I am heading back to school on Saturday to begin my second semester at a school three hours from my house. I was a commuter for the first two years of my college career.
My mom and I are always close, and while she’s happy I’m happy at school, she’s sad about my returning in a few days. It’s making me sad, too. No matter how much I try to get her to look at the bright side of the matter, she reverts back to a “funk.” She wants me to be successful and enjoy my time, but she misses me at home.
I hate to see my mother sad. What can I do to cheer her up? Will it get better?
I know you love your mom, but it’s not your job to make her happy. Sometimes the grownups have a hard time not oversharing their feelings with their kids, and really burden them with stuff they shouldn’t.
She will be ok. What will make your mom happiest in the long run (even if she can’t see it now) is you successful, graduated, and living a great life as an adult. Go do that and enjoy the heck out of it!
It’s so nice that you care this much about your mom, but please try to remember: She’s the grown up. It’s really up to her to make herself feel happy. Sure, you can send her a text or email saying that you’re doing great and tell her about your wonderful accomplishments, but after that, it’s really on her to feel what she’s going to feel, and not your responsibility.
She can do it! She’s a mom. She’s been through ups and downs before and has always gotten through them, right?
She can do this too.
Your job is first and foremost to study and do as well as you can at college. This is your time to shine. I guarantee that the better you do at school, the better she will feel.
There’s a saying that a mom is only as happy as her least happy child. Well, time for you to be happy and to do well at school. She will be happier for it.
Focus on your development. The rest will take care of itself.
The only thing I could possibly add, as a way to both unburden you, and also to give your mom something to treasure: What if you were to write a lovely note to your mom (to leave for her to open after you leave) telling her some wonderful things you remember doing and feeling while growing up with her. (Maybe include a dad, or anyone else in the family if it is relevant.) Some possible ideas… Tell your mom some things you like/love about her and how it helped you grow. It’s OK (if you want) to acknowledge briefly that its hard knowing that the separation is difficult for her, but you know that’s normal. You don’t have to say you miss her, if you think that would make her cling harder, but say that you think of her when you are away, especially when some advice or skill or quality she has given you proves useful. Thank her for giving you the skills and opportunity to enjoy life and to be doing what you are doing. Tell her you love hearing about fun and interesting things she is doing now that you are gone and she has more time (if that is true, or tell her you would love to hear these things.) If you keep the tone appreciative and mostly happy and hopeful I can pretty much guarantee you she will keep this note for the rest of her life. It doesn’t have to be long (or cover all of these ideas) to be powerful and touching.
You know what this means? You are a great kid that she enjoys being with. Many parents can’t wait to send kids back bc the kids are loud, or don’t follow rules, or sulk bc they are bored or fight with their siblings…oops…can you tell I wanted to send mine back?
She will be fine. This is her part of the job, to be sad. Yours is to go, enjoy and grow. Trust the mons here. She’ll be fine.
A pet is not a kid. Keep in touch with your mom while you are gone. Text or call regularly. One of my kids (the one who would have noticed I was sad without her ) called almost every day for a brief chat. She still grew up to be an independent, successful adult. The other one… well… a sign of life weekly is about what I get. Be kid #1.
It’s sweet for you to care but it’s not your responsibility.
As a mom it’s my responsibility to take care of my own stuff, live a fulfilled life, etc. I am crazy about my sons, too, but it’s not their job to make sure I’m happy (though I am usually grateful and happy when they are considerate towards me).
This is an important time in your life. Let yourself off the hook.
Yes I’m aware that a pet is not a kid but the reason I say it is that it’s not OP’s responsibility to burden themselves with their mother’s happiness. Sure, try to stay in contact once in awhile, maybe schedule a skype date or phone call every other week but the mother needs to find ways to keep herself happy too. A new hobby perhaps, or a furry child (aka doggo)
A hobby or a kid? Not even close! Kind of cavalier to equate the two. But it’s true, @philbegas, even a heartbroken mom shouldn’t clip her grown child’s wings. She will have to find her own way to want to get up every morning.
I know it will be hard for me. I will probably turn to tutoring kids with limited opportunities, join Big Brothers/Big Sisters organization, or some other kind of mentoring where you can help another kid find their potential. That, or go back to college
Either way yes all I’m saying is it’s a way to fill the time. A child is a unique thing that you could never 100% simulate but perhaps fostering could come close (which would be a cool thing to do if financially viable)
Being sad some of the time is part of the process of separating, for both parents and their child. Accept that it is normal. Your Mom and you will get through this process with all the joys and upsets that it brings.
OP, am I your mom? Haha! Except my kid is quite heartless and doesn’t care that I am sad without her, but I am reasonably sure she loves me anyway:-).
It’s my job to find my own happiness. Believe me, your mom will miss you like crazy, but nothing makes your mom happier than knowing you are happy. My kid had a rough start as a freshman. Trust me, I was a thousand times more unhappy when she was unhappy. Give me feeling sorry for myself over feeling sorry for her, any day. Your mom will eventually find ways to cope.
Go do that and enjoy the heck out of it!
