/f’s family. I think it is very nice of the g/f’s mother to invite me.</p>
<p>I know my son isn’t trying to hurt me. He wants me to get to know his friend and her family. OP, your son’s friend sounds like a real keeper, so you will continue to be flexible. Focus on the son who will be around, because, sooner or later, he too will have a love interest and that will be a priority. After all, she is doing something terrific over the break, not dragging him off to a wild beach party.</p>
<p>I think it’s more of a realization of how things change and how things aren’t going to be the way they used to be.</p>
<p>This is the first year both of the kids are out of college and working. I am so thrilled that my S and D have the week off between Christmas and New Years and they want to spend it at home. What I am not so thrilled about is that with family obligations we will not have one day we can spend as our family. My mother just called and she is coming the day after Christmas and staying until the kids have to leave. Now I am glad she is coming, but it’s really hard because it’s all about her. She seems to think that my kids should be willing to tell her everything they would tell their parents and she was put out last year when the kids left and spent some time together. They had not seen each other in a year and I was thrilled they wanted to spend time together. </p>
<p>So between seeing all the grandparents and aunts and uncles it’s going to be a hectic 10 days. When they were college at least they got another week and I got to spend some quality time with them. This is my new reality and it’s not fun.</p>
<p>But it is so hard when your kids live so far and have their own lives. Just mourning what was and how it will be.</p>
<p>Sorry just having a pity party today.</p>
<p>It IS a little hard when we want them to still be in feety pajamas opening their presents with stars in their eyes, running out to play in the snow together and sitting giggling as they write their Santa lists. BUT, if I’ve learned one thing as I’ve watched my kids grow up, it’s that you learn to enjoy what you HAVE, not what you HAD.</p>
<p>Last night we decorated the tree-on a weeknight because it was the only time my older D wasn’t working. After that, she and her older brother hung out for the first time in weeks, sitting in my living room playing a game. Not long ago the two of them went indoor rock climbing. Their dad and I used to take them when they were little and now they jump into S’s car and go off together. I love seeing them hang out, even if it is without me. </p>
<p>For me at this point, there’s a bit of wistfulness, but not outright SADNESS. My goal was raising them to be self-sufficient and have lives of their own. They are and they do. That doesn’t mean I’m not part of their lives, but it does mean that I don’t get to insist on when and where I fit in.</p>
<p>“It’s not about the vacation itself, truly. But I’m puzzled by some of the posts — I don’t see anything wrong with me accepting that we raised him make his own choices, and this is a good one AND asking him to accept that I’m a person, and people have feelings, and mine right now is sad and disappointed.”</p>
<p>I know exactly what you mean. I wonder when it is that my kids will finally realize that the person who has spent their entire life trying to make things better for them actually deserves some of the consideration they would give any friend. That moms shouldn’t always be last priority and just there to do whatever they need. That maybe, every now and then, it is about us instead.</p>
<p>So now I feel guilty and I’m going to call my own mother and help her with that project she’s been working on.</p>
<p>I’m sure if your son said something like, “I’m sorry Mom, I feel like I have to go on the trip, my girlfriend really needs me. I wish I could go on a trip with you, can we do it another time…I love you,” it would be a lot easier to shake off the disappointment.</p>
<p>These transitions make it easier to understand out own parents and their wishes that never come true. My MIL dearly would like us all to get together for a family portrait with everyone in it, but it may never happen. She has six living children, plus spouses and grandchildren, some of whom are now marrying. Her husband, my step FIL, has three kids of his own plus spouses and grandchildren. We live on both coasts and a couple of states in the Midwest. Even at the last family wedding there were a couple of family members who couldn’t attend. </p>
<p>We haven’t all been together in the same place at the same time in years. </p>
<p>Which doesn’t mean that we aren’t a close knit group. We are. But I’ve been a part of this family for 30 years, since most of the siblings were still living at home, and I don’t think there was ever a family vacation that included everyone. Most of the weddings have included all the adults, but not necessarily all the grandkids. We are all happy whenever any combination of us is together.</p>
<p>I’m so glad you raised this, green- because I’ve been having trouble this year, too, facing that D1 is a senior in college. I wanted to make one big trip (with palm trees!) before D1 grads- she and D2 wanted it, too. For a few reasons, can’t find a way. (And, DH is resolutely against the palms thing, anyway.)</p>
<p>Yes, sometimes I go through the same “me” thing. How we cope is that we capture those moments we do have. I try to look at the small things, the small positives that will matter in the long run. (Your son’s comments are touching; he sounds like a great young man.) Our summer sched is so bad, with both girls working plus their friends’ schedules, that for the past two years we only made it to an outdoor music event as the linchpin together/away thing. (We try to go once each summer, since they were little.) We elevate the status of the small things, knowing that what will bind us is simple. </p>
<p>So, no trip for us. But today, each girl called with some news that got me teary eyed- little things that confirmed our relationships, despite sometimes having rocky periods. That’s what’s “priceless.” Glass half full. Your son’s willingness to talk about this fits that, for me. Hope this works out for you. Best wishes.</p>
<p>ECCrazy: photoshop!</p>
<p>My own little immediate family is at the point where it is becoming increasingly difficult for us to coordinate a family vacation. The five of us did take a week long vacation together last summer, but who knows when we’ll have another. That vacation took place because it was for an extended family member’s (DH’s youngest sister) wedding, and it was out of the country. We really didn’t give our kids a choice about going. The two college aged kids just had to work around that week of vacation as they made summer plans. (We had almost a years’s notice to make plans, however.)</p>
<p>But generally, we’ve hit the point when DH and I make vacation plans and include the kids who can come along, but don’t expect them all to go.</p>
<p>I fully commiserate with missing our children, wanting as much time with them as possible and yes, being disappointed at times at decisions they may make in terms of our time together (think of ALL the time they spend sleeping in when they could be up early in the kitchen with me having a cup of coffee! Wink,wink). </p>
<p>It was words like “ordering him around” , “just suck it up to be with me” and that kind of thing that struck me as a problem in what Greenbutton is trying to say. </p>
<p>Could it be since no real plans were set in stone or even etched that he was not bonded to the idea of a family trip and instead went with the “sure thing” happening - the mission trip ???</p>
<p>Be sad, but try to move forward and see what you can do to have you BOTH/ALL carve some time out to spend together. Best of luck.</p>
<p>We went on many family vacations when kids were growing up. D1 went with us on all of our trips until she was self supporting and her vacation schedule just didn’t permit her to go with us. She has a long time BF of 3 years, and he has gone with us a few times. This year was the first time she went on a vacation with her BF and not with us. It did make me sad, but it is a long distance relationship and they do not get to see each other very often. I expect D2 to continue to go vacations with us until she is out of college. To entice her, I let her pick the venue. D2 has told us where she wants to go for her spring break. I am wondering if I could convince D1 to come.</p>
<p>As far as holiday goes, I think until our girls are married they will continue to be home for major holidays. I don’t see any reason for them to go to their BF’s house for xmas or Thanksgiving, and I wouldn’t ask their BF to come to our place either. My siblings and I have spent every xmas with my parents. Lucky for them that their in-laws also live within driving distance of my parents, so they would spend xmas morning with my parens and go to their in-laws in the afternoon. My H is not very close to his parents because of a divorce situation, so I’ve never had to deal with it.</p>