Favoring a specific school for your kid

<p>I find myself rooting for a specific school for my daughter.</p>

<p>The others she likes are great schools, so why do I want her to attend MY choice?</p>

<p>It's a funny phenomenon, I wonder why this happens, why I am invested in a choice when there is no particular reason why I should be.....</p>

<p>Me: "Have you considered XXX college?"</p>

<p>Her: "Dad!?!"</p>

<p>OK, I'll shut up now.</p>

<p>I did. But none of my kid shared my view. This time around, (I'm a slow learner; this is #4,) I'm keeping my mouth shut.</p>

<p>I'm doing my best to remain objective, and the school in question is on my d's list - it's just that I wonder why I want her to go to this one more than others, especially as I know my primary concern is for her to be happy and find a good fit, and she knows that best herself.</p>

<p>We agreed that Son would apply to one school just cuz Mom likes it. I think the same deal will apply for D a year from now.</p>

<p>My H is having a problem with this. When we first looked at the 6-8 schools that S was considering, H liked school #5 which he had been unfamiliar with before our visit and was not real crazy about school #1 which was a top ranked school. S was accepted to both schools but got really nice merit aid from school #5 and nothing from school #1 which gives no merit aid. I thought H would be happy when S chose the school that offered merit aid. NOOOO! H is still complaining even though it was obvious that school #1 was not a good fit. Maybe having to defend his choice to his dad has made S feel better about #5, but I hate the comments that H is still making.</p>

<p>Best thing I ever read on this forum....remember your KID is going to college, not you.</p>

<p>I had my opinions about the schools but they were NEVER discussed with my kids unless they asked by opinions...and they didn't!!</p>

<p>My H really has trouble with this as well. With this current kid, he is not happy with a number of his choices and is having trouble keeping his mouth shut. Going into lecture mode over this is not a smart idea.</p>

<p>The thing that is ridiculous about it is of course any comments I make will NOT improve the chances that d will pick the school I prefer.</p>

<p>I <em>strongly</em> encouraged my DD to apply to a university back 7 years ago. She didn't have a good experience with the admissions rep who visited her school (she thought he was snooty), had a dreadful time arranging an interview (they didn't call back, though she left several messages), thought the campus looked too clean, tidy and sterile and the other applicants too formally-dressed when we visited, didn't want to go to a school in our state and certainly not in that city, typed the admissions essay in the car on a laptop which promptly died, losing all her work... Applied to 8 schools, got into all of them w/merit aid, including the one I insisted she apply to. Attended the admitted student weekend, and called me in the middle of it to tell me that this was the school she wanted to attend. She had a wonderful 4 years at that school!<br>
So OP, go ahead and root for a school! (But let your kid make the decision in the end, if finances work out)</p>

<p>I had strong opinions about which schools with all three of my kids, and am not known for keeping my opinions to myself. </p>

<p>All three went elsewhere.</p>

<p>Edited to add: I was 100% on board by the time they went.</p>

<p>I started out with some pretty strong opinions about schools, which D1 only partially shared. She had strong opinions, too. That led to a lot of back-and-forth discussion, most of it very positive and productive and informative and revealing, not hostile. In the process we both learned a lot about what she wanted in a school, what I wanted for her, and what she wanted to avoid. In the end she was accepted ED into her first choice school and we're all (D1, DW & I) extremely happy with the choice; it seems like just about a perfect fit. It's not a school I would have chosen for myself, nor one I initially would have chosen for her, but I now understand why she chose the school she did. I feel I know her better, and she better knows herself. Strong opinions are not a negative, as long as you know to keep them in their place.</p>

<p>
[quote]
I find myself rooting for a specific school for my daughter.</p>

<p>The others she likes are great schools, so why do I want her to attend MY choice?

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I guess it's a weak form of projection? ;)</p>

<p>That aside, I am not a parent, but as a student who experienced - and bent to - parental pressure to attend a particular school, I do not think it is wise to continue pushing a certain option, lest your daughter end up matriculating at an institution she is not altogether thrilled with out of a fear of displeasing you. Granted, she can adapt, but I do not think there is any parent who wants to force-feed their child the bitter pill of regret.</p>

<p>I only wish S had some strong opinions about schools! We only went on three visits; one was to H's and my alma mater, a state non-flagship in my hometown where S has been a hundred times, the other two I had to force on him. He liked a border-state flagship and got in, but got much better financing with the other two. He finally agreed to go to Alma Mater because he didn't want to go into debt up to his eyebrows for his first choice. If he'd looked around more, Im sure he would have gotten better results, but he's the type who is easily overwhelmed when presented with a lot of choices. Oh well ...</p>

<p>My D1 ended up attending the school I favored and thought was a great fit for her. But it was not her first choice. I really wanted her to apply ED to the school I favored. She wanted to apply ED to another. </p>

<p>As much as I disliked giving up authority and forcing my opinion (as parents do), I said, go ahead sweety and apply where you want. She applied ED to her favorite and got deferred. She ultimately got denied from her first choice but got in to my favorite. </p>

<p>She attended the school I favored and loved it. She had a great academic experience, made life-long friends and acquired a great job upon graduation.</p>

<p>I rooted for Princeton for both of my daughters. D1 got waitlisted but didn't stay on the wait list. She just wasn't as impressed as I was. D2 was even less impressed. She didn't even apply.</p>

<p>Both got accepted to Berkeley - another school I was rooting for. Neither one would give it the time of day.</p>

<p>So much for the powerful effect of my rooting.</p>

<p>My d went to the college that made the most sense neither of our first choices, but she is ecstatically happy!!!!</p>

<p>One of my kids didn't go to the school that we thought would be the best fit for him. He went to another...dropped out. (Don't shake, he's doing extremely well.) Daughters went to the school I was rooting for: one for a specific program tied for number 1 in the United States, the other because she had no idea what she wanted to do with her life. Since this is a large school with many options we thought that it would be a good fit.</p>

<p>I have retired my pompoms until the next generation.</p>

<p>I do have a favorite among the schools my daughter is considering.</p>

<p>She's visited some, with a few more visits coming in the fall. So far, she likes them all, but doesn't have a clear favorite. I started to press her, but soon realized that having a favorite is inviting heartbreak. It's probably better for her to keep thinking she could probably be happy at any of the schools on her list.</p>

<p>Now I just have to make myself think that way, too.</p>

<p>My son preferred one school over another but attended the less favored one because his father strongly advised it (on the grounds that the school my son liked less had a better program in his intended major). This turned out well, but I can easily see how it might not have.</p>