<p>My thirteen year-old is very upset that one student in her ballet class is the “favorite.” This child is the only one asked to “demonstrate” to the other students and was recently given a solo in the school recital while others in higher levels were not. I’m not entirely sure what is going on - this girl may be more talented but she has not been moved into a higher level as is typical when there is a disparity in ability. The ballet school has a reputation of designating “favorites” even when others are more talented. My daughter does not want to find a different school, as this would mean leaving her friends, and does not want me to talk to the director about the situation. But I am worn out by her constant complaints! I have tried to get her to focus on her own learning and strengths but she seems unable to get out of this jealous, angry place. Any suggestions?</p>
<p>If your daughter wants to pursue dance, she’s simply going to have to get used to this. If the favorite is indeed the most accomplished, she’s going to be asked to demonstrate in class, and probably get the most/best roles, as well. That’s the nature of the performing arts.</p>
<p>If your d truly enjoys dancing, she can seek out a studio with a more inclusive, warmer-and-fuzzier vibe. It will mean making new friends, but 13 is not too young for your d to weigh the decision based on what she really wants. You can tell her that the classroom atmosphere is what it is, and that you can’t fix it for her. I’d allow a little venting, but not to the point where it got on my nerves.</p>
<p>One thing I noticed in my checkered career as a dance mom - people see what they want to see. It wasn’t uncommon for moms and/or dancers to complain about being unfairly overlooked in class or at recital time, even though their kids/the dancers actually did have good opportunities. They simply didn’t like other dancers having equal, or more, opportunities. Not saying this is your d’s perception, OP, but I saw it often.</p>
<p>from Mikhail Baryshnikov: ‘I do not try to dance better than anyone else. I only try to to dance better than myself.’</p>
<p>She needs to focus on herself, as you said. She can also ask her teacher (privately, not during class) what she should focus on in order to improve.</p>
<p>And you might want to tell her that complaining to you will not solve her problem. In any field, we will encounter “favoritism.” Your D is not in a position to judge whether or not this is really happening.</p>
<p>Ballet is a pursuit in which hard work will never win out over natural talent and physical gifts.</p>
<p>Schools recognize early those who have what it takes to become ballet dancers.</p>
<p>Ballet training is extremely demanding, so it is important to recognize this and decide whether one is one of the gifted few, and, if not, if one wants to pursue it anyway.</p>
<p>Thanks to all for the sensible advice!</p>
<p>Find another studio, I know you said she didn’t want to but that is your only option other than just sucking it up, knowing that this is how it is and having her work toward personal goals vs trying to get the solo spot. I don’t see how complaints to the owner are going to do any good because she can do whatever she wants, she owns the place. The only way she will change if it hurts her pocketbook by people not signing up for classes.</p>
<p>My suggestion as I always tell my own kids, to calm down and make sure that your D. understand that there are forces that are out of our control. It is everywhere, there are kids with connections who are less qualified bu would get into some places/programs that others more qualified would not. The same goes for jobs, everything. If she does not get it now, she will be frustrated all along in her entire life. Enjoy what you have, stay cool about things out of your control, nothing else will work. Cannot run from situation all your life, sometime it is a solution, most of the times, personal adjustment is a better way.</p>
<p>Thank you!</p>
<p>My D is also 13 and has been dancing for years. From the beginning, I sought out community center classes rather than a studio based on the horror stories I heard from my sister about “dance moms” and “dance kids” in a formal studio, not to mention the cost of the costumes, dress codes, etc. </p>
<p>Last spring, it became obvious that although her teacher is one of the most talented dancers and teachers around, she was no longer meshing well with him. So we looked for another class. She’s now thriving and is making new friends, but stays in touch with the others from ehr old class. She is happier and so am I since I don’t have to watch her struggle. That’s what worked for us, anyway.</p>
<p>sseamom, what type of setting did your daughter end up in that was a better fit?</p>
<p>Note also that there are two types of ballet schools - classical ballet schools for professional training (such as those associated with ballet companies for example Boston Ballet School, San Francisco Ballet School, but also private schools with the same type of intensive training) – and dance studios that teach all kinds of dance (lyrical, jazz, tap, etc.) and have ballet as well, usual just for an hour or two a week.</p>
<p>You would have more success complaining about the sun always rising in the East than complaining about a ballet teacher picking favorites. It’s a deeply ingrained part of ballet culture. And though it can happen with younger children, it’s almost certain to happen in middle school, when different natural abilities and body types really start coming into play.</p>
<p>You can’t really fight it. You either go along, accepting your place in the hierarchy, or you go elsewhere, and probably do something else.</p>
<p>It is easier to find a different studio if a student is doing recreational dancing. Once a dancer gets to a certain level, usually there are only few studios which could teach at that level. Both of my kids danced at the same studio for 13+ years. Every year there was always some drama, even when the head instructor tried to be as fair as possible. We became very good friends with the owner/instructor. She told us many complaints she has received from parents/students. It was always about not getting enough attention or not getting a solo at a performance. </p>
<p>If the quality of teaching is good and the dancers are nice to each other then I would tell the daughter to not focus so much on that girl. It is more important to get her own technique right. I would listen to her, but I wouldn’t add more fuel to the fire or get involved.</p>
<p>D1 was at a well known summer intensive program. She fell down flat on her butt and this very famous instructor ridiculed D1 in front of everyone. D1 got up, went over to the instructor, apologized for the fact she couldn’t do better. She then called me and cried. Despite that, she had a great summer and was a better dancer at the end.</p>
<p>It’s another community center with a different kind of dance. She’s never met a dance style she doesn’t like, lol. There’s also a wider range of ages in this class, from pre-teen to adult, with a wider range of experience as well. That seems to help, as does the fact that the teacher is an older woman with decades of experience vs. a young guy with a brasher style of teaching.</p>