Feedback on my essay

[sorolla]

<p>I am trying to raise my essay score from the first time I took the SAT this spring. I am taking the test again in October, and I’m not really sure what I’m doing wrong. Below is the essay (complete with spelling and grammatical mistakes) that I wrote during the original test. Feedback would be great. This scored a 9, by the way.</p>

<p>The question:

Is moderation an obstacle to achievement and success? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

</p>

<p>And the essay:

Young people are often advised by teachers, parents and their elders to remain patient and controlled. Work hard and methodically, they are advised, and one day it will pay off. But the advice-givers themselves lead only medicore lives. The truly great men and women of history would have said something different: true success requires passion and risk-taking.</p>

<p>Theodore Roosevelt was one such great man. As a young politician rising slowly through the ranks of power, he often risked his career for what he believed in. His first major position, as chairman of the civil service reform comission required him to confront the corruption of spoils system of the day. Roosevelt easily could have settled for modest reforms, as the reform was wildly unpopular with both his own party and the opposition. Instead, he took his duty seriously and completely overhauled the civil service. The reforms proved astonishingly sucessful; modern day government organizational systems trace their origins to him.</p>

<p>Later, as Assistant Secretary of the navy, Roosevelt again proved his mettle. Besides reform, Roosevelt’s other passion was for his country, and for a desire to oversee its expansion. Inspired by a book by Admiral Howard Mahan, the fledgling naval leader decided to conquer the Phillipines. Roosevelt sent the navy to the vicinity of the island chain, anticipating wan when conflict broke out, he was prepared to intervene, and the Phillipines were conquered. While Roosevelt’s dreams were then realized, the order he gave had been a daring manuver. Roosevelt sent the navy without the approval of his boss or the President, instead deciding to take a risk, and act according to what he belived was right.</p>

<p>The great leaders of history, such as Theodore Roosevelt, accomplished what they did because of their great boldness, great innovation, and great risk. While moderation might produce results over time, it is a passionate life that is a truly productive one.

</p>

[sorolla]

<p>bump</p>

<p>10char</p>

[lookingforward]

<p>I believe what held you back from a higher score is using only one famous-person example. Three is good. Makes a more powerful argument and shows you are able to draw on a range of knowledge.<br>
Personally, I am not comfortable with para 1, where you open with a generalization about the advice given and make an unsupported statement about the mediocre lives of the advice-givers. Remember adults read your essay. I thought today’s advice was to develop passion(s) and be willing to take risks.<br>
And, comments like, “The reforms proved astonishingly successful;” without some examples, it borders on opinion. Modern day…systems trace…" Again, in today’s world, those systems often seem convoluted and counter-effective. So there are some ideas for taking a very good start and moving your score up.</p>