<p>My mother told me at a very late age that she was still working on being a better person. I couldn’t believe it as I held her on a pedestal. She reminded me that we are always learning and always growing and that she had a lot of things she wasn’t proud of…there is nothing I can think of. My guess is being over critical of people who are different than we wish they were. I think she, like you, kept these things private. </p>
<p>^ this is, I believe, where class comes in. Maybe you aren’t thrilled with where your D is at this point but keep it to yourself. Take the high road and maybe take consolation in knowing you aren’t alone. Accept the person she is, even if you have to fake it.</p>
<p>Faux, I think NJsue has it right–focus on the positive.</p>
<p>Despite our efforts to hide our thoughts in some ways, our children can read our minds. If you think your daughter is deficient, she will pick up on it.</p>
<p>I’m sixty years old and have a very judgmental mother. When she’s at family gatherings, I’m virtually silent, because she has a way of putting down everything I say–either verbally or with looks of scorn. Last Thanksgiving, she sat next to me and criticized all my food choices. (not pleasant, on Thanksgiving) Later, when I raised objections to her specific behavior, she looked at me incredulously and said in a taunting voice “I should do it more often!” This year, my mother was not invited to our family gathering and I had the best time ever.</p>
<p>Faux, I’m certain you’re nowhere near as blatant as my mother, but do be careful. Your daughter knows your feelings. Good luck to you!</p>
<p>Full disclosure … this is going to be a harsh post for the OP.</p>
<p>Faux, while I get and share the feeling with my kids at time I’m stuck on the fact the one of the things you do not agree with or appreciate is your daughter wanting to be a teacher. Frankly, I can’t imagine any positive outcome to a conversation with a child complaining about them choosing to be a teacher. For that topic I’d suggest using a close friend or your husband or religious person or etc (anyone but your daughter) to vent with.</p>
<p>I can’t see any positive outcome from a conversation complaining about someone picking a noble profession. Given she has made this choice she values things like helping children, giving back to the community, etc. How is the conversation going to to work? You’ll raise concerns that she should be more focused on her upward mobility? on making more money? on a more prestigious job? I can’t imagine what could be said that does not devalue your daughter’s choices and values and that plugs values she does not share. </p>
<p>I get your feelings but I’d tread lightly or you risk losing the respect of your daughter because of your rejection of her values.</p>
<p>(PS - I wrote this with a bias … Mom3ToGo and I are paying full-pay for SecondToGo to go to an ivy to be an elementary school teacher … we both think we’re giving him a great foundation for his chosen field and a gift to whatever school system hires him)</p>
<p>OP, what is your D’s major? If it isn’t Education (some Ivies don’t offer it), she isn’t locked in and may easily change her mind by next Dec.</p>
<p>Even if your D starts out teaching, she may find that she doesn’t like it and will end up doing something else. I personally know 2 Ivy League grads who did Teach for America. One stayed two years, doesn’t want to teach anymore and is now applying to grad school in the area of government/public policy/administration. The other hated it so much she quit after a month and moved back home. I know she has a job in the private sector, but I forgot doing what.</p>
<p>(This is not an indictment of the teaching profession, which I admire. My own D started out wanting to be a teacher which I thought was perfect for her, but changed her mind before graduating from college. Who knows, she may end up teaching one day.)</p>
<p>Adding: If your D graduates next Dec., can she even get a teaching job at that time? If she has to wait until the following Fall, she may find something else in the meantime she enjoys doing and sticks with.</p>
<p>Imo, this goes beyond teaching or appearance. The mother-daughter relationship gets complicated. Especially if our girls have hit their own bumps in the road, along the way. Is this the same gal who hasn’t always been happy in college?</p>
<p>They come to a bend in the road and we see it as a hairpin turn. Often, that’s us.</p>
<p>I must have missed the post about the OP’s D wanting to teach. THAT’S a problem?? Good lord, don’t we WANT bright young people willing to teach the next generation and help shape them?? </p>
<p>My niece is a teacher and went to a top LAC. She also finished in December, EARLY rather than late, but still, it was out of the typical hiring season. She got a long-term sub job that became a FT gig. She is still teaching 5 years later. She will never get rich, but she loves what she does and her students-and their parents see that and appreciate that. Kids who have had her in class have come back to thank her for teaching them.</p>
<p>I’m with 3togo-our D wants to teach, and we hear, too often, “But she so smart! Why would she want to be just a teacher?” And our response is what she has always said, “Would you rather a DUMB student become your kids’ teacher??”</p>
<p>Good grief. Disappointed over teaching. And here I thought maybe the girl was wanting to shovel ditches or something.</p>
<p>“Part of my agony is all the money we spent on a fancy prep school and Ivy League college and she doesn’t have the kind of plans that I had hoped would come from this kind of silver spoon education.”</p>
<p>Once she’s out in the real world, paying real world bills, she may be much more motivated to make something out of herself. </p>
<p>EDIT: just saw that the D wants to be a teacher. She might do it for the rest f her life; she might burn out and try something else. If she has an Ivy degree, she will have options in high-paying districts in posh towns. </p>
<p>I wasn’t into hair or make-up at that age, either: I resented the way that a lot if men (especially older, powerful men) looked at me as prey. Very educated, smart, ambitious prey - prey worth catching. My appearance telegraphed “leave me the hell alone,” in a neat, hygienic way. </p>
<p>Hmmm, I still don’t wear makeup and dress to suit myself. Thankfully, my folks are ok with it and actually seem proud that I’ve am donating my skills to build a new nonprofit to help people. They have never questioned my choices and have been uniformly supportive if all of us, including two sisters and my mom who are teachers and one who has a clerical job, as well as all of our extended family in their chosen fields.</p>
<p>Look at it this way: I always felt that my job as a parent was to provide the best education to my son that I could afford and he could take advantage of. I’ve done that in spades. After that it’s up to him. I would like him to make a contribution, but I will settle for him being happy and self-supporting regardless of what he chooses to do as long as it’s legal.</p>
We can and should be proud of people even for what many would consider small things. I am proud of my son when he plays the piano in public. Proud because he has worked hard enough to be able to play something people like to hear. Proud because he overcomes his nervousness and does something many would not. I’m proud of him and D both for lots of small things. Most especially for getting themselves out into the world and not hiding their lights under a bushel!</p>
<p>When my kids were growing up, I used to tell them that one of the reasons for getting a good education is that it increases your choices in life.</p>
<p>It’s not supposed to restrict them.</p>
<p>If someone has a top-notch education, should that person feel obligated to avoid professions (such as teaching) that can also be pursued by people with less spectacular educational credentials? Do they really have to restrict their choices in that way?</p>