<p>S2 emailed me yesterday to say he wants to go on a mission trip over all of his spring break. This would be with a small faith-based group he participates in marginally but the gf is in charge of the trip and he wants to go. This of course means that our plans to travel somewhere (as yet undetermined and in any case, not very far or glam) as a family would be cancelled. </p>
<p>I want to be fair, and all that, but honestly I just feel so rejected and disappointed. We don’t get to do much together anymore (something I opined about over Thanksgiving, as the menfolk were all on laptops) and S2 will be out of school soon and S1 will hopefully be on his own sooner than that. We cancelled our first-ever trip to NC (over that same Thanksgiving break) because of the money needed for S2’s housing, so I was really hoping to try and do something – anything — together in the spring. But I know he’s too old to order around, and of course the gf is more important to him. I remember how that feels. So talk sense into me, people…</p>
<p>It’s part of kids growing up. Yes, it would be nice to have everyone together but it doesn’t always happen. Plan an “off” cycle vacation, over the summer or something. Our kids are going on a trip with their school over spring break. DH and I are taking advantage of this to go somewhere together, without kids. Something we haven’t done in several years.</p>
<p>I know how you feel greenbutton, but that is how it goes. I have three kids and it’s been a few years since all three were available for a real vacation. The only time all of us have been together the last few years have been for national holidays and HS/College graduations. I added a couple of days onto my daughters college graduation so we could visit a bit longer. It’s hard. </p>
<p>My son’s college had a family ski weekend last winter (he’s in Vermont) so my husband went up for that. Instead of trying to get everyone together, think of shorter breaks with maybe just one or two family members. I went out alone to visit my daughter when she was in grad school and we had a great long weekend together.</p>
<p>“We cancelled our first-ever trip to NC (over that same Thanksgiving break) because of the money needed for S2’s housing”</p>
<p>This raises two questions:
Is your family in the habit of making family trips? Or is it just that you missed this particular one because of money?
If your family couldn’t afford a trip because of S2’s housing bill, why does he think he’s got the cash to pay for the expenses of this mission trip? </p>
<p>How solid does the relationship with this girl seem to be? What is your son’s plan for spring break if they have a falling out the day before the trip? Will he still go? You may want to have a back-up plan.</p>
<p>Maybe you can score a long weekend for family time. As kids get older, you get smaller doses of them.</p>
<p>And yes, he is to old to “order” around! Sounds like the trip he wants to go on is not total “vacation” - be proud of him for making a good choice, helping others and being confident to say “yes, this is something I want to make happen in my life.”</p>
<p>I know it’s very hard to plan vacations with kids going in very different directions, and the older they get the more we feel “this may be the last opportunity we get, so if it doesn’t happen now it NEVER will!!”. I really wouldn’t take his decision as choosing the gf over your family. College students spending their spring break holiday with their peers is fairly normal, or I should say it’s not out of the ordinary. Our expectation was that our son pay for whatever he decided to do over spring break, it be reasonably safe and organized, but that time was his to relax and decharge however he wished.</p>
<p>
This is an emotionally charged and fairly loaded statement. If you choose to cancel the trip that’s entirely up to you, but you can’t put that pressure, and especially that guilt on your son. The vacation was for the entire family, not just him. You do have another son that was probably looking forward to this vacation as well. If you plan to reschedule the vacation at a time the four of you can do something I would make that clear to S2 so he doesn’t feel he’s being penalized, and try to find some fun, local, ‘staycation’ type activities to do with him during that week.</p>
<p>We have three boys, and with one working full time, one in college, and one still in hs spring break never lines up as a good vacation time. We have found doing something alone with our younger son has been really fun. We don’t have a large budget so don’t misunderstand me. We have found lots of creative things to do, with S3’s input, and really enjoyed the one on one time with him.</p>
<p>1) No, we aren’t, which is part of angst. We don’t go on many trips at all-- the guys are in school and work all summer, so when we do, the point of the whole thing is to go together. I think the last trip was a long 2-day stay in DC, 2.5 years ago. The NC trip was supposed to be a “bucket list” moment but in the end I just felt like it was financially unwise and we cancelled. </p>
<p>2) He would pay for it himself, so if he were to cancel, that’d be on him. His school obligations are for books, food, and miscellaneous. I have no intention of paying the modest cost (they are staying in a church) . He thinks he has the money because, well, he’s 19.</p>
<p>The gf has been around 2.5 years – longer as friends. We are immensely fond of her, ourselves. We do things with S1 and S2 independantly, and they do things independantly. I would never “guilt” him into coming, not much to be gained there, but he knows full well how we roll and what he’s asking.</p>
<p>Remember that this girlfriend might be around for a long time, and the kind of person who organizes a mission trip at spring break is someone I would want to welcome into my family. Even if they break up down the line, you are setting a pattern for welcoming future serious girlfriends into his life and your family’s life.
I think you say to him that the spring break mission trip sounds like an great opportunity, you are proud of him and you understand the scheduling conflict. Then you say, let’s look at our calendars for the summer and plan a time when we can take a family trip.</p>
<p>By the way…I felt like someone ripped my heart out every time D demonstrated that she was the strong independent woman I had raised her to be. My reactions always came as a surprise to even me. Step back and remember these things are good. You miss him, love him and want to spend time with him because he is a great guy. But he is also becoming an independent young man. Start making plans that are more flexible and take into account who he has become.</p>
<p>I would plan a trip anyway. Last summer, I planned a summer family trip and S opted out. He had plans with his friends. I was disappointed but didn’t cancel. </p>
<p>Do you have other kids at home? If not, then plan something with H. My two college kids will not be home for spring break but we still have one more at home. DH and I are planning a short trip with her.</p>
<p>S2 has been going with GF for at least 3 years. They’ve known each other for 4 1/2, and we’re not sure exactly when it started. It is now a long-distance relationship for a year and a half since she graduated a year before him. He brought her home for Thanksgiving although we had met her once previously. But now he’s spending Christmas AND New Year’s with her family. It’ll just be us and S1 for Christmas and we’ll be alone for New Year’s. That will be a first, so I understand how you feel. You just have to grin and bear it when they get to that age.</p>
<p>Oh, musicamusica, I so agree. Sometimes, at this age, the very best we can do is sending the love, as often as we can, letting them know. </p>
<p>I agree about a small trip, maybe something near his college or a nearby area of interest. We find that the small “intensives” are just as solidifying, meaningful and memory-making. Both of mine will be gone for New Years and D1 hs spring plans. We have to “get out of town” to wrangle all of us- but it will probably be a day or two in the closest big city or maybe just a dinner on the water, while they are home in December. Something that feels special.</p>
<p>One year I was adjuncting at a local college and I went on a spring break service trip with students while H took D and S on vacation. It was all very interesting and quite an experience for the students. I hope our S or D will choose to do something like this in college. </p>
<p>In the past we have often vacationed on spring break, but next year there are 4 schools involved with non-overlapping breaks and there is just no way :(.</p>
<p>lookingforward ~ those small “intensives” you mention are the only trips we’ve taken in the past 15 years. And I almost wish our breaks were non-coordinated, because then there would be no expectation you could do anything together. I understand that he is building a life of his own, I really do. But I can’t be the only parent who feels like once in a while our children could be the ones to suck it up and give up something they want, for me, instead of the other way around. (Oh gosh, that’s maudlin. I must need chocolate!)</p>
<p>Your family rarely travels, which means that even though you personally look forward to time together with them, they truly aren’t habituated to the whole “family trip” thing. It is entirely possible that you are the only one who cares. If that is the case, then you are the only one who can help yourself sort though your emotions about this. Your family members are just not going to get it.</p>
<p>The way it worked in my family growing up and with my own kids is that once you’re 18 and/or out of the house, you’re not obligated to go on family trips because, well, you’re 18 and and adult who gets to make your own decisions. But that didn’t mean there was no family time together ever again. It was just different.</p>
<p>Some of my fondest memories of time spent with my parents are of AFTER I was living on my own and went back for visits. And the memories are even fonder after I had kids of my own to share with them. If my mother ever missed the family trips with us in tow, she never once mentioned. </p>
<p>My parents as empty nesters made new memories for themselves. They took cruises, they visited places they couldn’t have afforded to take all 5 of us. They volunteered together. And they had frequent family dinners open to any of us still in town. Maybe that’s the sort of direction you should go.</p>
<p>My own two older kids get to make their own plans because at 23 and 28 they’re allowed to do that. Do I welcome the time they spend with me? Sure. Do I pine away for their younger days? Sometimes, but don’t tell them that. That’s on me, though.</p>
<p>You S sounds pretty sensible and I agree with the others that a GF who does mission work instead of getting drunk and stripping on a beach somewhere for spring break sounds like my kind of GF. It’s really not your choice, though, if your S is paying his own way.</p>
<p>“As the family changes, the family vacations change.”</p>
<p>To the extent this is primarily about meeting your needs, by all means try to get the kid to conform to you model of what a “family vacation” is.</p>
<p>As parents we are still helping our kid to grow and learn, so if it’s a good opportunity for the kid to grow and mature, his needs should STILL take precedence and you should let him go.</p>
<p>Besides, best way to learn how to let go of your kids graciously is to let go graciously :-)</p>
<p>Green button, I think most of us do treasure those family trips - long or short - with our kids. And we also are a bit sad when the first trip comes around when the whole family can’t go. But read your posts a couple of times. Do you really want your son to “suck it up” and go just to satisfy your dream idea of vacation? Be in love with the vacation, not just the idea of the “perfect” one. </p>
<p>Just think, he can go on his and you can go on yours then you can chat and share photos about both of them! (This is said by someone who has never had more than a 3-4 day inexpensive trip with my kids - Disney world and such just didn’t fit in our gameplan)</p>
<p>Maybe this is about more,than the loss of the vacation???</p>
<p>(I wrote a post, and the server ate it…sigh…)</p>
<p>It’s not about the vacation itself, truly. But I’m puzzled by some of the posts — I don’t see anything wrong with me accepting that we raised him make his own choices, and this is a good one AND asking him to accept that I’m a person, and people have feelings, and mine right now is sad and disappointed. I don’t think that makes me a bad mother. I’m sure he will go, and have a great time, and all that. But I’m not going to pretend it initially made me jump for joy, either.</p>