<p>My sister and I were raised working class. I went to college, she didn’t. I’ve already stepped in and saved her older kid. Her bully, ignorant husband was going to “make him grow up” in community college (that I don’t think they understand costs money, as they have zero savings, but the step-dad pretends he’s a big shot). My wife and I recognized the kid was supremely precocious, we encouraged him to apply to certain schools, and we’re now paying his tuition (after scholarships) at a top 15 school.</p>
<p>Now we’re trying to save his little brother from being doomed. We offered to pay for Kumon and private school, after standardized tests I requested revealed he’s basically a grade level behind (the crappy school gives him B-pluses in everything). The “bread winning” husband refuses. This kid is so doomed. It’s to the point where we’re considering writing off the family because we can’t take watching this unfold.</p>
<p>You know…I would,say you are being very generous…but you are also being mighty insulting to others who don’t happen to share your value system. </p>
<p>Honestly, if you can’t be gracious, all of the generousity in the world won’t make a bit of difference.</p>
<p>Giving the kids opportunities they might not have, yes. Saving them from doom…presumptuous. Graciously offer to tutor and see what happens when college application time rolls along. </p>
<p>I think your attitude is problematic on many levels, but to answer your question : cutting out the family because they do not or will not agree to take what you offer will do these kids absolutely no good. Better to leave that door open, and keep it open just in case things change. </p>
<p>Your intentions and generosity are wonderful and you are doing a great thing for your nephew who is already in college. I do think you maybe need to bring your offer for tutoring to them in a softer manner – not that it is a life or death thing he has to do, but it may be something he would want to do. And your younger nephew would have to let his mom know that he wants the extra work commitment in order to improve academically for it to make sense. If he doesn’t want to do it, then forget it. In any event, I would never walk away from family. See what happens and what he is ready for come college application time. And I wouldn’t say that you younger nephew would be “doomed” if he started at CC. Do your best to help and try to encourage without making it seem that you are imposing your will on them.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine why you would consider cutting out that family. At a minimum, you can be a good role model to those kids, encouraging their education, etc.</p>
<p>and just because Child #2 may not end up in a top school, doesn’t mean that you can’t encourage him to go wherever is best for him. </p>
<p>Every kid who goes to CC is not “doomed”. My ex-H went to CC, transferred to Michigan, and then graduated from Georgetown Law School. You are being overly dramatic, which pretty clearly does not help the situation. </p>
<p>My husband started at an Ivy, then went to a CC…which he says was the best move he ever made. He then finished his degree at a four year school. He certainly wasn’t doomed because he went to a CC. That is more than dramatic. It’s actually a bit mean spirited. </p>
<p>I agree that the idea that a student would be doomed if he started at a CC is too extreme.</p>
<p>Keep in mind that you’re walking on thin ice. The parents won’t be co-operative if you display beliefs that THEY are or must be doomed because they weren’t educated as you think people should be.</p>
<p>Actually, if the younger brother is testing out at a grade level behind right now, he may not make it in community college, and that includes vocational programs as well. If that is his trajectory, his longterm employment outlook is problematic.</p>
<p>I do understand your sense of urgency and worry. If there were points in your life you weren’t sure if your dad would have another paycheck, it causes a real sinking feeling to think this might happen again to your sister and her kids. Still, I do agree with the others that you have to soften your language.</p>
<p>What is little brother interested in? Does he like building things? Mechanical things? Computers? Is there any way he can shadow people doing some of these things and perhaps have an informational interview to find out what it takes to do a job he thinks might be interesting? That might spark his interest in tutoring or trying to do more to reach something that appeals to him and his folks. It won’t be as abstract and he won’t feel he has to be his older brother, and no, he’s not DOOMED, but could have a future he is more excited about.</p>
<p>My husband’s family ranges from high school dropout to PhD. No one is doomed. Yes, some make more money than others but overall everyone is doing well, making their way in the world. Not everyone had the emotional maturity to go to college at 18. Time will tell if they attend later in life.</p>
<p>Instead of fixing on one path, be there for the younger child (think of the message you would send to <em>him</em> if you just drop the family - he’s not worth it). Support his interests now. But also let him know you will be there for him like you are doing for his brother.</p>
<p>Did his brother go to the same “crappy” school? If the brothers are going through the same system, maybe the younger child isn’t doing as poorly as you think. </p>
<p>I agree that you come off as patronizing to a family with different financial and educational ideas. You don’t need to “save” anyone. Give advice or help if you are asked; otherwise leave their decisions alone. Not everyone needs to go to 4 years of college. My electrician makes a very good living.</p>
<p>I think your idea that these kids are “doomed” is problematic. I’ve known kids who started at CC and are anything but doomed. The father’s attitude towards your help could also be his resentment at feeling judged.</p>
<p>We once suggested that a very bright child of family members ( who had not gone to college ) apply to some colleges, and the family dug their heels in. We backed off. Other family members got involved in helping this child go away to college, even co-signing loans, but once he got there, he spent most of his time partying. I don’t think he finished.</p>
<p>It is possible that the parents were reluctant because they knew he wasn’t ready, but gave into pressure from other family members. Or it is possible that they held on to him so tightly that once out of the house, he took advantage of the freedom. I’ll never know. I would agree with being a positive role model, and being available for guidance, but sometimes we need to also realize that there are limits to what we can- or should- do. </p>
<p>The kids are fortunate to have you in their lives! You may be the only cheerleader this kid has - please don’t pull away from him! A path different from his older sibling is just as valid. Please don’t discount a different path, a path that includes B’s and maybe academic delays or developmental delays. Kids are individuals who grow at individual paces - continue to honor that.</p>
<p>I agree with the others here that the children are very lucky to have you and your wife so willing to help out. You do have to go with the flow of the core family when dealing with nieces/nephews, other people’s kids. My brother just turned down offers for us to pay for Kumon even as my sweet niece is so far behind in math, and really needs some focus in that area. </p>
<p>Your nephew might flourish at a schools that do take students like him, I think that you are willing to help pay for options out of their price range will give him a lot of options going away to school. I know lots of kids who are doing well at CCs and communting, but it’s quite the luxury and privilege to get to go away, and some home environments aren’t as conducive for kids getting to focus on school, so, yes, there is often that value. But please don’t diss those who do commute to a CC. I know a number who have done quite well indeed. My friend’s DIL went to her local CC, then to a local 4 year state school, got her degree in Early Childhood Education, is now doing quite well teaching at a very nice school, making more than her husband who did graduate from a top 25 school. And loving her job, to boot. </p>
<p>Your help may have made an important difference for the high-achieving older kid.</p>
<p>But for the younger one, it could be counterproductive. He’s not doing as well, but he’s in a family that seems willing to accept that and understands that one can have a decent life anyway. Maybe he’s better off with them than with you.</p>
<p>I just think the OP needs to have an attitude other than “my way or the highway,” which is what his first post suggests.</p>
<p>Parents can get touchy when they’re being told that their standards are inadequate, so tread lightly. Your standards in regards to education are DIFFERENT, and may be more similar to those of us posting, but you are dealing with a family who is coming from a different perspective. (that said, none of us thinks a child who starts at a CC is doomed.)</p>
<p>You mention a step-dad…hmmm…well, we all know that there are some awesome SP’s out there, but we also know that there are a bunch who could give two flips about the future of any of their stepkids. </p>
<p>Perhaps, this step-dad’s attitude exists because he has no interest in supporting anything that is going to cost the household any (of his) money. And maybe he doesn’t want to be “shown up” by having stepkids who are more successful than he is. He likely has already picked up on the fact that you don’t think highly of him…lol.</p>
<p>There could be a LOT going on in the background. You mention the jerky SD, but what is the mom’s stance? Does she have a voice or is she stifled? </p>
<p>If you can’t politely encourage the younger son to “get back on track” grade-wise now, then encourage him to start at a CC on a track that favors his interests and will likely lead to a successful transfer later. CC’s take kids as they are…behind…or whatever. He may have to start with sub-100 math and English classes…that’s ok. This isn’t a race.</p>
<p>What are this kid’s strengths? Computers? History? Business? Sales? something else? Or, maybe his strengths are in something like becoming a plumber, electrician, etc. Some CCs offer training in these areas. </p>
<p>If he has a pleasant personality, then business can be a very good option. </p>
<p>There are lots of reasons for being “basically a year behind” and Kumon and/or a private school are not appropriate treatment for all of them. In fact, if the issue is a learning disability, Kumon and the private school you have in mind could well be the worst possible treatment!</p>
<p>Step back from the edge. Find something you like about this younger nephew, and enjoy that. Focus your energy on loving the nephew you have, behindness and all, and eventually you may find a new best way to be a positive influence in his life.</p>
<p>Uh, my husband and my older daughter both went to our local CC. My husband was a returning adult student and to this day, we are thankful for the instructors and professors there. The tuition was affordable and at the time we had two babies and one income plus daycare and a mortgage payment. </p>
<p>BTW, one of his math instructors was a retired University of Chicago professor! My husband transferred to the local flagship public to finish his engineering degree. He didn’t think the 4-year provided as good an education as he experienced at the CC. </p>
<p>My daughter completed her freshman year at the CC and then transferred into a nursing program at a state U. She’ll be a RN by next summer. If that’s doomed, I’m happily doomed. As for my younger daughter, she is at a LAC and I went to Berkeley. </p>
<p>Lots of families have differing educational backgrounds, beliefs, and income levels. My view: demonstrate to both boys that your love for them is unconditional by respecting their individual capabilities and interests through your words and deeds. As another poster said, what message does it send to the younger son if you stopped being a part of his life b/c he’s not going to an Ivy or maybe heads to the CC first?</p>
<p>Someone on another thread used the phrase: love the kid on the couch. That’s it. Ivy leaguer, CC student, or tech school guy, love the kid on the couch.You’ve been a terrific advocate and benefactor to the older son. However, I figure it’s a package deal and that you should do the same for the younger one. Each has different gifts and capabilities. It was easy to figure out the first son. Now go figure out the second and help him find his way. </p>