feedback on this essay please!

<p>i've tried to write 5 different essays and each time i abandoned them simply because they were too boring. i have been editing this essay a few times already and i was hoping to get some constructive criticism for it. is the idea of the essay bad? is it too boring? would you want to read on after the first paragraph or even sentence? i'd love for someone to totally rip this essay apart and give me feedback. be as critical as you need to be! also the essay is 636 words while the common app asks for max 500 words. is this too much? i'm applying for swarthmore ED and i hope they like my essay. i'm also hoping wellesley might like it as well. tell me what you think! thanks in advance.</p>

<p>Barbie and I were never friends. During recess all the other girls crowded around her to comb her silky blond hair and talked about what she should wear the next day. While she was idolized by the other girls, I sat to the side with Batman in my pocket, secretly wishing that I could pull Barbie’s perfect hair out. The other girls would never play with me because my hair was weird looking compared to Barbie’s flawless locks. I envied Barbie and the many friends that Mattel has made for her. </p>

<p>I have never been a typical girl. My father used to call me a tomboy because I always played with the boys in my neighborhood and was nothing like the Barbie idolizing girls. While growing up I was often mistaken for a boy with my short choppy hair and baggy unisex clothes. I hated being mistaken for a boy as did my parents, who would intentionally buy pink frilly dresses for me. They forced me to wear the hideous outfits on the first day of school each year, hoping that none of my teachers would then mistake me for the opposite sex. Despite being publicly embarrassed often by teachers and other adults, my most embarrassing moment came in junior high school. On my way into the girls’ bathroom I was stopped by hall monitors and told that I had entered the wrong bathroom, and even asked if I knew how to read the sign hanging on the door. I was very embarrassed as everyone in the hall gave me weird looks, but most of all, I was frustrated. </p>

<p>When high school began, I was finally rightfully recognized as a girl and any insecurity and self conscious thoughts I had began to fade away slowly. During the sophomore year I joined an all-girls leadership program, Sadie Nash Leadership Project, and was introduced to many feminist ideas and was supported by the other girls who understood my struggles. With their support I began to see myself as a leader and as an empowered young woman. </p>

<p>One day my friend called me “unfeminine” and it finally dawned on me what the problem was all these years. Through Sadie Nash, I realized that the problem was not me, but the way we are brought up beginning when we are just toddlers. Little girls play with Barbies clad in pink miniskirts, with long silky blonde hair and a seemingly perfect figure that we hold to be real and possible when it really is not. While we grew older, we are presented with near-naked models and told that it is these women who define “sexy”, “feminine”, and even “beautiful.” We are forced to fit into a mold society has so kindly made for us and if we do not conform we are considered less than “feminine”, and not a “real” female. As absurd as it is, there is even a measurement for the ideal female body: 36-25-34. Essentially, only a few women out of every thousand fit this “perfect” figure.</p>

<pre><code>Now, after two summers of Sadie Nash, I have reinvented my thinking and become a more aware individual. Contrary to what society imposes on females and what others have tried to impose on me, I know that it is only how I choose to see myself that matters. I am an empowered woman and will not allow others to decide for me what is beautiful and what is unattractive. To many I may not be feminine, and my short hair may not be as appealing when compared Barbie’s factory manufactured blond hair, but I know my own beauty and it is not dependent on the eyes of others. I am foolish for ever envying Barbie and her plastic friends, but Batman will always be my friend, sitting snug in my pocket.
</code></pre>

<p>It's a pretty good essay, just correct some grammar.</p>

<p>If you get drop this paragragh:</p>

<p>"One day my friend called me “unfeminine” and it finally dawned on me what the problem was all these years. Through Sadie Nash, I realized that the problem was not me, but the way we are brought up beginning when we are just toddlers. Little girls play with Barbies clad in pink miniskirts, with long silky blonde hair and a seemingly perfect figure that we hold to be real and possible when it really is not. While we grew older, we are presented with near-naked models and told that it is these women who define “sexy”, “feminine”, and even “beautiful.” We are forced to fit into a mold society has so kindly made for us and if we do not conform we are considered less than “feminine”, and not a “real” female. As absurd as it is, there is even a measurement for the ideal female body: 36-25-34. Essentially, only a few women out of every thousand fit this “perfect” figure."</p>

<p>it will be much better...</p>

<p>I agree: Drop pararaph that begin with "One day my friend called me “unfeminine” . Frist sentence is good: caught my attention. I would put a comma after "During recess" and I would delete the word all. I would also delte the sentence "The other girls would never play with me because my hair was weird looking compared to Barbie’s flawless locks." It's a little hard to believe that your hair kept girls from playing with you.In the seond paragraph, I'd work on this phrase: "and was nothing like the Barbie idolizing girls". It sounds like a put down. Is there another example you could give of why your father called you a tomboy? My last suggestion would be to delete the word "rightfully" in the third paragraph. This is a good essay, but it makes you sound a little harsh. I think with just a little editing, you'll have it.</p>

<p>. bump</p>