My son was diagnosed on spectrum when he was younger, had ABA for 5 years or so, then speech to help with social cuing as well as other issues. He also had OT for about 10 years, sensory integration/feeding issues, etc. Also vision therapy for a year. He doesn’t have an IEP but does have a 504. He used to be brilliant as a kid but as he has gotten older he is falling further and further behind because he doesn’t have the “life skills”/maturity to do what needs to be done. He has an incredible memory which is why ASL is a perfect fit, he likes things to fit the rules. I highly suspect he has ADHD but my hubby refuses to discuss this as an option he just thinks I am too soft. He has executive functioning issues that I have been trying to help support with. My son refuses to address these issues professionally he is embarassed. He would be devastated to go to a camp where there were a bunch of ADHD or ASD kids. He has improved and sometimes he needs coaching to get the job done. In middle school he had a project that needed a particular type of paper that the teacher passed out. He lost it, I prompted him to ask for a new one. Teacher gave him one, then he crumpled it and didn’t tell me. Then, my son refuses to ask for another one since the teacher made a big deal about being responsible. So he got a zero on the assignment, I let him fail, but it was a huge debate at our house. Then he ended up getting a C in pe for the semester! His response was that PE doesn’t matter anyway. He earns A’s in pretty much everything but has a hard time focusing to study. He finishes all assignments, but he doesn’t spend enough time studying for tests sometimes. He is likely to have such a good memory because it doesn’t take long compared to other kids. He doesn’t ever just hang out with friends, there is always a purpose. When there is a purpose he is very engaged and is respected. (camping, hiking, biking, golf, paddleboarding). He had a job as an umpire a couple years ago and he was excellent at it, he felt like an adult, he was in charge and he made some cash. He decided it wasn’t worth the hassle or else that would be an item still. I didn’t include this background because I didn’t want to get recommendations for special needs types camps he wouldn’t want to go to. I want to push his boundaries. He has been to scout camp and one other camp before. They all say I baby him too much. I make a cooked breakfast for him every morning (he used to make major feeding issues and since is low weight, yes I do it!), I force him to use an app to write down what he needs to do. I don’t tell him I tell him he needs to put it in. I nag him to find out if he did get it done. I nag him to not leave trash on the floor, dirty clothes on the floor. To make sure he understands the steps required when he runs events. He says he wants to run the event himself and I check on the pieces, did you make the reservation? Did you ask for permission to run the event and clear the date? He has no curfew but rarely goes out. He rides an electric scooter to school many days, but if he is running late I drive him. (I don’t want him to ride when the traffic is crazy at the school!) I nag that if there is no helmet on, then the scooter goes. He wants to learn how to drive but is embarrassed by the new driver magnets I make him put on the car. He seems to think he is taking the test in November and I am telling him NO unless I think he is ready. I just want some peace in my house and feel like I am failing him and it is my fault. I am the only one who deals with the discipline/routines. I feel like I am in trouble if he doesn’t behave.
Sounds similar to my kid, who has improved tremendously since we got meds (in retrospect I wish we had not been resistant to them earlier) and EF coaching skills (the latter were via the school but I understand many schools do not do this well).
there is no need for a “special camp”. My kid has adhd and is on the spectrum, and did both architecture and engineering summer workshops -and was definitely not the only one with these there. Enjoyed both of them content wise, socially one was much better than the other.
but I will repeat, the EF issues need to be addressed before college. There won’t be any handholding /anyone to be on his case about assignments there, and as you’ve already seen, a superb memory only goes so far as the workload gets bigger and bigger.
He can learn and do and face natural consequences of mistakes, lateness.
Too much parental engagement contributes to anxiety. More important to repair relationship than to focus on daily results.
His behavior does not sound personal against you and dad. Immaturity, teen phase.
(Check out EF coach, many havefree tips for parents,i.e. Seth Perler showcases a variety of experts each August.)
Edited to add: i wish you good luck! Breathe, you are doing the best you can! You are facing stresses and challenges like others have, it’s good you want to address issues. I am not criticizing you, I have had similar frustrations and learned as compmom , others below suggest.
I know a family with a kid like this, who was finally diagnosed with ADHD by the college. The parents just didn’t understand the source of the problems with lateness, not doing chores, last minute papers and so on and tended to blame, judge and enforce consequences. The kid is now grown with a good career but the relationship is distant with parents. I am not saying this is you. But as someone else mentioned, relationship is the priority long term.
If he has an ADHD diagnosis does he have a 504 plan at school with accommodations? Replacing parental support with other people supporting can be a bridge to “adulting”. There are therapists and ADHD coaches who can be that bridge. Landmark in Vermont can provide a list. Coaches are out of pocket and therapists are often covered by insurance. Psychology Today has a therapist finder.
Adulting and launching can be a long process in this day and age…into the 30’s I have read (and experienced!).
My mid-30’s kid has severe ADHD (and bipolar 1). Believe me I get it. This kid is having trouble applying to jobs. At this point I hear more info on what is happening if I bring food and/or flowers and wait for them to tell me. Direct questions will cause them to shut down.
Sympathies to you and to your son as well.
If he’s interested in stocks and the financial markets, perhaps help him find a volunteer spot working for a nonprofit in their finance group? Non-profits have to file a 990 form with the IRS- a large nonprofit will have multiple investments in their endowment, and even with a full team of accounting and finance professionals, there’s still a lot of grunt work that goes into it. If he can operate a computer game, he can learn the various software packages that nonprofits use.
In addition to the 990 which is a federal requirement, the organization will have quarterly meetings of their investment committee, monthly meetings of their board of trustees, etc, all of which require MORE reporting and documentation. No, he won’t be making investment decisions. But even doing the grunt work that’s required to accurately and properly prepare the documents can teach a kid a ton. He’ll either find it fascinating (yay!) or decide it’s boring (also good to learn what you don’t like).
Doesn’t sound like summer camp is going to do what you hope it will do. These programs are exceptionally well supervised (liability reasons) even when they are on college campuses.
Is there a reason you don’t allow him to prepare his own breakfast? He can make a frittata or pancakes the night before if you insist on a cooked breakfast, and then he reheats them in the microwave while he’s pouring his OJ. Great way to give him more responsibility, and requires him to anticipate, organize. If your rule is “shopping list is on the refrigerator; I shop once a week on Thursdays”, then he’ll quickly learn that telling you on Friday that you’re out of eggs isn’t going to work….
I will likely try the breakfast plan this summer. He has issues with food, and has his whole life so am trying to get those calories in so he grows and it has been working. Used to be at 1 percent and to 5 Percent for height. I do a cooked breakfast most mornings for my hubby anyway. Not every day but lots of them. I love the idea os the non profit group, I’ll have him see if he can find anything.
While I am sad you are dealing with these challenges too, it helps me to know I’m not alone and I appreciate your candor. He is not diagnosed with ADHD but Ihave a teaching background and his entire life I have seen things that suggest he might. My hubby and I are in disagreement over the topic along with other parenting topics so I have to be careful to not upset that balance. I will have a look for EF support again. The problem is getting the buy in and feel like he needs someone else to be his “coach”.
ADHD and executive function disorders are separate but overlapping diagnoses. In our experience a neuropsych. evaluation can diagnose executive functioning issues, but not ADHD. ADHD is diagnosed by a psychiatrist or even primary care using a questionnaire for the teen and family.
The problem I have seen with one parent resistant to this kind of thing is the blaming that happens. There is a book entitled “The Myth of Laziness,” a title I really like.
Anyway…..Camp is supervised but away from home. Job or volunteering can help a kid feel mature. There seem to be lots of options. Pre-college programs that are academic could add stress or add motivation- hard to tell!
Movement and meditative practices can help. Tai chi is martial in origins and young men seem to like it. Just a thought.
Why can’t you upset the balance if you believe (based on your own observations and your son’s life skills) that your H is wrong? To me, this is a balance worth upsetting.
There are workarounds, skills your son can learn, organizational tools that others with brains like his have used to minimize the stress that goes with taking twice or three times as long as other people to accomplish a task. And a good coach can also bring out the strengths– whether it’s creativity, energy, the ability to see patterns that other people miss– EF coaching isn’t just for deficits, it’s for identifying what he’s really good at.
Besides Seth Perler are there any other good coaches you can recommend?
One thing we found incredibly helpful from the neuropysch was her explanation of how kids on the spectrum will just see things (such as homework priority) differently to NT people. This has helped us not only understand C26’s way of approaching things but how to deal with it constructively. (“Just sit down and get the work done” doesn’t work.)
How did you deal with EF? Only with the school?
“Just sit down and get the work done or we’ll take away your phone” REALLY doesn’t work.
A friend with ADHD and EF deficits explained it to me like this-
“It’s like that classic recipe “how do you make turtle soup?” which says “first go get a turtle and then make the soup”.
To someone with EF, the entire world is asking for turtle soup, and nobody will help you figure out “where do a I find a turtle, what kind of turtle, how do I catch a turtle, once I catch it, how long do I wait before killing it for the soup? etc.” Meanwhile, everyone around you is serving turtle soup, having somehow figured out where to find a turtle.
C26 was put onto an IEP and part of that was EF coaching (and other “skills” that some people take for granted that are not easy for ND kids - including things like advocating for themselves with teachers and others in positions of authority etc). The school was very good at this, but I know from online discussions that many schools aren’t. There are private EF coaches that you can use too. C26 has since transitioned back out of the IEP to a 504 and independently uses the methods and techniques learnt in the EF coaching - which was the goal, to show us they would be ready to go to college without the same level of support. I still catch myself checking up on assignments etc but they are almost always done without any need for “reminders” from me now.
What if he got a summer job? Would getting himself to and from work and earning his own money make him feel more grown up?
Camps and summer programs for high schoolers can be fun, but they are supervised. And depending on the type of camp, for instance my daughter’s best friend went to a ballet camp one summer in Taos, New Mexico, you can be very busy. She spent most of her time in ballet classes. They did do some sightseeing and activities such as hiking, whitewater rafting, and riding up the ski lift and exploring the town of Taos, but this is all supervised. Both my kids went to summer camp and it was supervised. They weren’t breathing down the kid’s necks, but they are supervised, it’s not a free for all. And if you attend a camp at a college campus, the schedule is filled with activities, so it’s not like there is a lot of free time…
I’d say a kid could probably have less supervision and more independence if they stayed at home….
Just wondering how to help him. I truly am not sure where to go from here. I spent about 30 minutes looking up EF and a lot of it is online work on your own programs and that sounds like more homework for him. I have asked his input about if he wants a paper planner or use a phone app. I tell him to think about what he needs to do and have HIM schedule it on HIS phone app, we use Tick Tik. I then ask at the end of the day how did the day go. Did his jobs take longer then he expected, etc. When he was younger I used to make labels for his school backpacks so he remembered to bring home his lunch box, water bottle and folder.
I missed the fact that he was diagnosed on the spectrum and did ABA. I suggest you yourself meet with a counselor, who can help you with this situation. Can you remove chores from your son’s schedule? It seems you may be dealing with a husband/father who does not fully understand the challenges, and that is putting pressure on you to get your son to “launch.” I saw a therapist myself to vent and problem-solve. It can be really helpful in this situation. A therapist could also suggest resources.
Thanks! Yes, my hubby fully acknowledges that it is my thing to do with that. He helps out in so many ways, it’s just that this is more my role.