I know a family with a kid like this, who was finally diagnosed with ADHD by the college. The parents just didn’t understand the source of the problems with lateness, not doing chores, last minute papers and so on and tended to blame, judge and enforce consequences. The kid is now grown with a good career but the relationship is distant with parents. I am not saying this is you. But as someone else mentioned, relationship is the priority long term.
If he has an ADHD diagnosis does he have a 504 plan at school with accommodations? Replacing parental support with other people supporting can be a bridge to “adulting”. There are therapists and ADHD coaches who can be that bridge. Landmark in Vermont can provide a list. Coaches are out of pocket and therapists are often covered by insurance. Psychology Today has a therapist finder.
Adulting and launching can be a long process in this day and age…into the 30’s I have read (and experienced!).
My mid-30’s kid has severe ADHD (and bipolar 1). Believe me I get it. This kid is having trouble applying to jobs. At this point I hear more info on what is happening if I bring food and/or flowers and wait for them to tell me. Direct questions will cause them to shut down.
Sympathies to you and to your son as well.