<p>“White blood cells.” I said interrupting the moderator’s question in front 200 people at the Hawaii Regional Science Bowl. “Incorrect.” As the only junior on the team, I had cost them four points and gave the other team unlimited time to answer the question, not to mention feeling red in front of students, coaches, and parents. The correct answer was “phagocytic white blood cells.”
I was so close, yet so far. Up until that point in the competition, I answered questions conservatively, avoiding the penalties of an incorrect interrupt. But I soon realized that the experience of risk-taking was completely necessary when facing a school that was much bigger that our’s. We could not be the underdogs and expect to win by playing it safe. Taking those risks of interrupting would give us the chance to vault ahead of our opponent. With risk taking though, we also needed to have discernment in when to interrupt and when to play it safe. Interrupting with a big lead and no clue of the answer is surely imprudent, but in a close game and an educated guess, that is where the risk will lead to a substantial reward. Later in the match I interrupted: “Hypothalamus.” This time, to my delight, it was correct. Along with discernment, I learned the value of pressure.
In the moment between my buzzing and the moderator’s call, there was pressure to answer correctly, or else subtract points from my team. This pressure caused some distress, but my mind adapted to the pressure and searched for information more quickly. The instant I buzzed in, I may have not known the answer, but in the fifteen seconds given to answer, I could eventually come up with the correct answer.<br>
With an interest in health, I answered a substantial amount of the biological sciences questions, albeit without interrupting. But as the competition progressed, I had to develop the confidence in my own knowledge and interrupt when I could. I could get by without interrupting against the beginner teams, but against the more advanced teams, I definitely had to take risks and try to seize the points for my team before the opponent could.
Although just a regional science trivia quiz competition, science bowl has unveiled to me various important life qualities. Life is full of questions, but sometimes we just have to risk it and interrupt. </p>
<p>So far I have only read the first two paragraphs. First off, in line 1, i would put “in front [of] 200 people” and in line 7, I don’t think you are supposed to put “our’s” but I don’t know that for sure. Now, content wise. I really like the idea, but I would try to show more and tell less. Use descriptive imagery to have the reader really feel what is going on in your story. Have the reader FEEL your anxiety and pressure in that first paragraph — that’s your hook. Now, secondly, your second paragraph to me is…a little bit dis coordinated. It is so cliche to put “But I soon realized that…”
You need to think outside of the box, and put on a show in these essays. I’m not saying you should use huge vocabulary or anything along those lines, but the second paragraph needs to flow better, and you need to be less cliche about how you put things. For example, the last sentence in that paragraph, “Along with discernment, I learned the value of pressure”
This is a no-no.
You do not just put in, “I learned this” and “I learned that”
Instead, try saying “Because of this, I understand the value of pressure now. I use it everyday to fuel myself, get my work done, and keep my creativity flowing. In competitions nowadays, the buzzer does not control me. I control the buzzer.”
Now obviously, this is just isn’t the voice or style of your essay, but please try to understand what I am saying. Hope my feedback helps! Good luck! </p>
<p>Thank you, great feedback I will definitely consider what you said @APDestroyer. Anyone else?</p>
<p>In future, please don’t post essays online. Read the warnings and suggestions posted in the pinned threads.</p>
<p>I nearly didn’t read this because you didn’t put spaces between the paragraphs so it is hard on the eyes.</p>
<p>I feel you could have said this in half the space. As it is, it feels repetitive and drawn out. There is some overexplaining, like the reader is not sharp enough to ‘get it’. I feel this should be one episode in a larger story.</p>
<p>“But I soon realized that the experience of risk-taking was completely necessary when facing a school that was much bigger that our’s. Taking those risks of interrupting would give us the chance to vault ahead of our opponent.” </p>
<p>Avoid unnecessary words, like “completely necessary” should just be ‘necessary’. Leave out ‘experience of’. You are just risk taking. "but I soon realized’ is ponderous. The second sentence repeats too much. I like the use of ‘vault ahead’ though.</p>