<p>Don’t be proud of her then… Most of us humans are ordinary. We’re not about to amount to anything of worth and there’s no reason for our parents or anyone else to be proud of us. If she hasn’t amounted to anything to be proud of then it’s expected that you wouldn’t be proud of her. </p>
<p>Disclaimer: Student perspective.</p>
<p>FM - I find that I am proud or not proud of my kids depending on the moment and what’s happening. Luckily on balance I’m am generally proud of both of them, both of them have also had patches where they disappointed me. I think, unfortunately, if you are the parent of a high achiever, it is natural to be let down if your highest aspirations don’t get fulfilled. But I don’t think this is a permanent state of being, or that you should torture yourself about it. </p>
<p>S has really accomplished amazing things (in my view) and worked his butt off, but he may not be organized enough to pull off graduate applications this year. Right now I’m not feeling much pride, but I assume I will eventually. D has been less ambitious, so I tend to be amazed and proud of everything she accomplishes. When she had job woes earlier this year, not so much.</p>
<p>I know you’ve been proud of your D in the past. I’d say just let this go. It’s normal not to be proud all the time, just as it’s fine not to be happy all the time. She’s doing whatever she’s doing and she’ll figure it out. And I predict you’ll be proud again one day.</p>
<p>If we are honest with ourselves, it is silly to think we SHOULD always feel constantly one way or another about anyone or anything. As humans, our emotions about things can change, especially when our loved ones change in their behavior. Heck, are we always proud of OUR feelings or OUR behavior? Why SHOULD we ALWAYS be proud of any of our loved ones. </p>
<p>There are times their behavior evokes more pride and other times their behavior (for any number of reasons) may evoke more of a --blah, can’t wait for this to pass-- feeling. Sometimes we are just at different phases of our life, perhaps waiting for the next metamorphosis or somehow just out of synch with others. </p>
<p>I admit, I love all members of my extended family, but sometimes behavior of one or more can infuriate me for varying periods of time. It eventually works out, but I definitely have warmer feelings for some over others at different times. The same goes for H & my kids. It seems part of the human condition to me. :)</p>
<p>I agree with HImom.</p>
<p>Pride is something I only feel when the occasion warrants it. </p>
<p>For example, I’ve always wondered why people should be “proud” parents of a newborn.</p>
<p>Perhaps you share my views (hight standards?) on pride. You seemed proud of your daughter’s suggestion to the professor about not wasting class time (as well you should have been, that was a great story!)</p>
<p>Yes, the moment with the professor made me full of pride. She even invited that same professor to dinner at her House. He was touched.</p>
<p>Once in awhile I find it helpful to put things in perspective by imagining how much easier, for the most part, our parenting years are compared to the experiences of parents of teens and young adults in the 1960’s and early 1970’s.</p>
<p>I was a teen in the 1970’s, but my siblings were teens and young adults right smack in the middle of the upheavals of the previous decade.</p>
<p>My parents expected a sort of Kennedy-esque life for their kids (not the wealth, but the feel) and got long hair, decidedly strange clothes, Vietnam, dropping out, non-traditional carreer paths, frightening upheavals in society, music and attitudes they didn’t understand… My sister’s spring semester freshman year ended abruptly when Grinnell closed and sent everyone home in response to the Kent State shootings. She wanted to drop out amd move to Colorado after waitressing in Boulder one summer. My father flew out, loaded her into her car and drove her back to school. I could continue on and on. My brother had his own strange path, including a short time in the Navy that ended abruptly and without explaination. Not one step of his life in those years was in any way what would have brought pride or bragging rights at the Friday evening cocktail party at the golf club.</p>
<p>Anything that my own kids do or don’t do can’t begin to compare to what my parents, who did everything “right” lived through. I think they would say they and their friends were proud that everyone made it through those years and came out the other end with a decent relationship with their children. :)</p>
<p>Hugs to you fauxmaven. </p>
<p>I think this is really a hard time and don’t feel bad about your feelings. I think they are entirely normal. We just went to a family thanksgiving. My S and his gf have graduated college both have great jobs and a career! Another niece is in graduate school at a tier one school, plotting her post doc and her sister is an engineering student with a great co op job. </p>
<p>But another nephew will graduate in the spring. And of course EVERYONE asks what is he going to do. As his mother admitted, she thinks his plans are hanging around the house playing his guitar. She admitted that because of personal issues his GPA is shot, he doesn’t have a resume together, he hasn’t gone to the job fair, hasn’t taken the GRE. Nothing, no plans. Another niece graduated college and is working a retail job. She couldn’t even come to dinner as she had to stay home and work. </p>
<p>It’s hard, you feel as if every other kid has plans, great plans and everyone asks and it’s hard. Really hard and ton of pressure. It’s like college admission but different, cuz this is their life and you want them to be successful and self supporting. It’s what you dream of when they are young. </p>
<p>As far as the appearance issue, yea that’s hard also. I have a sister who puts a lot of stock in personal appearance and is always giving my kids unsolicited advice. Stop it, they are smart and it’s their life. That’s what I tell her and stop judging my kid. </p>
<p>Don’t feel bad, but I don’t know why you can’t speak of it to your H. We all have periods when our kids do things we are not proud of.</p>
<p>Faux… </p>
<p>Whenever I think about how someone choices are not up to my expectations…I have to step back and …smack myself upside the head!</p>
<p>Work on yourself. Work on the areas of Fauxmaven that you want to improve. Strive to become the best person you want to be. Strive to accomplish the things you want to accomplish. Not for others but for your own internal happiness. This is where your energy should be focused. </p>
<p>Your daughter has her own goals and priorities. She assumes you will love her unconditionally because you are her mom. She has enough on her plate figuring out life without thinking that she has to take your pride into consideration. </p>
<p>Who is judging your accomplishments in life? </p>
<p>Our children are adults with their own lives. Let them live them and love them for exactly who they are. Hope they love you and are proud of you for exactly who you are. Not for what they think you should be.</p>
<p>Work on yourself. Work on the areas of Fauxmaven that you want to improve. Strive to become the best person you want to be. Strive to accomplish the things you want to accomplish. Not for others but for your own internal happiness. This is where your energy should be focused.</p>
<p>Okay, you ask about me. I have worked on myself a lot. Coming from not the best situation, in the 70s, I worked hard and got good grades. I graduated with Honors from a state school. I worked for a few years in an employment agency and did well. I married an abusive husband, had the son now in jail, and managed to leave when he was 2 years old. I had to go to a women’s shelter for awhile as I was afraid for my safety. Eventually I married a kind, generous man whose looks were not threatening to my former husband, and he liked how well taken care of his son was. We have been married for 27 years. I am a terrific mother, and my children are close- all 4. I am a big success on Ebay. Given how things started out, I am pleased with how I have done. So maybe you can see a bit of my feelings better. I have tried to create the best in my kids.</p>
<p>I think sax meant, work on yourself now. Sometimes, when we did a lot of that work over the past years, it becomes that much more challenging, draining, to have to pull ourselves together all over again. But that’s what it is and why therapy can help.</p>
<p>You originally said it’s her “choices.” We all have times when their choices (and rebellions) either bug us or worry us. At this age, we want them to be setting themselves up for the next stage in life, for success. But we can’t control that. At this stage, sometimes the only thing we can do is work on our relationship with them, going forward. They still need to know they are loved, still need to feel we approve. They don’t always want to know we disagree- or even agree. Both can feel like judgments.</p>
<p>It’s not always easy.</p>
<p>All the things you are currently citing as being sources of your discomfort/lack of support for her are superficial. It sounds like she has a great work ethic and a positive and productive life. If she doesn’t look the way you want her to look, that’s her decision and that stuff can always change. Blue hair, facial piercings, ripped clothing, chains all over the clothing-- all that can change in one day or less. I know this is not her description, but it describes many kids her age. And so what? This is not the inner girl. It sounds like she doesn’t have too many deep-seated problems.</p>
<p>I’ve always wondered why people should be “proud” parents of a newborn.</p>
<p>I can understand why people are 'proud parents" of a newborn…and “proud grandparents” of a newborn. Sure, the baby’s only “accomplishment” (so far) is being born, but still!</p>
<p>In that context, “proud” generally means “being pleased” or “happy”.</p>
<p>You have done wonderfully with your life and with your children!</p>
<p>You aren’t responsible for their decisions or the route they take once they are adults. </p>
<p>Most parents of children over the age of 20 understand that. We ALL could share a few things about our children that we are less than proud of… (Most parents only share the wonderful grades and accomplishments, and skip right over the citations, the semester of terrible grades, the emotional ups and downs.) Most families that appear perfect have struggles that only their closest friends know about. You are not alone.</p>
<p>Thank you, FM, for posting. I, too, worry about some of the more superficial things going on with a couple of my adult kids. Comparing them to others makes me crazy, and I must stop. They are wonderful, loving people, and of THAT I am proud. It’s what really matters, at the end of the day. Great reminder for all of us who have been so invested in our kids’ lives for so long. Gotta give them the pink slip to their lives and let them decide what life will look like for them. An then wait for grandchildren to spoil.</p>
<p>My apologies if what I am about to say is presumptuous, but when people put themselves out there and ask for advice, I suppose they should be prepared to hear it. Honestly, it sounds a little as if you are over-identifying with your daughter, and you are disappointed because she has not made the same choices as you would have made if you had been fortunate enough to receive the same opportunities when you were her age. You are not her and she is not you. She has no obligation whatsoever to live out the expectations or dreams you might have had for yourself. Her life choices at this point have little or nothing to do with you. None of our children are living in the same world that we grew up in anyway and will mostly have very different lives.</p>
<p>Instead of focusing on how she has disappointed you, focus on how she has not. Is she an honorable and honest person? Is she kind? Hard-working? Then she deserves your pride.</p>
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<p>I’m not so sure we do! Yes, intellectually we know it, but it’s so hard to let go of the patterns we’ve built our relationships upon. We need to make that shift, as so many on this thread have eloquently said. (Love your post, Sax.) Our own health and feeling of well being (and likely our kids’ as well) depends upon us no longer taking responsibility for their choices. We need to accept that we no longer have control- and actually lost it long ago. And that’s a good thing! Accepting this can be liberating if we can truly accomplish it.</p>
<p>Your honest self reflection is key and your not expressing a desire to “change” her is especially commendable. I understand from where you come.<br>
I would start by engaging in some meaningful discussions on how she wants to live her life, what she values, what her hopes and dreams are. If you understand where she is coming from, then what she does/how she presents to the world should make total sense. You need the context of where she is on her journey.<br>
Now if there is a disconnect or she is just drifting or delusional then there is a whole 'nother series of (difficult) conversations to be had.
College graduation is a major life step and deserves this kind of assessment before picking a path, and not just a career path. And she may not have the time absorb it all yet as she is still in the thick of her studies. So this conversation just may be premature.
I am just speculating here but her appearance may indicate that she may not be ready to face the world yet, or she may be entering it on a plane you don’t recognize because her construct is so different from yours.</p>
<p>Maybe you learn to phrase it differently. Shift the paradigm so to speak. For example, I am proud of the fact that I did the best job I could raising my kids as this is something over which you had more control. I am happy that my son/daughter has this opportunity in life. When people say to me that I must be so proud of my son, I say that I am so happy for my son and the incredible opportunities he has had and will have. He really is a great kid and I so enjoy spending time with him. While I laid the foundation, I am not responsible for his actions now; therefore, cannot be proud or not proud, just happy (hopefully :D) or disappointed. It’s okay to not be happy with some of the choices that your kids make. Hey, I am not happy with some of the choices I make and I am almost 50! As I am sure that you are aware, self-castigation is a very heavy burden. I hope that you can relieve yourself of this burden of guilt because it is a very heavy one.</p>
<p>Don’t feel badly for having concerns. BUT…she is still very young in the scheme of things and she could make some astounding changes and desisions like a turn on a dime and you’ll be wondering why you were worried. Hugs.</p>
<p>I am very sad for this daughter who is only valued for her looks by her own mother, whatever else she may achieve (you may not mean this but that is how it comes across to a child. No-one would write this about a son). But I know that is and has always been the way for women in our society.</p>